Preconceived Notions

Moving

2010-03-31T16:50:00.001-07:00

I'm moving to a new blog, I'll be sure to post the link here in case anyone wants to follow. It will focus on my efforts to raise a well-adjusted only child. I'm still trying to decide if I want to start fresh or migrate all of my posts over. Hmmm.

Mobile Intent

2010-02-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

Indra is 4.5 months now. She's smiling much more, and threatening to roll, and she WANTS to crawl so badly but isn't able just yet. She also loves to stand, and adores being sung to.

In short, she's wonderful. I love coming home to her each day. I was coming home every day for lunch until this past Wednesday. She's eating much better from the bottle, and her and daddy have a good rhythm. So, while I miss her, it saves on gas and makes my day feel less frantic when I don't come home for lunch. I was only able to visit for ~20 minutes anyway. This way, I get home earlier.

I did call home and talk to her, daddy said it put a big smile on her face. :)

Tonight we're trying some rice cereal. Indra has been lunging at me whenever I put anything in my mouth. So, she's definitely interested. I can't wait to see how she takes to solids. While breastfeeding has gone very very well, I won't miss pumping at work!

In an hour we're going to my SIL's baby shower. She's due any day now! It will be wonderful for Indra to have a cousin so close in age, especially since we'll probably only have this one child. I'm also looking forward to meeting her and holding her. I can scarcely remember how tiny Indra was, it has gone by so quickly. Maybe seeing another new baby will remind me. :)

Merry Xmas!

2009-12-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't opened anything yet, but I have received my Christmas wish, achieved my New Year's Resolution, and otherwise been thoroughly blessed.

Daddy hates headbands, dresses, and the green shawl, but oh well. :) Indra and I have enjoyed several parties and outings. Am I a bad mommy for using my daughter as a social lubricant? She has been very effective.

My favorite time of day is our snuggle-nap. There is nothing like a warm baby in the wintertime.

I'm not looking forward to full time work on January 4th.

Cutie Bug

2009-11-30T13:53:00.001-08:00

I'm taking pictures nearly every day, trying to find the best one to put on a Mug as gifts for Grandma, Grandma, and Grandpa. I'm not sure if I'll pick this one, but I do rather love it:

In other news, Indra only woke up ONCE last night. That, combined with a blissful snuggle-nap has left me feeling rather awesome.

Two Month Appointment

2009-11-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

I took Indra to her 2 month checkup today. She now weighs 10 pounds on the dot. There are no concerns, though they still want to X-ray her hips in a few months.

Poor baby endured one oral vaccine and three shots. Though my dread of the shots seemed worse than the actual event. She cried, it was a cry I haven't heard much before, and I knew it meant "OUCH"! But, she calmed right down as soon as I nursed her. She's been very sleepy ever since, but she usually naps around this time.

I have the tylenol on standby in case she spikes a fever, but I don't want to use it unless needed. I read the latest research regarding how it can potentially reduce the immune response, which is the point of the vaccinations. If Indra is happy and isn't running a concerning temp then I'm not worrying about it.

I'm going to try to get us to bed early tonight by doing dinner at 6, bath at 7, bed at 8. We'll see! For now, I need a snack. :)

Back to Werk

2009-11-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

I'm only back part time, but it has still been a transition. The first day, Thursday, was rough. Indra was crabby all night, I barely slept, then she made daddy miserable and would hardly eat from the bottle. Yesterday was better. I slept a little better, and she ate a little better. This made it far easier to bring her to Grandma's and have our date night. She had her usual fussy hour at Grandma's, but she ate well for Grandma.

Werk is nuts, my workload is more than full time, my boss will be out on leave as of Monday (giving me more to do) and I need to take a midday break to pump. I forgot to take this break on Friday, and, OUCH. I won't be forgetting again. I'm not sure how I'm going to get anything done. Yet, come January, I don't know how I'm going to be able to part with Indra for 8 hours a day. :( Maybe I'll work a little later and come home for lunches.

Here are a few pictures, including my Halloween kitty cat. Then, I must get to the dishes while Indra is still asleep:

Indra's Favorite Hobby

2009-10-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

Breasts Runneth Over

2009-10-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

I seem to be having a bit of an oversupply issue. I know, some would kill for such a "problem". But, they don't write in this space and I do, so let me describe what this problem has lead to:

- An overabundance of green poo diapers
- Boobs that try to drown the poor infant they are designed to nourish
- An infant with a resulting love/hate relationship for said boobs, making for very fussy messy feedings
- An infant that might just be the inspiration for the cherub fountains that continually spout water, except Indra is not spouting water.
- A gassy fussy hungry baby during the evening hours and thus: not enough sleep

I've done my homework, all of the authorities suggest block feeding for a while (offering only one side until the other demands to be emptied). Hopefully it will settle the issue over time. Until then, the abject adoration of our little cherub continues, starting with Indra and Grandma:

Bad Blogger = Good Mommy, right?

2009-10-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm finding my time/desire to update this blog is waning. I may consider closing this chapter at some point. But for now I need to make a reflective mommy post.

Little Indra is nearly a month old, and I couldn't imagine life without her. Already she is growing and changing. Her cord has fallen off, and she's making much more eye contact. We play a game called, "Mommy's over here!" wherein she sits on my lap and I lean left/right/center and she turns her head to look for me.

She has one primary nickname: bug. She is a beautiful little bug with big bright eyes and chubby cheeks. DH and I also sometimes call her a little pterodactyl due to the high-pitched reptilian squeals she emits.

She does scream and cry, mostly during diaper changes (she would much rather wear a dirty diaper than suffer the tragedy of having it changed) and her crabby hour(s) which are usually somewhere between 8pm and 2am. Thankfully DH guides her through the rough patch while I sleep. He's the night owl in the family.

Is being a mom what I expected? Yes and no. Some things are much easier than I expected. I imagined that breastfeeding would be quite a struggle. But, it has gone quite smoothly, so smoothly I am able to pump a bit and have DH take the first night feeding. She has no trouble with the bottle either.

Cesarean recovery has been another challenge that I overestimated. I'm walking, cooking, and driving without trouble. I only take OTC pain meds when I've really been out and about. I'm itching to get my all clear in a couple of weeks, not just for quality time with DH... the yard and garden need to be put to rest for the winter.

DH = superdad. I knew, in the abstract, that he would be. But, it truly warm-fuzzies me to see him love on our girl, bounce her and quiet her when I feel worn out, and latch her onto me with expert aim when she's hungry. She's lucky to have such a great dad.

Other things are tougher... namely the lack of sleep. Everyone knows that newborns inhibit parental sleep quality and quantity. But, no amount of awareness can truly prepare you for being dead tired-to-tears, holding a squaling infant. Thankfully I've only hit that point a couple of times, and things seem to be improving. Though our little bug still likes to eat every 2-3 hours around the clock.

Getting out of the house is tough. It seems impossible to fit such preparations into the feed/burp/diaper cycle. She's very hungry lately, but her weight gain exceeds expectations so it's all good. We are blessed:

Birth Story

2009-09-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

The stats:
Baby girl, Indra Alexandra
Born via cesarean (breech) on 9/16/09 at 7:17am
6lbs 2oz 19 ¼ inches long
Apgars 9/9

I expected a routine doctor’s appointment on the 14th, just my GBS results and my cervical check. However, when my OB felt the baby’s bum instead of her head everything changed. While I knew she was breech (head under my ribs for months) and I knew I’d probably need a C-section, I didn’t know my doctor would want to do it on Friday!

I still had a ton of work to do before going on leave. So, I put in nearly 12 hours on Tuesday trying to wrap things up. I intended to do the same on Wednesday… but our little one had other plans!

I woke up Wednesday morning at around 4am to use the bathroom. As I was sitting there, I heard a faint pop, and heard a trickle. I thought to myself, I have way too much to do for my water to have broken! I wiped and there was mucous, a little pink, but I’d been losing mucous a lot lately.

I jumped in the shower, because either way I thought a shower would be a good idea. This is when I felt the first menstrual-like cramps. I got out of the shower and put a pad on. DH came downstairs to check on me. I told him I think maybe my water broke. He was tired (had actually just gone to bed) and I didn’t sound very convincing so he went back to bed. I called the hospital, and was told to come in if I soak the pad or if my contractions get harder.

Sure enough, I felt the need for a more absorbent pad, and my contractions proceeded from dull nagging to painful. I went upstairs and asked DH to wake up and help me finish packing. I thought we had a few more days, so only a few things were in my bag. But, at least I had my list.

At about 5:10am I timed my contractions at 4 minutes apart. I could still walk and talk through them, but they definitely gave me pause. We finished packing way too much stuff and headed out, luckily the hospital was only 10 minutes away. I now know why contractions and cars don’t mix! I think we arrived in emergency shortly before 6:00am. Next came a long brutal walk to L&D, if I knew how long I would’ve taken up their offer for a wheelchair, but I made it!

Finally in my room, I changed into the gown and laid down for a game of 5 million questions, with the questions repeating whenever a new doctor or nurse came into the room. Yes, I had pre-registered. Laying down was awful. They hooked me up to the monitor and asked me how long I’d been contracting like that! But they did tell me I was doing very well with them, and that contractions that strong were usually rated at a 9 on the pain scale. My mom arrived (DH had called her) and I whined that I thought I was going to get to skip the labor part! No such luck.

I squeezed DH’s hand and breathed through the contractions. At some point they gave me a shot of terbutaline to slow my labor down. It did space out the contractions. My OB was called, and decided to come in early for his shift. He did a last minute ultrasound to confirm breech. They prepped me and I rode in a wheelchair to the OR where I sat on the table to receive the spinal. It wasn’t bad at all, the hard part was getting the right curve in my back during contractions. DH said my expression changed instantly when the spinal took hold. My legs felt blissfully warm (not numb yet, just warm) and they told me to go limp so they could lay me down properly. I was actually pretty happy, and excited.

The drape went up and they let me get nice and numb, couldn’t feel a pinch, but I still felt like I could breathe just fine. Mostly I was glad to be through with the contractions. I felt various tugs and pulls when they were operating, but it was more interesting to me than frightening. No pain at all.

It didn’t seem like long at all before I felt some big tugs and heard a cry! I immediately started crying in response. It was 7:17am on my little brother’s birthday. I heard various voices saying how cute she was while they moved the little body to the plastic bassinet in the corner where they could clean her up a little and check her out. She wailed and wailed and I wanted to comfort her so badly! They finally placed her on my chest where I could stroke her cheek and talk to her. Her eyes were open and she was already calming down. She has tons of dark hair and grandma’s nose.

DH carried her to the nursery while they finished stitching me up. I was alert and actually interested as the nurse anesthetist was describing the spinal to a student (I said the students could watch). It didn’t seem to take long before the drape was dropped. It was so weird to see them moving legs that looked like mine but certainly didn’t feel like mine! They transferred me back into my bed and wheeled me back to the room where I stayed for the rest of the hospital experience.

DH came to see me not long after, while my parents were with our baby in the nursery. He showed me pictures from the nursery on the back of the camera. I think she was brought to me at shortly after 9am. I tried nursing her for the first time within the hour, and it went very well.

I was itchy from the drugs, but I said I didn’t want anything for it. I really wanted to stay alert, and I was so happy to spend the next several hours (days) snuggled with our baby. I had some problems with nausea at first, strangely it would always hit me during breastfeeding. Indra was only away from our room once, to get an ultrasound on her hips (a breech thing that will probably resolve itself without intervention). We left the hospital on Friday, I’m recovering nicely, and our little 1 week old baby is doing just fine. At her Dr Appt Tuesday she had already gained an ounce over her birthweight.

Here should be a link to some pics on Photobucket:
http://s194.photobucket.com/albums/z201/faedrake/Indra/

Precious

2009-09-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

I promise to post more pictures soon. Alas, the laptop is on my lap, the camera is across the room, and the little one is getting hungry. :)

However, I did want to record these words while they were in my head and heart. She is so precious. She has never been unkind to anyone, never made a mistake, never experienced regret. She is pure and precious and I know now in ways I never quite understood before... why babies are so beloved. Yes, their little features are adoreable and heart-melting, but what they represent is, to me, the greater treasure.

Even as I look forward to her growing awareness and all of the joys and pitfalls it brings... I wanted to make note, and take stock, and love who she is right now.

Indra is here!

2009-09-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

The last time I posted, I had a C-Section scheduled for Friday (yesterday). But, our little girl had other plans! She is a whole 3 days old today, her name is Indra Alexandra.

I will post the cliff's notes version of the update until I have a chance to fit in the whole enchilada.

Monday September 14th – Indra is breech! A c-section is scheduled for Friday

Tuesday September 15th – I work a long day to prepare for leave.

Wednesday September 16th
4am – water breaks! Though not with a gush, so I’m in denial
4:30am – contractions start! No more denial. I wake Ryan to help me
pack (he had just gone to bed).
5:10am – contractions are ~4 minutes apart
5:30am – checked into the hospital
6-7ish - received spinal, surgery begins
7:17am - Indra is born with eyes open and crying!
6 lbs 2 oz, 19 ¼ inches, Apgars 9 and 9

Friday September 19th
1:00pm - Finally came home. :)

You can't tell from the pictures, but our precious little girl is tiny in the most adorable possible way. I'll have to find some other pictures that include more stuff for scale. :)

Last but not least, I'm recovering well and we are SO HAPPY to be home. Dad is beyond awesome, I didn't even change a single diaper until yesterday.

Ready or not!!!

2009-09-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

I went in today, expecting more of the same. Maybe the results of my GBS test, maybe a little more dilation or effacement (though hopefully not too much more) and that's it. Thanks, see you in a week!

That's not what happened.

My 38 week appointment began as usual, with the happy friendly heartbeat of my baby. But, the pelvic exam brought ominous sounds from my doctor's lips, and a quick call for the ultrasound machine. While the nurse wheeled in C3P0, he said (in more medicalized verbage) that he was feeling butt crack instead of skull plates. The gooey wand confirmed the head I've felt under my right rib for ages.

Yep, she really is breech. He sounded very disappointed, swearing in a near Flandersesque fashion. Me? Not so much. Again, my preferences are for an uncomplicated natural vaginal birth or planned C-Section. Not that I expect anyone to understand my dueling extreme preferences.

What really threw me for a loop is what came next. I dressed and met my doctor in his office for a talk about the options. I already knew I wouldn't be a good candidate for an external version. I already knew vaginal breech births weren't an option at that hospital. What I didn't know is: "Do not pass go, do not go into labor, report for a c-section Thursday or Friday, we'll call to let you know which." Apparently the little girl is wedged in there tight, and he doesn't want her wedged much tighter before having to pull her back up and out.

Thus, I'm going to be a mom in 3-4 days and its blowing my mind. Also, by the way, that timeline that I got my boss to push back was reinstated by my boss's boss. So, that's my top priority. Yuck.

I'm going in to work tomorrow at 5am-ish and probably staying until that late tomorrow night, and maybe the day after as well. Hell, I might as well live at work for the next two days. At least that way I know I will have done as much as I can.

Week 37 Loud and Clear

2009-09-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

I was a little freaked out earlier this week, not just by my progress. I've been seeing unmistakable evidence of plug loss over the past couple of days. While I know it could still be weeks, it is another way my body is telling me to get ready! I'm definitely listening now.

So, I managed to wiggle out of some timelines at work yesterday (boss is having medical issues too, so it really makes sense to put some things off to January for both of us). This is a big relief, now I can focus on properly delegating stuff with what time remains for me at work.

DH's timelines changed too, so now he's free to paint the nursery. Finally, we can BOTH focus on the nest, yay! We'll pick up our bassinet and breastpump and a couple of odds and ends today and make some final decisions about a play yard that my mom wants to get us. Then we'll focus inward.

I have the newborn and 0-3 baby clothes washed. They consist of 10 onesies, 6 sleepers with footies, and a couple of sleep gowns. But, I forgot to wash the socks, I'll have to see how many of those we have. If I don't feel we have enough maybe I'll find an easy pattern and knit a pair. Thanks to the generosity of friends and family we haven't had to buy a single clothing item yet. Though we may pick up a gender neutral outfit today, just in case.

Last but not least, I need to finish sanding the furniture so it can be painted. Its supposed to rain tomorrow but I think I can finish the rocking chair today. Hopefully the dresser can wait until Monday or next weekend...

In short...

2009-09-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

36 week appointment, baby seems head down to the Dr, I'm 2cm and 80% effaced. Even as tired as I am, moving my office over the first week of school, I have been terrified into action. It could be days or weeks, and I'm hoping for the later.

Time to do more dishes and wash some baby clothes.

Belly Pic, Countdown

2009-08-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I made this picture on my home computer instead of my work laptop so I didn't have the same font for the week label. Oh well! Everyone has told me that I've dropped, thankfully no one has mentioned that I'm ready to pop or how huge I look. And yes, I will post at least one of my maternity photo shoot images when we get them. :)

I'm 35 weeks now, just 5 more to go. That means I have 4 (maybe 5) more weekends until the baby comes. Considering all of the sanding, painting, and sewing I have to do (not to mention working)... I'm beginning to think the nursery won't be done. Oh well. There are worse things, and it isn't like the baby will care. :)

I still want to try to do as much as possible ahead of time though. Having a new baby around is going to leave me with less time and energy, not more! But, I'm awfully beat. After doing some sanding yesterday I crashed for a 2 hour nap. During week nights I haven't felt like doing *anything* outside of cobbling together some dinner.

I wonder if the fatigue is a function of the last month of pregnancy, pitiful amounts of less than restful sleep, or some combination of the two. I'm feeling hormonal too, just when DH is feeling distant and preoccupied by other things. *pout*

But, enough poor me, all is well and the baby shower this evening will surely bring joy and merriment. :)

34 Week Appt

2009-08-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

My appointment went well today, it was pretty brief, and I didn't have to wait as long as I do sometimes...

The heartbeat is in the 150s, and doctor said I'm not growing a big baby but I'm not growing a small baby either. So, would that make this a Goldilocks baby? It sounds just right to me. :)

I think she's still head up, but I'm not sure. Admittedly, I feel all the hiccups very low on the right. But, the firm round hardness poking out from under my ribs is so very headlike. The doctor agreed with me last time. I didn't ask about it this time. The next appointment will be an exam anyway. They will test me for GBS and check the position internally and by ultrasound if needed. I can't wait... two weeks... it will be September. Holy Cow.

To go backwards in time a bit... we reviewed the maternity photos yesterday. They were all so gorgeous, it was hard to choose. But, we didn't want to spend a fortune, and this is a private (not cheap) professional photographer. So, we knew we weren't going to get many prints, just some really special ones to remember this time...

We're buying a 10x10 collage of 4 pics and a 5x7 of just me, and I'm not going to say how much that cost! But, I can't wait to have them, she said 3ish weeks. :) Thanks to DH for the most wonderful birthday gift. The photo shoot was so much fun, I felt like a star. I think more pictures were taken of me on Tuesday than in my entire life beforehand.

Next topic, baby shower. My extended family seems to be reluctant to RSVP... I hope more people show up. :/ I can count 7 that will make it, including me and my mother and the 2 hostesses. But, I'm sure it will be fun regardless.

Crafty

2009-08-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

Short PG update: 34 weeks now, nursery is NOT ready, next Dr appt on Wednesday, baby is still heads up, baby shower next Sunday, did maternity photo shoot last week, will preview the pics on Tuesday, I'm excited!

Now then, aside from working and doing the bare minimum in terms of housework and yardwork, I have been polishing off some old projects. One, I finally beat Zelda Twilight Princess (Wii). I hadn't played in ages, it was fun to finish it. Now there's yet another Wii game we can trade in, I should really go through our embarrasing stack of never-played games. Mario Kart Wii lives in the slot. :)

The other project was a cross stitch, started circa 1999 or thereabouts. I'm pretty sure at one point DH decreed that I would NEVER finish it. Well, if his idea of never was a decade then perhaps he was right, because it's done! See, I bought needles and yarn to start some knitting projects. Then, I found my old cross stitch in a drawer and decided I really should finish it before moving on. So, I did. Here it is:

Right now it's on the speaker on my night stand, DH thinks it should go in the baby's room. Maybe, though it doesn't much fit the theme.

Now, without further ado, knitting! My stitches are NOT even, and I make mistakes. This was my first real attempt at making anything from a pattern. In the past I have knitted slippers (as taught by mom/grandma) and pot holders. Knit, purl, that's it. So, I know I can and should improve upon this.

I found a leaf pattern online, I want to soak it in essential oils and make it into a car freshener. I'm not sure if my half-baked idea will work, but here's' the first attempt:

I don't like the lopsidedness... it must have something to do with the way I cast on the second set of stitches. I also dropped a stitch in there somewhere in one of the decreases. I'm not sure if I'll keep it, or scrap it. But I know I'll try to make another. :)

Long update, Crib in the house!

2009-08-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'll be 33 weeks this weekend! I wish I was a little bigger to be honest. I'm having my maternity portrait done on Tuesday. I guess I have an excuse to pig out this weekend. :P

My appointment today went well, I gained a perfectly acceptable pound from my last appointment. I chatted more with the doc about baby's breechy position. In my doctor's experience, external versions (the procedure to turn a baby forcibly from the outside) are not very successful in people of my body shape/size. That settles it for me, I wasn't very excited about the prospect anyway. I told him a C-Section doesn't freak me out if it comes to that. There is still plenty of time for her to turn (as shown by a recent unscientific google poll of "breech 32 weeks"). However, either she's lazy or things are getting a little snug. She hasn't budged for ~3 weeks.

After my appointment, I went to BRU to finish what we started on Monday. It took an extra few days and an extra trip but we have a crib!

We are very accustomed to stuffing almost anything into our hatchback vehicles (both our old and the new). Anything has in the past included a rain barrel, 8 foot posts, a full sized BBQ, THREE vinyl windows, etc (no, not all at once, but we didn't try so maybe it would have worked).

Truly, they are one part pickup truck one part dimensional pocket.

So, you can see why it did not occur to us *at all* that we'd have trouble fitting the crib. Alas, it appears that the hatchback opening of our car obeys the laws of physics after all. Also, apparently Carters Lifetime cribs have a reputation for coming in LARGE packages. To continue the long story, I had to appeal to my SUV-wielding parents to help us pick up and deliver the crib.

The crib loaded up nicely (just barely). Then, of course, we spent much time wandering through BRU and gawking at all things cute. Eventually, Dad and I had to tear my mom away, even as she limped to yet another clothing rack on her black/blue and possibly broken little toe. The Halloween outfits were awww-inspiring. Ghosty sleepsacks, hooded kitty sleepers with ears, and much orange and black. I know DH would throw a fit if I bought a one-time outfit. But, he can't stop grandma. :)

The crib now sits, still in box, in the living room. It may collect some friends as time passes and we accumulate stuff that has nowhere to go. Programming before painting... speaking of which...

I'm ending this day quite happy and content except for one minor detail. My summer vacation is OVER. :( I go back to work tomorrow, and what a pile of it I go back to. My updates will grow sparse as I spend more time doing and less time writing about doing. The net nanny is not kind to blogger or gmail.

The one bright side to going back to massive quantities of work is this: time is going to FLY like it never has before. I just hope I can snatch a breather to focus on hearth and home before the stork makes an appearance.

31 Week Belly

2009-07-31T14:45:00.001-07:00

See! New belly picture!

I can say I'm definitely feeling pregnant these days. Each change of position takes 50% more effort than it used to, and dropping anything on the floor is a minor tragedy to be greeted with much groaning. But, those are the worst of my complaints so everything must be going well.

I had a couple of nasty bouts of heartburn, the kind that make you realize why major prescription drugs exist to treat it. "Oh, heartburn really can be debilitating!" But, thankfully some generic tums did the trick and it must have been situational/dietary because it hasn't come back.

The family baby shower has been scheduled, whew! Now I need to get the list of addresses to my friend so she can do invites. Everyone is so awesome and sweet. I need to conjure up some suitable hostess gifts.

I can't believe I go back to work full time next Thursday. Ugh. I could use a few more weeks to finish work projects, grant projects, and oh yeah, that nursery project... Alas, I can focus better on the work projects once I'm back at work anyway. It should all be done in a couple of weeks, same with the grant project. The lion's share of the nursery work will be DH's domain anyway, and we'll have almost all of September to work on it (I hope).

I know some women get crabby and feel done with being pregnant about now... while in some ways I'd like to have my body back (intimate relations really aren't worth the trouble at this point), I'm not impatient in the least. Also, air conditioning makes everything more bearable. :)

Heads Up!

2009-07-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

It is very early yet, but my OB confirmed for me today that the softballesque shape I've been feeling near my right ribs is indeed a head. He said if baby is still breech in a month they will do an ultrasound to confirm, then talk about options.

I'm actually quite relaxed about this. One, a month is a long time for the little one to turn. Two, I'm really not much afraid of a C-Section. I have no interest in attempting to deliver a breech babe vaginally. In fact, I'm more concerned about an attempted external version that doesn't turn out well (I'm tainted by a horror story I read once).

My birth preferences go like this... Ideally I'd have an unmedicated mostly intervention-free labor and delivery of a baby in the perfect position, of the perfect size for me, with *relatively* little trauma to my pelvic region. My second most preferred birth would be a planned cesarean. I know, I like the extremes. Summer and winter, gardening and programming, natural birth and cesarean, what can I say?

I'm not saying if labor isn't easy then I want a cesarean. Not at all. I'm looking at relaxing music, breathing techniques, meditation, and reading a slew of "natural" birth stories with the expectation that labor pains may just blow all of that out of the water anyway. Difficulty is to be expected, even if there's no way I can really prepare for the degree or severity. But, I'd rather the baby not be posterior, in distress, with labor stalled/induced, under duress, etc.

Now, of course, I don't get to check a little box on a piece of paper somewhere and make that choice. "I want birth combo A please, and hold the pain." I didn't check a little box to pick when I would get pregnant, and there is no "healthy child please" box either. Stuff can happen that's beyond anyone's control. Of course it does not and should not stop me from having preferences and discussing them with my doctor. If she's still breech when the time comes, then so be it.

Now, a change of subject... DH has decided he's over his issues with the childbirth class and has developed some coping mechanisms for when he feels things have gone from useful to useless, ridiculous, or downright insulting. Yay! That's 1/3 less drama to concern myself with. :)

Sokay

2009-07-20T18:10:00.001-07:00

All is well, especially on the pregnancy and health front. Though there are a few items under my skin as of late in the drama category.

DH has decided he hates our childbirth class. Admittedly, I haven't gotten much out of it, and I don't truly blame him. He hasn't decided if he's willing to go to another or not. I hope so... One, we paid for it. Two, there are some other subjects they will cover that we are both interested in. Three, if I show up alone I know I'll be pointed out (the instructor pointed out someone who was solo last class...) If we can just get the agenda (she still doesn't have it yet due to problems scheduling the pediatrician - one of the classes I want to go to) then maybe we can talk about which ones we still want to go to.

I've covered most birthing topics in even greater detail via my birthing books and the internet. I might highlight a few items for DH to take note of. Maybe we'll do some at-home education if we decide not to go to certain classes. I must do the hospital tour though. I'm still quite happy with the hospital.

The other drama item is the family baby shower, and scheduling issues. Those who are throwing the party for me are only available on the day/days that my mother is not available. Sigh. I'm trying not to stress about it, but I'm playing go between so it grumps me out.

Last but not least, DH doesn't want my mom in the room during the actual pushing/birthing part. That would kinda be okay with me, I tend to undergo certain regressions when with my mother that would probably not be productive. Except, she kinda already thinks she'll be there and I have to figure out how to uninvite her. I'm not going to lie or make anything up, or "forget" to call her when I'm going to the hospital. I just need to find a good way to be straightforward about it.

So, there's my vent. I'd take these problems over more serious ones any day! On the bright side, the 90 degree heat has been much more bearable so far than I expected, especially since we don't get air conditioning until Wednesday at the earliest.

Waddling Along

2009-07-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've really grown lately, see:

In other news, we had our first "Prepared Childbirth" a.k.a. Lamaze class on Tuesday. It was a little long, and didn't contain much new info for a net-loving content-siphon like myself. They stopped the birth video before the cesarean part because we "weren't ready for that yet" (I've watched a few on YouTube).

I think hubby learned a bit, and I did need the reminder to exercise and drink plenty of water. Later on I know I'll benefit from the practice breathing/relaxing sessions, if only I let myself get into them and truly practice, instead of just giggling and feeling ridiculous. I'm not good at public vocalizations unless I'm in a teaching role.

The most reassuring thing was hearing about our particular hospital. I've been reading a TON of OB Nursing blogs, hearing all of the complaints and horror stories about interventions pushed on women in vulnerable positions. Yet, the nurse giving our class had nothing but wonderful things to say about our hospital. She says the reason why their cesarean rates are so low is because they have a doctor in the building at ALL times. So, the doc "on call" is actually sleeping there, cutting down on uncertainty and preemptive measures for everyone.

I have a post stewing about labor, delivery, birth plans, etc. It isn't ready yet though. I also have a stack of birthing books about 6 deep now (I recently rediscovered the public library! They even ship books to my local branch and hold them for me!). But, I need to finish reading the China Study first. :)

Hades at Home

2009-07-05T18:55:00.001-07:00

Egads its hot. Tis 86 degrees in here.

I finally opened the windows, as the sun is set and its finally cooling off outside. It probably wouldn't get so bad if it were not for all of the heat-producing electronics in the house. Like, two CRT monitors, the aquarium lights, and the chiller to keep DH's aquarium cool (because the lights and the pump heat the water too much). Then there are minor things like the Wii, the modem, the stereo, etc. Oh, and lunch today involved the oven. :(

We cool the house down pretty well at night, but it gets awfully hot way before it cools off enough to open things up again.

That said, cooler days are coming! It's supposed to be 10 degrees cooler tomorrow. Also, in the next 2 weeks we are having 3 new windows delivered! One of them will become the home of an air conditioner (our current windows are ancient and all painted/nailed shut), and then life will be much easier. Hopefully that will be done by the time the next heatwave hits.

Until then, there's plenty of water, and ice cream. :)

Happy 4th!

2009-07-04T13:32:00.001-07:00

Wishing my fellow Americans a happy 4th of July (and a happy Saturday to others). I will be the obligatory designated driver this evening, following the BBQ at my brother's house. I've made and am bringing the classic family potato salad, by request. :)

Today I am also celebrating the beginning of the 3rd trimester. Could I really be holding a baby in my arms in 84ish days??? I alternate joy and terror at the thought. Much left to be done...

My MIL brought us a slightly used changing table and carseat, and I truly appreciate her generousity. Though I have my concerns about a used carseat. We already have the brand new one with the travel system, so we were just going to get another base for it for our other car. I'll have to look it up and make sure it hasn't been recalled. Or, I could give it to my parents for occasional use. Anyway, less stuff to buy is great.

I've also been sanding my old dresser. I have one more drawer left to sand, and then the whole dresser piece. I also have 2 little bookshelf/nightstands to sand. Then I'm going to paint it all white. Maybe if I get ambitious I'll stencil some dragonflies on it. That leaves the following big items to buy: crib, cosleeper/bassinet, and pack n'play (for downstairs and grandparents). We have some gift cards that should help with that.

Yesterday we bought paint! Imperial Plum, Zero Voc, I can't wait to see it on the walls. We're also buying 3 windows for downstairs. All of our current windows in the livingroom are ancient and painted shut. It will be so very welcome to have an air conditioner and a cross breeze.

Surely the economy should recover swiftly though our efforts. :p

Long Wait, No Worries

2009-07-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

I was in for my appointment today, I'll finally be hitting the 3rd trimester this weekend! Its a good thing I decided to take the day off work, because the wait was excruciating.

*start Dr office vent*

First, I was running late getting out of the house. I had also totally spaced getting a FMU sample, then I couldn't even find the cup. Cripes! I scrambled around the house looking everywhere before I finally gave up and rushed out the door.

I arrived five minutes late only to find that appointments were running 30-45 minutes late. And, of course, because *I* was in such a hurry to get my butt to the appointment I had neglected to bring my book or mp3/radio player. Though that did give me plenty of time to provide the sample I'd neglected to bring.

There were a couple of little boys in the office that were cute for a while, until it became a constant stream of parents telling them not to stand/touch/speak/move/etc with no tools on hand to distract or entertain them. Now, as a FTM I'm not about to start giving parenting advice BUT... If I ever bring my child(ren) somewhere and make them wait forever without having some sort of entertainment on hand then I give all onlookers every right to make ranty posts about me online, and complain about me to their spouses/friends/relatives. :)

Eventually (after a painful game of solitaire on my tiny phone screen) the nurse called me, did the basic stuff, then left me in another waiting room. There, I found a magazine, and realized I must be getting REALLY hungry when the advertizement for dog biscuits made my mouth water. Everyone was quite apologetic though, and the nurse gave me a free sample: formula that I hope not to need, but wrapped in a rather nice changing pad.

I think I finally saw the Dr. an hour and 15 minutes after my original appointment time.

*end vent*

The good news is, there is not much to say. I passed the glucose test, 147 heartbeat, measured me but made no comment, and said not to worry about the mole on my chest under my right breast (which seems to get darker and ulgier every day, but that could just be my perception :p).

After the appointment I treated myself with a little bit of shopping (new larger underwear *smirk*) and a carwash.

I hope my next appt in 3 weeks is just as normal, but without the wait!

Test results tomorrow

2009-06-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm taking tomorrow off from work. My doctor's appointment is at 10:45am, right smack in the middle of my day. I have the most flexible boss on the planet so I'll just make up the day next month.

I'm supposed to have between July 10th and August 6th off, but I never actually get my full summer break. There is always a project that they pay me extra for. The project hasn't truly started just yet so I might as well work the day in a week or two and save them the money.

Hopefully I'll find that I passed my glucose tolerance test. I don't see a specific reason why I shouldn't, except maybe the history of diabetes that runs hot and heavy on my mother's side. My body type leans more toward my paternal side though.

I'm starting to get antsy about nursery preparations. DH has not been very energetic when it comes to starting any of the projects that need starting. Unfortunately he's a very "into pressure" person. When pushed... he pushes back with a vengeance. So, I have to be creative about bringing things up, and making him think its his idea. He never feels the same sense of urgency about anything as I do.

Ultimately, the LO will sleep next to our bed for a month or two anyway, so in the grand scheme a 100% completed nursery is not a big deal. Except it feels like it is! When would we have time after she's here anyway? 87 days... so long and so short all at the same time.

3rd Trimester Slump

2009-06-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

I think I'm hitting the 3rd trimester slump a week early. I've been clumsy and easily tired all weekend. Though the recent increase in heat probably plays a role too. I did manage to get some weeding, watering, and shopping done, though on a typical weekend I'd have done twice as much.

Another supposed symptom: my crafting drive has been revived. I bought some double pointed needles and circular needles and yarn today (yay, gift card!). My ambitions include legwarmers, socks, and if I'm REALLY motivated, some rudimentary cables. :)

I also find myself desperately desiring a sewing machine. I'm hoping I can get one handed down from a friend, or fish for one on freecycle. My ambitions include hemming my own clothes, sewing a simple curtain, and a rudimentary slipcover for an unuphulstered rocking chair.

Though a tiny voice in the back of my head is nagging me about a crosstitch project I never finished, and a dresser that needs sanding. Shhhh. Learning something new and playing with new toys is much more fun.

Wednesday I get the results of my glucose test. It was not nearly as horrible as I imagined. I did not get a choice of flavors, but the liquid was clear and cold and not as thick as I'd feared. I read my book and listened to the radio for an hour then she brought me back to take my blood. The phlebotomist was as sweet as the drink she gave me. She was also much more skilled than the last woman about finding my vein and causing little to no pain (note to self, left arm is best). I didn't even bruise! Of course it was only 2 vials this time instead of 6.

This next week calls for another belly shot.

Now, back to the title of this post... ZZzzZZzZzzz....

I saw her

2009-06-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

or should I say I saw me? Or, I saw her moving my midsection?

It was nothing definite, no shape, no contour. She almost certainly had the hiccoughs, and my belly jumped with her spasm. Even DH noticed. :)

Here are some unedited images of the baby shower that exploded in the junk room that shall become nursery. First, a small selection of that which was showered upon me. Second, the travel system, third, the loving handicraft of a dear friend.

Make way for belly

2009-06-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I think I had my first random stranger notice and comment last week, a cashier. She asked me when I was due. But, my O'Douls purchase did act as supporting evidence. :p

This weekend I will write all of my thank-yous and sort baby stuff. Twill be fun. I will also hang out with an old friend at some point. We were inseperable from kindergarten to 5th grade, but slowly drifted apart after I moved to the other side of town. We've been trying to get back in touch off and on for a couple of years. She's been busy with school and is graduating this weekend, I think she's going on to grad school.

She had a necessary operation as a teen and will never have biological children. When I told her I was pg, I was being super sensitive. But, she has shrugged off my concerns for the most part, and responded only with great enthusiasm. I guess she's had a couple of decades to process it. I still want to be thoughtful though.

Open heart, insert joy

2009-06-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in an exceedingly good place right now. I know I've said this before, but I half expect some dramatic tragedy to befall at any moment just because everything is going so perfectly. If you want to read about overwhelming joy and good fortune in the life of someone who has done nothing special to deserve it, you've come to the right blog.

So, I'm going to share the most pressing problems in my life right now. It sounds odd but they best illustrate how amazing everything really is.

My biggest problem now is how and when to write dozens and dozens of thank-you cards. First, I need to thank everyone who took the time to nominate me for an award at work, and donated their money for gift cards. I've been recognized by the school board and that's just plain awesome. I know I work hard, but I LOVE what I do. The recognition has been over the top! Over 60 people nominated me, I'm still in awe. I'm about halfway through thank-yous. I'm personalizing them as best I can, but it is tough with so many to get through. I REALLY must find something special to do for my boss. I wouldn't be where I am without him, he's the one that has seen my potential, and given me enough challenge and opportunity to thrive as well as setting up this award and keeping it a big fat secret. No matter how I thank him, I'm forever indebted.

Then, when I have that problem solved, there's the matter of the thank you cards for the baby shower last Tuesday. It boiled down to an assembly-line of gift opening. One of my coworkers described it as being "Like Christmas, for Everyone!" Highlights included the exact travel system (carseat/stroller) DH and I had picked out, and a lovingly crocheted sweater, hat, and blanket which I intend to make heirlooms out of. There was also a wardrobe of outfits, and various toys and necessities. Last but definitely not least, gift cards which I can use to buy some breast-related accessories. :) DH was overwhelmed as he helped me unpack the car. Now, Gift Mountain sits in our living room, a very pressing reminder that the nursery needs to be cleaned out as of LAST week. *insert more awe here*

I really should take some pictures. But, thank you cards take precedence. I'm under the gun as the last day of school is the 17th. I hope to have the first batch done this weekend, and the second done next week. DH is supposed to help with the nursery. Something tells me the yard/garden will be suffering a bit...

More good stuff: I had a doctor's appointment Thursday and the word "perfect" was tossed around quite a bit. There was heartbeat-hearing (never get enough of that) and belly measuring, and handing out of freebees. I now have my pre-registration paperwork for the hospital (OMG, already?) and I've signed us up for prepared childbirth classes to begin next month. I need to have my glucose test done before my next appointment.

I feel the little one kicking and moving several times a day (like right now). Its become a reassuring background process, almost like breathing though more intermittent. I don't drop everything to take notice every time, it is frequent enough that I'd never get anything done! But, I do take several belly breaks. I've also started singing and talking to baby (usually at night and while driving to work). DH occasionally talks to my belly, but not often. He has felt her move several times.

Speaking of driving to work, I love my car too. I've used the AC a couple of times now. I used to think such things luxuries, its almost sad how quickly they become necessities.

I'm definitely at the top of a roller coaster.

Drive-by update

2009-06-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Belly pics, circa 4 weeks ago:

The coworkers are throwing me a shower tomorrow. I can't wait. I sure hope we REALLY have a girl, because I suspect 90% of what I'm showered with will be some shade of pink. DH wanted to keep things as gender neutral as possible, and I did mention lavender as our primary color, but I get the sense that the surrogate grandmothers at work (a couple dozen of them) have been thrilled about buying girly items. It is cute to see them so excited and to be the reason behind it.

Besides that, things at work have been pretty dismal lately. Layoff notices, a forced move a new office, scattering employees, uncertainty galore. Hence, the shower is being held quite early (I'm not quite 6 months). School is almost out and we won't all be together in the fall. :( So, for now, any cause for celebration has been quite welcome. I'm honored to share the joy, and hope everyone has fun.

I ordered my hostess gifts for the 2 hostesses, personalized post-it notes that I found online. They are both secretaries so I think they will like them. I know I always loved that kind of stuff.

I'll try to be a better blogger now that I've repaired my CPU cooler. I had to temporarily remove the motherboard to do it, but I'm very happy with the results. It even has a blue LED that I can see through my clear case. At a glance, I can tell the fan is still spinning. My computer hasn't overheated or crashed once! I even reinstalled XP, and everything feels clean and nice and fast. :)

Transmogrification Wardrobe Malfunction

2009-05-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

All is well. I'm a bad blogger due to my cpu fan's untimely death. Recent hot temperatures have pushed my poor computer over the edge. Ninety degrees C makes electrons grumpy. So, I'm giving it a rest until a replacement cooler arrives from Amazon.

I'm having some unexpected difficulty adjusting to my changing shape. I was all prepared for my pants to become uncomfortable. I have belly band-type things (black and white). I have maternity pants washed and ready. However, I seriously neglected one vital part of my wardrobe... Most of my shirts and the majority of those I wear to work are too short. My belly is peeking out.

I always put my clothes out the night before, I wake up too darn early to put thought into such things. So, it wasn't until I was ready to leave that I noticed my naked belly was visible most of the way around. My jeans (a regular pair that have always been a little loose) fit just fine. I used by belly band to hide my peeking midsection. It seemed to work. I'll have to give more thought to my shirts though, maybe just get some long tank tops or camisoles to wear underneath.

My breasts are in a strange limbo state between A and B. I've always been in "Almost A" territory. Now I guess I'm almost B. My regular bras (small A) don't fit very well any longer, but Bs are too large. I don't want to buy any standard As because I figure they won't fit much longer. I did manage to find ONE barely B that will help get me by.

The moment I get home I assume a certain position some might consider uncouth... pants undone and hand low on my abdomen, feeling a little one flex some muscle. :)

Must post pictures soon. Must also post about my dream, wherein I gave birth to a roast chicken.

Free Tomato Seeds

2009-05-08T17:56:00.001-07:00

Campbell's is giving away free tomato seeds if you type in a code from the bottom of one of their cans as part of their "Help Grow Your Soup" promotion:

http://www.helpgrowyoursoup.com/

Also, while there, you can click the Grow button and donate some seeds to the Plant a Row for the Hungry project!

Happy Friday!

Much processing

2009-05-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

At last, I have time to post about the ultrasound that took place on Monday.

DH, mom, and I arrived, and barely had to wait at all. I forked over $10 for the DVD while DH rolled his eyes. :P They put us in a nice large room, where DH and my mom had to take turns with the only guest chair.

The ultrasound tech came in and got started. She was extremely dry and all business. We were trying to have a lighthearted mood but she was not interested in the least. Though she was very considerate, and let me use the bathroom after getting a good fix on the position and some measurements, and again later as my bladder filled.

She spent a LONG time on the nose/mouth area. I was almost concerned there was a problem but I didn't see anything obvious. We saw many wonderful important things, a definite spine, brain structures, kidneys, stomach, heart, clear bones in arms and legs. Everything seemed in place (though I get the sense she wouldn't have said a word if something was off).

She was absolutely silent on the subject of gender, didn't even ask if we wanted to know or not. Eventually, about halfway through, I asked and she said she'd take a look at the end. I understand that it is NOT an important thing she's supposed to document, and has little to no medical relevance. But, seriously, can she not know that people are interested and excited? Somehow I thought she'd be asking us if we wanted to know, and upping the suspense throughout the scan. Anyway, at last she zoomed in to the proper area and pointed out what looked like labia to her. :)

I received two pictures. The profile posted below is a head shot only, taken from the side, with nose pointing straight up. The pink bow on the forehead is, of course, artistic license. :) The other picture I received was a nose/mouth. I've grabbed a few other still shots from the DVD. I'm so happy I have it!

So, I am processing this wonderful news (it would have been wonderful either way of course), as well as a very very special honor I received at work yesterday. Maybe I'll post more about that later, but I do have the best boss in the whole world.

:)

2009-05-04T17:27:00.001-07:00

Ultrasound Dreams

2009-05-02T08:58:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night that both my mother and MIL came with us to the ultrasound. They were both being pushy trying to get me in before I was even called, including barging up a flight of stairs to drag me in! Only my mom and DH are coming with me.

So, now's the time to make predictions ahead of Monday's appointment: boy, girl, or cannot be determined at the time?

My thoughts: I'm "feeling" girl and we're hoping girl, but I'm trying to ignore all of that because I know I'll be overjoyed with either variety of healthy human. Also, I had a dream about a baby girl in a carseat just before I received my BFP. A few weeks later though, I had a dream that I had a penis (?!?!) which could be a boy omen. Because, I guess if I'm carrying a boy then I do have one right now in a sense... hee hee.

DH says he's going to be skeptical and take it with a grain of salt no matter what. He doesn't have high opinions about ultrasound accuracy for gender predictions. I'm urging him to wait until he sees what's on the screen. Who knows, maybe it will be obvious!

Everyone at work is hoping girl except for my bossman, who hopes boy. They are all going to be waiting anxiously for an update. I have a mini-blog I posted for people at work to see, so I'll update that for them when I know. Of course I'll also post here. :)

Now, I need to get out and start my garden day!

Maternity Shopping

2009-04-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

It was my mom's birthday yesterday, and I dragged her with me to a huge baby/maternity consignment sale. We went on the last day, admission was free and some things were half off. This may explain why the maternity section was a little small. But, I found some great items.

I bought 3 pair of pants, 1 pair of capris, 1 summer dress, 4 shirts, and 1 baby overalls for $30. So, approximately $3 per item. Everything was in really good shape with brands like Motherhood, Old Navy, and The GAP. Just for the fun of it we were looking at the baby clothes, and we saw the overalls. Since they are gender neutral, and they were $1.50, I couldn't resist. So, we now have our first baby clothing.

They are having another similar consignment sale in June, hopefully we'll know what we are having by then and I can pick up some more deals! Ultrasound: 2 weeks and counting.

I took today off of work to play in the yard, and so far I haven't checked work email and I don't feel guilty. :)

Baby Exposure

2009-04-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my friend from High School yesterday after work. We haven't kept in touch very frequently. Occasionally I get a wild hair and try to change that, then one or both of us drifts again.

She just had a baby in March, the little girl is 5 weeks now. I stopped by, bringing hot drinks, held the baby, and we chatted for ~3 hours. It was great on many levels, for both of us if I may be so bold to assume. I was a very interested audience as she talked about the trials of pregnancy and early parenthood.

Baby J is adorable, though I am pretty sure now that I am not a "baby" woman. When TTC I definitely looked upon them with envy, and thought they were cute enough most of the time. I have also had many daydreams involving holding MY baby. But, I have never really squealed and begged to hold anyone's baby. In fact, I usually dodged games of pass the baby, for fear I'd do something wrong. Holding baby J was nice, but I passed her back to momma when my arms were a little tired, though she seemed to be dozing rather peacefully.

I've always been more likely to engage toddlers and preschoolers. Witnessing and participating in their emerging personhood truly amazes me and draws me in. They are so eager for exposure to new things... I could spend hours with a tyke one-on-one, and the fewer toys the better. Give me a piece of paper and markers, some blocks, or just the natural world, and we'd have a blast.

One image that sticks with me about my visit with M and baby J... One thing I really loved seeing... is when her DH came home and was holding and playing with the baby. Seeing DH with our baby, should the fates allow, would overflow my heart.

Heartbeat, Belly Shots

2009-04-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

I heard the heartbeat on Thursday! My OB had to dig for it just a little bit, just when I was getting a little nervous I heard the wonderful woosh woosh woosh. Then the doctor said the baby is moving, and the sound morphed into a more rapid shwew shwew shwew. It sounded like video game laser beams at a distance. :) I told DH later, and we commented that we have a gamer-in-training.

I now have the abdominal ultrasound date!!! It is set for May 4th, my follow-up appointment with my doctor is on May 7th. Its three weeks from Monday, I can't wait. I have two concerns about the appointment, who they allow in and how much I should drink.

Some moms have told me to drink exactly as much as they say to. Others have said to drink less than requested, because they followed instructions and it didn't work out so well (were forced to wait and couldn't hold it, had a miserable experience, or were asked to empty some anyway before the ultrasound). I'm already using the bathroom every 30 minutes without extra fluids...

As for how many spectators they allow... the scheduling lady said nothing on the subject, and the doctor's order only says no children. But, when I was rummaging around on the web site it said they allow only one visitor. My mom really wants to be there, and my DH might or might not be ambivalent, but I really want my DH there. Maybe I'll call and ask them to be sure.

Every time I ask DH to take a belly shot we both find ourselves giggling. FINALLY, I have edited the pictures. I still think I look like I'm just gaining weight, with an obvious fullness but no bump. I do appreciate my new haircut!

15w1d - a craving!

2009-04-05T05:59:00.000-07:00

I was laying awake in bed for hours thinking I'd fall back to sleep, but no. I should know better. Every now and then something gets out of whack and I wake up way too early. These episodes precede pregnancy, though the frequent bathroom trips probably exacerbate the problem. Now I'm up, having made my tummy happy with some milk, wondering if I should go back to bed or just nap later. Or, maybe both. :) Though I hesitate to spend the last day of my spring break in bed (and with temps over 50 degrees at last!)

As for the point of this post, I was at the mall on Friday, getting a haircut and doing some gift shopping. Aside: I was sure to hit the bathroom both before and after my haircut. My bladder has always been on the small and active side. But, it seems to be aiming for all new levels of frequency.

Anyway, after the to-do list was taken care of, I started feeling very hungry. So, I wandered up to the food court. With over a half-dozen choices you would think something would be appetizing, but no. Pizza? Ugh. Flaming Wok? Meh... and kinda spendy. Ivars? Fish sounds okay, but not fried. A&W is DH's favorite lately, so we eat there too often as it is.

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I must have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! So, I headed out to the car. All I could think about on the way home was crunchy peanut butter, nestled up against my new blackberry jam washed down with a cold glass of milk (yes, I'm a lactose-addict lately). My easy, cheap, classic lunch lived up to all of my expectations. Now its starting to sound good for breakfast...

Award, Pics

2009-03-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Tiffany over at To A T gave me an award a few days ago, that I am just now getting to!

Now I am ready for some good ole lemonade.....Here are a few rules.....
1.Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2.Nominate at least 10 blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3.Link to your nominees within your post
4.Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5.Share the love and link to the person from who you received your award
And my Lemonade Award goes to....

I don't think I can pick 10 without re-tagging, and I might be re-tagging anyway! But, here are some that came to mind:

Mrs. Spit
babysmiling
Natalie
Katie
Brandi

And, further in lieu of a real post, here are a couple of pictures.

1. My seed-starting setup. You see a couple of examples of my paper pots (the soil holds down the inner flaps). I may fill them up in the next couple of days. Inside the towel are individually labeled zip locks with soaking seeds. Beneath all of it is a heating pad.

2. The new baby carriage! Note: I just couldn't crop out the daffodils coming up in the lower-left corner.

Spring Break!

2009-03-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

I should be grocery shopping, but a post is long overdue! All is entirely well. If it was any more well I would dissolve into a puddle of wellness.

I've resolved my fluids dilemma for now with Tang and Ovaltine (no, not mixed together). I'm diluting them generously to avoid sugar overload. So far so good. I've also just now succeeded at baking a nice batch of bran muffins (with a sprinkle of raisins and walnuts). They are actually edible, and on my first try! I munched two right away.

We picked up our new car Monday night. It is so cute, I love it. I'm going to get used to it all too soon. I've been calling it the baby carriage. At some point down the road, if all goes well, DH will occasionally need to keep the new car while I work because he will have baby errands. It will be strange to drive our old car. :)

I made my first maternity purchase at Target yesterday, a BeBand (bella band substitute). I don't have to use it yet, but that day is approaching, especially after eating at Olive Garden for dinner last night. :p I would estimate my weight gain to date at an average of 3 pounds, though I feel rounder and heavier in many respects. We also bought new pillows (DH likes the 2nd most expensive kind in existance!) so our old pillows are going to form the first pillars of my sleep support system.

My only "poor me" at the moment (*insert flogging for being a whiner here*) is impatience. I want to feel movement, it has been a whole 17 days since we saw our stickie moving on the ultrasound. Who knows what's going on in there now? My other impatience is gender identification. I'm a convicted planner, and I want to plan dangit. Though I admit, girl or boy, lavender is going to play a role. I'd also like to look pregnant instead of like I've been a glutton.

I'm aware I have an bloggish award out there somewhere, I will have to see to that soon!

Wheels

2009-03-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

I must admit last week was fun. We have over 100 people who pop in and out of the office, so many of them were not around for the big announcement on Monday. It seems there were a couple people each day that I told, or that "found out" and were happy and thrilled.

All is quiet on the oven front. I'm trying to be healthy and hanging out in the holding pattern. I've been very thirsty lately, and water really isn't my most favorite drink. Milk and juice only get me so far. I'd probably be sucking down green tea if it were not for the folic acid absorption issue. I've tried throwing honey and lemon at my water with modest success. Next I may try some gatorade drink mix.

I have bloating that comes and goes, but no real bump. I can find my uterus when I look for it, but it isn't making itself incredibly obvious just yet. I'm impatient for showing and movement. I will post belly pics once I have one that shows some difference from my first pic.

It was funny, apparently my dad has started badgering my mom about when she's going to get on with planning a baby shower. He also wants to go shopping. I think its cute my dad is almost/even more excited than my mom.

Last but not least, the title of this post. This weekend we are car shopping, hoping to officially buy next weekend. Our current car is 11yrs old, cracked windshield, no air conditioning, golf cart that would collapse at the first sign of collision with the monster trucks that drive around here. So, we're aiming at a Honda Fit. Still small and economical, with more doors, a/c, and safety. I'm excited!

The world knows + u/s pic

2009-03-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

We told my mom and dad last night. I wore a shirt to work today that said "Baby Loading..." with a progress bar. :)

First, my parents. This will be their first grandbaby, and DH and I have been married for 9 years. So, yes, they were thrilled. I had the pretense of bringing over a flier my dad asked me to make. I gave him a copy of the flier, and my mom a copy of the ultrasound. She said, "Is this you???" She was jubilant, they both are. Though she said I should have told her, she would have been there for the u/s. Sorry mom, it was wierd enough having DH there for my pelvic exam and vaginal ultrasound. I just told her I wanted to be sure everything was okay first. She can come to the next abdominal ultrasound.

Then, she was all about baby names. Apparently she'd be thrilled if a grandchild was named after her nickname. Sorry mom, don't think so. Yes, we have names picked out, no we aren't telling anyone (even the anonymyous-net) because you'd all think the names are wierd, or would want to steal them. I did tell her not to worry too much, we have standards. 1. Easy to spell. 2. Easy to pronounce. 3. Don't BEG to bemade fun of. Then I deflected by asking what SHE wanted to be named. Nana T-, I like it. :)

At work today it was all surprised and happy hugs and joy. Though a couple of the more observant ladies noticed I'd seemed a little more run down than usual lately. The big shocker, even my boss was happy. He didn't flinch too much at the date either. Though later on he was talking to people (very much tongue in cheek) about allowing me only 2 weeks off and setting me up a workstation at home and a crib at work. :p That reminds me, I tried to call HR today, but my HR lady was out.

I feel on the edge of... not a freakout but... something... now that everyone knows. It is starting to sink in, not for real but for surreal. It's as if I'm beginning to take steps out of the life I've known and into someone else's. Figuratively, my skin does not quite feel like my own. I'm looking into the mirror and seeing someone else's face. I'm waking in the morning to live someone else's life. I have no doubts that I'll adjust, adaptability is one of my strong suits. These are interesting times. This is why:

Baby Inside!

2009-03-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

Pics later, I either have to take them with my camera, or sneak them in to work where I can use the scanner.

In retrospect, I feel lucky our appointment happened! Their office had 3 doctors out, so my OB was covering and busy. When we arrived he was delivering a baby at the hospital next door, so the official part of the appointment started an hour late. In the mean time, the nurse took my weight and BP, and we talked to the billing lady and had to sign a contract. Finally, my Dr was available.

He did the exam, and felt my uterus. Yep, its that growing hardness beneath my belly button that I was wondering about. Next he hooked me up for the transvaginal ultrasound. Wow! It was sooo cool. The baby squirmed, rubbed face, waved, kicked etc while its little heart beat away at 165 bpm. I was glad DH was there to see it all. They left us with 5 pictures, which are awesome but don't even compare to the live motion view.

I mostly just stared in awe, smiling, nodding and trying remember everything my Dr. said. He said all looks well, "perfect" even and that we'd probably hear him say that many times throughout the pregnancy. I hope he's right. I am really happy with my OB, and glad he was able to get to us before he had to rush off and deliver baby #5 for the day (and I overheard that there would be a C-section after that). Next appt in 4 weeks.

So, unfortunately, my parents won't both be in the same place (and awake) until Sunday evening, so I'll have to wait to tell them then. I plan on breaking the news to my poor boss on Monday. :)

To Do List: Get my u/s pictures digitized, and take another belly pic, and post all of the above. I guess I'm not "just" bloated after all.

Three.More.Days

2009-03-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Just random kvetches and gripes, nothing to see here!

Now I'm second-guessing what I thought I heard at the office. I'm pretty sure the nurse said they have a smaller less-sophisticated ultrasound they will use at my next appointment. But, the appointment schedule sheet says the next appointment is when I hear fetal heart tones. So... maybe she actually said doppler instead? But maybe not. I don't know, I'm confused. Three more days, no regular symptoms. I hope there's a somebody in there, alive and well in a comfy womb.

I'm also a little glum due to daylight savings. DST is mostly just a hindrence for those who work at "it.hurts.o'clock" in the morning. My morning sunrise has been pushed back a month. :(

Oh, the new blanket of snow really wasn't helpful for my mood either. We had just gotten rid of the dirty icy remains of our monster winter. But, it isn't done with us yet. 1-3 more inches tonight, hmf.

I'm thankful for... being pregnant, a busy/occupying occupation that compensates us fairly, good snow tires, a loving DH, and a president who appreciates scientific inquiry and its role in developing public policy.

10w2d, Appointment ETA 7 days

2009-03-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

Nope, my appointment isn't here yet. It has been forever-ish, like running a marathon through a foot of cold peanutbutter. I've stocked up plenty of comp-time to make next Thursday a half day. Now, it just has to get here. I really should've saved up some of that patience I squandered during various two week waits.

Anyway, there are far worse things. :)

One kind of disturbing thing today was an uncomfortable dizzy spell I had at work. I haven't had an issue like that in years. Though I used to let my blood sugar get a little low occasonally in my late teens/early 20s.

We were watching a copy machine demo, in a crowded stuffy hot room, no chairs. I tried shifting my weight, marching in place, bending my knees, popping a vitamin C drop, but I could feel the room closing in and my vision was getting sparkly. I discreetly scooted out into the hall and around the corner where I found a comfy chair to rest in, and made like I was making some notes. When I felt well enough, I visited the drinking fountain down the hall, used the restroom, and took another drink. I rejoined the gathering feeling much better.

I need to remind myself to eat more protein I spose. I had a stick of cheese with lunch, and there were some legumes in my soup, but probably not nearly enough. I'll have to fix that for tomorrow.

Now, its off to my Yoga/Pilates class. I'm definitely going to take it easy.

A Nerdy PG-Free Post

2009-03-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

So, I've been hoping to spend some quality time with CivIV:BTS (a turn-based strategy game on the computer). But, as I've mentioned before, my computer keeps crashing. I've always been suspicious about the temperature, which is why I run with my case off.

Today I finally installed some software to monitor my CPU temp, and fired up Civ. Sure enough, after ~20 minutes the screen froze.

I restarted and checked the log to see 94 degrees CELSIUS (over 200 degrees F for my fellow Americans). Were it not for all of the electrons floating around, I could nearly use my cpu to boil water. No wonder my system hasn't been stable.

Now, what to do about it...

A. Give up on Civ

B. Get an extension cord so I can plug in an external fan to blow on my computer.

C. Surf around for a more uber cooling system for my poor CPU. If COMP-USA was still here I'd just go pick one up... I really liked shopping with them for parts because I knew I could take things back without shipping them.

I guess I'll do A until I can do B and then if B doesn't solve it or come summer time when I'm sure it will be more of an issue I'll try C.

I'm getting close to being in the market for a new computer, a laptop this time, but alas... I am waiting for Windows 7. In the words of micro$oft, I'm a PC. I'm a PC because that's what I've always used, because that's what I use at work, because I have an unnatural right-click attachment, and because Linux is not mainstream enough just yet.

While I'm doing A, I guess I'll do more reading. A coworker gave me a book called Islandia, perhaps I'll like it. I really haven't been picky about reading material lately, so I'm hopeful.

9w3d FRIDAY!

2009-02-27T16:02:00.000-08:00

It was a long busy week at work. I'm happy to be home.

Though I have a few things on my list this weekend too. I've decided to sign up for the next 6 weeks of my yoga/pilates. It really helps relax me after a stressful day at work, and I know I won't exactly have the discipline for just doing videos on my own.

The u/s feels so far away... To some extent, I feel like it none of this will be real to me until I have something tangible to look at. For all I know, there could be an alien, leprechaun, or tumor in there! I must see baby! Then I can relax a bit and tell the whole world. Alas, 12 days 22 hours and 18ish minutes. I have a ticker for it on my iGoogle page. It is titled, "Planting Seeds". :p I can probably order my announcement shirt now. Even that will take a smidge of faith and courage for some odd reason.

Gender thoughts: I will love and cherish whatever gender of human the universe sees fit to bless us with, without disappointment. That said, a girl would be lovely for a few reasons. DH says he would feel more comfortable raising a girl (though I'm not sure he says that from a place of objective reasoning). The spare bedroom is already pink, with textured walls that I'd not be eager to repaint. Last but not least, I'd love to cultivate a mother daughter relationship. There is nothing necessarily wrong with my relationship with my mother, but there have always been layers of guardedness, times I've tried to confide that weren't exactly received in the most receptive fashion.

I know I'll be a less than ideal parent on several levels. I'm sure nothing will be perfect. Just imperfect in a different way, perhaps. :)

Now, to grab a snack and pour over the latest issue of Organic Gardening.

Week Nine

2009-02-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

All's well! I have been totally ravenous, I've also had a bit of constipation. Neither of which has been unmanageable.

My diet has improved. I've stocked up on spinach, berries, veggies, rice cakes, and some of the easier-to-prepare meals that are healthy. It also helped that DH made the kitchen a glorious shiny place to cook in. The biggest factor may be the naps I've been allowing myself every day after work. The post-lunch slump is murder, but after my nap I feel much more alive.

Last night I had a dream that word slipped out that I was expecting. I couldn't even remember the details or who found out or how or what I felt about it. But, I do kinda fear someone pointing a finger at me every time I turn around. :p

I have suspicions that a coworker might have found my blog. He's been taking a sudden interest in my work. He happens to be the person most likely to cover for me during leave... he's rather discreet so it wouldn't be a big deal. But, its probably all in my head anyway. :)

Two weeks two days until ultrasound! I have been thinking about it a dozen times a day, easily. I'd pass more time with Civ, except my computer keeps overheating and crashing. It used to just crash when I kept the case on... I need to point a fan at it, but our frightening mess of power strips has no opening.

I have yoga tonight and Thursday, then my class is over. So, I bought a prenatal yoga DVD on Amazon. I also picked up 4 prenatal books from the library. The lady behind the counter gave me some wierd looks... maybe because I look young for my age. Maybe because she thinks I won't be able to finish them before they are due. *shrugs*

Nothing Tragic

2009-02-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

I tried to call this morning at 10 minutes after the office opened, but they still had their morning answering message up. The spotting had become lighter and browner, and I became less worried as a result.

I didn't get a chance to call back until after work. I was waylaid by various tasks (like the state wanting a sudden necessary revision to one of our vital forms, sigh) and had no sure opportunity for a private phone call.

I called in from my car after work, and received a call back from a nurse just a few minutes ago. As expected, no need to rush me in. I'm one of 30% who have spotting, and the nurse recommended pelvic rest. That's fine by me, I could probably use a break. :p The spotting is barely noticable now, for that I am quite thankful.

So, to change the subject, its time for me to navel-gaze about my diet... I eat fairly well for breakfast and lunch. Breakfast is typically either oatmeal w/milk, or yogurt with berries and granola. My snack is typically fruit, sometimes w/peanut butter. Lunch is usually soup (lentil, bean, chicken, etc) or salad (shrimp or tuna), sometimes with some cheese. I have cheese or nuts for a snack when I come home. But, dinner really does me in. I come home exhausted, and cooking nourishing fare feels like too much work. Hence, tonight we're feasting on corndogs. Prior nights have involved fast food.

Part of me pats myself on the back for eschewing caffeine, alcohol, etc. and eating a varied diet. The other part of me beleagures my sugar, salt, and fat intake. There's a long list of foods to avoid that I was given by the nurse. I think I've eaten almost all of them! However, corn dogs were not on the list. :p

Not how I wanted to wake up...

2009-02-20T05:39:00.000-08:00

Pink spotting on TP and on panty liner placed afterwards. Crap.

No cramps though, and maybe we were a little exuberant last night... so I'm trying not to gloom it up. I'm going to work, I'll call the Dr. office when they open. I would be surprised if they want to see me, but who knows.

Argh.

First Appointment

2009-02-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

I went in to see the nurse today with my FMU sample. I started by filling out a bunch of paperwork, the nurse called me back when I was 3/4 of the way through. She confirmed the pregnancy and gave me a long list of all of the Do's and Dont's. They gave me a bag with the office logo on it to put all of the pamphlets and fliers in. Most of it is stuff I've already learned through my Mayo Clinic's Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and the internet.

There were some items of value. I was happy to get a calendar with fetal stages on it, and some cute stickers I can add to it for 1st ultrasound, feeling 1st movement, etc. I was also happy to get some pamphlets about deciding which prenatal tests to have done, and various options for labor and delivery (monitoring, pain relief, etc). I'll have to post more about the hospital's Family Materinity Center later. It sounds really spiffy.

She gave me a schedule of when they will see me, I'll have 2 ultrasounds overall. The first is with a little machine in their office, the next will be at the big imaging lab. I scheduled my first ultrasound for March 12th after work. Its farther away than I would like, but I must take a moment to be very thankful I'm such a low-risk subject.

I left the office with paperwork for my bloodwork (RH, german measles, antibody, blood counts). The bloodwork office was across the street. I almost wanted DH to come in case I felt dizzy and didn't want to drive home. But, it felt silly with the office so close by. So, I drove across the street and popped in.

As I sait waiting for them to call my name, I looked over the B/W form. I was sorely tempted to whip out my pen and check the HcG boxes... but, I didn't. :p The nice vampire lady called me back, and pulled together the 5 vials I'd need to fill. The first one went fine, but my vein petered out (that stung a bit). So, she looked at my other arm but the vein was so tiny she had to get a baby needle. That went much better, and didn't hurt much at all. She gave me a little can of juice (I wasn't feeling that bad, but it was nice to have). Then, sent me into the bathroom for a urine sample.

Driving home via manual transmission was awkward with my elbows all taped up. But, I made it. :)

The End... Er... The Beginning

Now, I have some reading material to go over, and about a month to kill. Luckily CivFanatics just relased the next Beyond the Sword Game of the Month! There is NO time-killer like Civ. :)

My Valentine

2009-02-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

When DH and I were seriously dating, I said I wanted two kids, just like my parents had. A girl and a boy, if I could be so lucky. He made it clear that he did not want kids. He felt it was irresponsible, and the Earth is overburdened enough as it is. I suggested that if we only had one, we'd still be doing "our part" for population control, since we wouldn't be replacing both of us.

Eventually, he came around to the idea that being with me meant being a father someday. But, the motivation has always been primarily mine. He was excited to start trying, as any DH would be. But most of the enthusiasm around the BFP has been mine. His vibe has been mostly happy for me/us and very supportive, if not personally jubilant. I know it must be a big scary deal for him... I'm the primary breadwinner and we've both talked about the fact that he's going to be a work at home dad. He'll have the lion's share of the dirty work when I return to the office.

So, fast forward to this week. After I got home on Wednesday, DH left to run an errand. The next day, I get in to work at 6am to be greeted by a beautiful fragrant boquet of lillies, roses, and many other flowers I cannot name, before a backdrop of bells of ireland. :) He also made sure I had an email when I arrived saying the flowers were an early V-day gift, but he wanted me to be able to enjoy them and show them off.

I brought them home yesterday, and they are perfuming the whole house. DH said he didn't want to give just roses, as roses were for courtship and romance. This boquet has more meaning. :) Later that day he was talking about telling some friends online that he has a lot to be happy about, because its Valentine's and his wife is preggers.

Thus, my heart is full, and I have a DH to go smooch into wakefulness.

The silver-lined cloud

2009-02-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

I had spoken to my boss and coworkers to let them know I would be leaving early to run errands. I had my cargo out in the car (hoping it wouldn't freeze). It was 10am, I was away from my desk helping someone learn Excel charts. I took my time there, happy to see the minutes tick by until departure time. I figured I'd leave by 11:15 because the midday traffic can get a little hairy.

When I made it back to my desk there was a voicemail from my Dr's office... Apparently the nurse I was supposed to see is sick and they want to reschdule me. *pouts* So, I called back and rescheduled. The receptionist was quite apologetic, and they got me an appointment the following Monday which just happens to be President's Day. :)

Already asked for time off + didn't bring anything for lunch + appointment rescheduled for a day off = time to go home! So, I'm home. While I'm anxious to get some professional cofirmation of my "condition", it is just going to be a conversation with a nurse. Maybe next week I'll be far enough along that they can schedule the u/s.

As for now, I'm feeling tired so I may nap. But, later I plan on using my extra time to make lasagne. :)

My Kind of Friday

2009-02-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

DH went to bed early (his sleep schedule is novel-worthy, but I'm too tired to explain). I made myself dinner which included shrimp (DH avoids seafood of all stripes) and watched the remainder of the News Hour with Jim Leher. Shields and Brooks night, woot! <--- No sarcasm there

After my meal and my uber-dry news, I began the activity I'd been waiting for since yesterday. I curled up with the last few chapters of Breaking Dawn. Ahhh, this is Friday. Just me and my imagination as prompted by Stephenie Meyer. Alas, it is over now. No more of that to be had. I'm not sure how interested I am in the prequels... I guess I'll go back on a nonfiction kick for a while. I'm not holding my breath for George RR Martin.

Now, I'm wrapping up my evening by posting and drinking root beer, trying to settle my stomach a bit before bed. The nausea is at its worst for me between 4pm and 10pm. Every morning I wake up thinking, "Its gone, is something wrong?" every evening it reminds me that it isn't just a morning affliction, or a morning affliction at all for me so far.

I should be and am extremely grateful for that fact (among others). I'm not sure how I'd drag myself to work every day at I-should-still-be-sleeping-o'clock in the morning otherwise.

Almost ill

2009-02-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about skipping yoga/pilates tonight...

I didn't get enough sleep last night due to every fault of my own. Blame Breaking Dawn.

Next, I don't know if it was eating too much at lunch, or if that piece of chocolate cake just pushed me over the top. It didn't seem like that much when I was eating... a small bowl full of cottage cheese and pears followed by beef/peapods/rice leftovers followed by chocolate cake from someone's birthday. It was a corner slice with too much frosting, which I typically hate, but I ate it anyway.

I slogged through my afternoon, came home, crashed, and slept for nearly 2 hours. Now, if I want to make my class I should be eating right now so I have time to digest. Yet, I don't feel like it at all. I'm not having clear and present nausea... its more like a vague motion-sick over-full feeling. I'd really rather not push it.

DH keeps telling me the class was my idea and I have no obligations to anyone. So, maybe I'll try some gentle stretching at home and call it good.

None of this is really jumping out at me and saying "you're pregnant!" though that is the obvious cause. It is still kinda hard to believe, like I expected it to be WHAM, and force me to hug some porcelain. Instead, I've just got some nagging fatigue and unease of the stomach. Okay, I need to think about something else now.

Here's to 6 weeks! DH votes for the title, "Growing Expectations" which is super nice and fitting, but the desire to be funny is making me seriously consider: "can haz baby?"

5w3d

2009-01-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

Just for kicks, I POAS this morning using a test that expired in 2005. I'd picked it up when AF was late once ages ago, but didn't end up needing it. It seemed to work just fine for being 4 years expired - the line was immediate and dark. So, now you know.

I survived another pregnant-incognito week at work with no one the wiser. Though I was a little pale Monday and people kept asking me how I felt. "I feel fine!" I would say, exasperated. I really did feel fine, though I should have had breakfast earlier. The questions were gone the next day, when I was seen running down the hall as usual (thankfully we don't work in a school building or I'd be in trouble). My boss's office is about as far as you can get from mine, on the other end of a long boring corridor. So, I jog it. I always have. :)

I have told one additional person - my yoga instructor. I'm thinking about switching to a prenatal yoga class when this class ends at the end of Feb.

My brother let me off the hook easy for his Superbowl party tomorrow. He called to ask how much DH and I will be drinking, seeing as how I work early Monday. :) So, I'm the driver. Its just as well, I was quite the lush on New Year's Eve. Its time for DH to start drinking for three. :p

Though a visit from Cousin Candi would be awesome for real, I will probably just claim errands for my appointment on the 9th. I have 3 hours of comp time, easy. So, if I want to jet early one day I'll be totally allowed.

One of the ways I might tell my mother... there's a little story behind this. I think it was three years ago on Mother's day, I went over to my mom's house to bring her flowers and love. She said she had something for me too.

She pulled a blue denim-like shirt out of a bag and said, "I saw this and thought of you."

I took the shirt, the letter M catching my eye on the tag. "MOM!" I said, accusingly, "This is maternity!"

"What?" she said, all innocent taking the shirt back to examine it for herself. "Oh, I had no idea! I just thought it looked like you. I guess I'll just hang on to it then."

DH never believed that it was an innocent mistake. I still haven't made up my mind... At some point though, I'm just going to tell her she has something of mine and I want it back. Then we'll see if she can figure it out. :p

Jar Smuggler

2009-01-26T17:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for the kind congrats and SBVs! Your support and excitement means a lot to me. :)

Every time I start taking this BFP for granted and making big plans, scary words pop into my head, or a random and brief pain comes to my attention - the kind I would have brushed off in the past. Then, I assure myself that everything is probably just fine, but I really am better off taking things one day at a time for now.

I'm feeling good, but tired. I haven't been sleeping well partly due to nightly flatulence. I'm damn lucky DH is a heavy sleeper LOL. Though some peppermint tea before bed last night really helped. I slept quite well, with no "interruptions". My BBs are on the sore and swolen side, according to DH, "They're new! :D" No other symptoms.

The last bit of news for the day: I made my first Dr Appt! Alas, it is two weeks away on the 9th in the early afternoon. Apparently my first appointment is with a nurse, not my OB :( . They also asked me to bring in some FMU. I have a ton of empty jars, so that won't be a problem. Though I never thought I'd be bringing something like that to work with me. A brown paper bag in the car seems like a good place for it to stay.

So, now I have two weeks to decide what to tell my boss and coworkers. "Doctor's Appointment" is way too suspicious for someone with no health problems, who seldom gets sick, who has been openly trying for months. It IS my sister in law's birthday... a last-minute shopping excuse could work, and I could take the second half of the day off and do just that. I'm owed the hours. *ponders*

Post-Conceived Notion

2009-01-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

The BFP details:

I tested a week earlier than I had planned, last Sunday. I wouldn't have tested, except DH knew I was in limbo and he asked as we woke up Sunday morning, “Are you going to test?”. So, I did, and DH read the results for me, a faint but obvious BFP! I was being quiet about it online, waiting to be more sure, and received my positive on the digital yesterday. Though there was no fooling Mrs. Spit, and I thank her for her thoughts and prayers. I am still pregnant.

My first hope is for a sticky healthy full term pregnancy! I've never ever ever been here before. I've wanted to be here pretty much my entire life. I just hope all goes well. Once it sinks in, I know I will feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and all that must be done. Not only do I have a junk room to transform into a nursery, but a job that no one can take over. Both things require preparation.

I'm happy about many things right now. I have a new way to reconnect with some old friends, one who will be having a baby in March. But, I am going to wait as long as I can (I doubt I'll make it to 12 weeks) to tell my family and coworkers. I will tell everyone just before the rumor mill picks up speed.

At work last week I kept expecting everyone to just know, or expecting me to give it away somehow. But, I didn't. Most coworkers know we're trying. Thankfully no one asked for an update as I'm a terrible liar. If asked maybe I'll just say, "I wish" as in, "I wish I could tell you." Then it will only be a lie of ommission. :)

I also felt guilty when talking with my mom on the phone. But, if I tell my family it will make it back to my work place within a matter of days. I could ask them to keep it quiet, but I think it would be more fun if everyone knew and no one had to exercise restraint. This will be the first grandbaby on both sides of the family. Since we've been married for 9 years, everyone (but me and possibly my mother) has been surprisingly patient.

Besides, I want to think of a fun way to tell everyone. I was looking at some of the pregnancy shirts on Cafe Press, they are pretty funny. Ideally I'd put the ultrasound pic on a T shirt, but I don't think I can wait that long. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow. At my preconception appointment he said not to be in a hurry to call after getting a BFP, so I doubt they do early scans for "routine" pregnancies.

Last but NOT least... lucky number 7. A month ago I would've told you it was a long and torturous journey. But, rationally I know seven months is not very long to try. Thank you (yes you) for your support and commiseration. I am NOT more deserving or more ready than any one of you. If I had my way, each and every one of us would begin the journey to parenthood exactly when we are committed to being parents, and not a moment later. You have every right to whatever you feel when people out in this blog world announce their BFPs!

Of course this means my blog will change from a TTC blog to a whiny pregnancy blog. In the past, I have heard people complain about problems I only wish I had, and I'm afraid I'm destined to commit that sin myself. It also means this blog title is a bit outdated. I've liked it very much but it is time for a change. Maybe something along the lines of "Oven at Work". What do you think?

Whatever the case, I will continue to read your stories, follow your journeys, and offer my support so long as you want it. I hope I can still be your blogfriend from this side of the BFP line and that you can cross over and join me soon!

Honest Scrap - Coming Clean Edition

2009-01-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

Ophelia tagged me with the Honest Scrap award. Yayness! She's the most energetic unapologetic blogger evAr, a spirit to be admired.

So, I'm supposed to tag other blogs superior in content or design. I've seen this pop up many times though, and I can't remember who has been tagged already. So, chances are if I read your blog it IS superior in content or design so consider yourself tagged. :)

Next, I'm to list 10 honest things about myself. Without further ado...

1. I have my boss save our coffee grounds at work. I don't even drink the nasty black stuff at work, but I take the grounds home for my compost pile. Only, sometimes I accidently leave them in the car and it makes it smell like nasty old coffee grounds...

2. DH and I play Mario Kart Wii almost every day after work. We play multiplayer, I play for points and DH is my wingman because the guest can't get points anyway. So, I try to come in first and he tries to mess up everyone else. His Mii is named Bottom, and it looks like a sideways derrier. We have developed a shorthand language to share info about the track, example: if I fire a green shell backwards and DH is back there I'll warn him by saying, "green back!". We rock (usually).

3. I am a half-assed consumer of organic/green foods and products. I would love to buy the organic free-range chickens all the time. One, because they are less likely to have issues that come from industrial cost-cutting production. Two, because the chickens had a better life that way. Three, because its easier on the environment to raise them that way. However, due to my very humble frugal upbringing I have a hard time buying a bird for $4 per pound when I could buy one for 69 cents a pound. However, if nothing is on sale, I will try to go the organic route even though it costs more. It doesn't make much sense, but there you go.

4. We have no Whole Foods or Trader Joe's here. Our organic options are limited and therefore even more expensive. We have a co-op, and a natural foods store, and the seasonal Farmer's Market. That's it. I am so sad when our Farmer's Market closes each Fall. I buy a huge pint of local honey each fall to tide me over until spring.

5. I try to eat 2 out of 3 vegetarian meals each day. Sometimes I succeed at 3/3 but that is rare because DH is a convicted carnivore. Not only that, he prefers beef (could eat it daily) and doesn't like fish at all.

6. I still haven't read China Study, but I will dangnabit. In fact, maybe I'll read that next as I'm almost done with Eclipse. I like to alternate fiction and non fiction.

7. Deep down I'm afraid I'm just a hack, a big fish in a tiny pond. Here I am setting up imaging systems, web sites, and databases and state reporting compliance for our department of ~400 people with no formal training on the subject. Everyone heaps praise on me for my work, but sometimes I feel as though its only because they have never met a "real" IT person.

8. To compensate for the above, I read books, journals, blogs, and do tons of self-study. I'm also going to seek out some database certifications. I just don't have time for a bachelor's degree... If there was such a thing, I'd have a doctorate from Google University. :p

9. I really wish someone else in blogland would jump out and say the same thing I'm going to say for number 10, so I wouldn't be alone... so I wouldn't be the only traitor. If you know of any other traitors I'd be happy to read their blogs. I hope none of my home/work/family reads this blog because they don't know.

10. It is time to come clean... I've known for 7 days.... But, a geek like myself can't do anything without digital confirmation.

Brief update

2009-01-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

The spotting has stopped. :) The HPTs I ordered are not here yet. I have a busy week coming up with it being a short work week and yolates class Tuesday and Thursday, and DH needs to pick up his glasses soon. So, I may be a little quiet until next weekend.

Take care and have a good week blogfriends!

Welcome to Limbo

2009-01-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, the same position I was in last month. This is day 3 of very light spotting. Last cycle I had 3 such spotting days before AF finally showed. So, I'm guessing today or tomorrow, but until then I'm in limbo. I'm also confusing myself by finding stories online about women spotting around the time of getting their BFP. I don't think implantation spotting would have lasted this long.

My hope is holding out mostly because of the dream I had last night... I was sitting in the back of a car with my baby in the car seat next to me. Later I was holding her, but the baby didn't want to breastfeed because DH had always been taking care of her. Yes, it was a girl. Yes, DH plans to stay home with our someday future baby.

Simultaneously, I'm preparing for next cycle. I bought some internet cheapy OPKs and HPTs. If AF isn't here in force by the time they arrive I will use one of the HPTs. When I'm out shopping today I'm going to get some B complex (my LP has always been borderline) and some EPO because I seldom witness EWCM. If I spend money on stuff for next cycle, murphy's law will be in my favor, right?

Anyway, either I'm pregnant or I have a plan for cycle #8. So, my spirits are good, thanks for all of the support!

Don't want her kind around here...

2009-01-15T19:14:00.000-08:00

I encountered some spotting today... CD28, either 8DPO (implantation?) or 11DPO (AF?). I'm glumly assuming the latter. When it happened at work earlier today it put a serious damper on my mood.

I'm trying to consume a bunch of B6 foods and vitamins just in case... but I don't have a lot of hope. I only have more expensive tests, so I don't want to use any of them. I assume a couple of days will confirm my decision.

On the bright side, shoving my face full of good things is having an impact on my raging headache. It started a couple-three hours ago, and I think it will drive me to bed early. Tis just as well, I've been staying up too late.

I think I'll read a bit of my organic gardening magazine before bedtime.

Tomorrow: TGIF!

Reality Flexed

2009-01-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

The class wasn't canceled. Now that I've gotten over the omg neverdonethis neverbeenthere neverseenthesepeople angst I'm quite glad.

As it turns out, my pilates book and my Wii Fit Yoga training DID provide some level of familiarity with The Real Thing. Though, unfortunately I hadn't practiced either recently enough. So, tomorrow, my arms and abs will be angreeeee. Usually the class meets every Tue and Thu, but not the 3rd Thursday of the month because a different group has the venue. I'm glad we won't be meeting in 2 days, it will give me time to recover. Though I might fire up the Wii Fit again.

The instructor seems nice and knowledgeable and gives us plenty of options. "You can stay here if you like, or you can go HERE" (insert human pretzel). No, I'm not going to go there.

Alas, I don't think I will ever touch my toes, or come close to a proper downward facing dog. This time it has nothing to do with my neighbors... It's all about my FREAKISHLY long thighs. They are so long I can cross my legs, then cross behind my calves, then wrap my foot around the front again. While it's a great party trick... and I thank my father for the awesome metabolism... the thighs? Not so much.

But there are far worse things and I am happy with my first forced (becuase I'm paying for it) fitness adventure. Maybe next time I'll show up a bit early and socialize more.

Less of thought

2009-01-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing IPS around every corner of this supposed (because I can't be sure if/when I O'd) 2ww. But, I'm not supposed to be thinking about that.

I'm not supposed to be thinking about 4-legged creatures next door that shall remain nameless either. I've spent a full year's worth of synaptic firing on them in the past 3 days.

I am allowed to be thinking about why the yoga/pilates instructor hasn't emailed us yet to let us know if class is still on tomorrow - the class needs 3 more or it will be canceled. It would be my first ever group exercise class since... home/fitness in high school. I still haven't decided if I'm hoping for the class to be canceled (yay, I get to avoid unfamiliar people and possibly uncomfortable new experiences) or not (boo, I don't get to meet new people or challenge myself).

Ultimately, I think I shall read the trashy romance novel (I say that with some degree of affection - I read them frequently in high school) leant to me by a coworker. It's called Bittersweet.

I did finally buy Twilight book 3, now that the hype phase has died down. When it arrives later this week I will be able to continue the series in peace. ;)

A little red sin...

2009-01-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

I feel no guilt or shame, despite being in the 2ww. You see, I was being good, bringing in groceries. DH was napping. On my second trip in from the car the neighbor's pit bull jumped over their porch wall into our yard and charged me.

I flew at warp speed into the house and slammed the door behind me. I got a picture of the dog through the front door window. I called animal control (they never came, maybe Monday...). I had a civil chat with neighbor man (who still doesn't seem to recognize the severity of the problem). I talked DH down from doing anything extreme. I wrote it all down. Then I paced and DH/I kvetched for an hour or so.

You see, I needed something to calm my nerves. It was a very small glass of merlot. I only bought it because DH likes it in the stew. Please do not report me to CPS. I swear, if I am ever so fortunate as to be graced with a BFP it will not happen again.

Becoming

2009-01-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

It is a dark and quiet time. I've had many days off due to weather, and thus little routine. I have done a few valuable things... I reread my NaNoWriMo 2005 "book" with intentions of completing it. I have put many neurons into garden planning (I ordered my seeds!). I have signed up for some physical activity. I even got some work done today.

I have been partly successful in not being obsessed with TTC. At least today I was able to recognize when my thoughts were headed that direction, and erect a hasty mental diversion.

It seems odd that I will have one day of work tomorrow followed by a weekend.

What I'm not thinking about

2009-01-02T23:03:00.001-08:00

On 12/31 I had some major *gasp and hang on to something* pains in the general vicinity of my right ovary as we were driving to my brother's house to celebrate the new year.

TMI: .... Later in the evening I noticed brownish spotting. It hasn't happened since. That would have been CD13, but my past O dates have been in the 16-20 range. Since it is rather confusing, I'm going to file this event way back in the deep dark recesses of my mind. The only reason I haven't posted about it already is because I didn't want to focus on it.

As for the new year: my DH played designated driver, and my dear brother played bartender, and I bonded with my SIL's mother. I drank plenty of water and tea upon returning home, and I suffered not at all for the adventure.

I hope everyone had a lovely New Year. From here, 2009 is nothing but wide-open possibility. :)

P.S. I finished updating my seed spreadsheet if anyone is interested. The link is in my prior post. 54 varieties, 10 of them just so happen to be tomatoes!

Seed Sharing

2008-12-31T09:57:00.001-08:00

I have created my seed inventory spreadsheet! It may seem obsessive but it will help me plant on time, and assist in deciding what seeds to buy for the coming year.

The spreadsheet is on Google Docs, so I can share it with you! If you are interested in any of the seeds I'm happy to share as long as my listed quantity is more than "handful". By handful, I mean 12 seeds or less, so I probably can't part with those.

Carbon's Seed Inventory

I still have about half of my seeds left to enter, so that's why tomatoes aren't on the list yet. :)

In Retrospect

2008-12-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

A helpful thought that has come me lately is this: I can only get pregnant in restrospect.

Getting me pregnant is not something we can do in the present or future tense. It isn't something I can plan, or schedule, or even wish into being. It is only after I have been there for a while, the biological cogs gently turning at their own pace, that slowly the realization comes. Then, only then, can I look back and say we conceived!

But, from here, there is no way to bring it into being. There is no thought or action that has any bearing whatsoever. It only happens in retrospect.

In retrospect, 2008 was an impatient year. There were certain ups and downs, certain victories, a few quagmires. But, an undercurrent of impatience punctuated all of it. I hope to live more in the present in 2009.

Foiled by Dreams

2008-12-29T09:38:00.001-08:00

Here I am with firm intentions and well-laid plans to NOT think about TTC stuff this cycle. Yet, for the past two nights I have been dreaming about babies... other people's babies.

I can't remember the one from night before last, but last night... oh man... Somehow I agreed to volunteer to work at an infant daycare. It involved lots of holding and feeding babies of the extremely cute variety. I woke up this morning full of that empty feeling of wanting to be a mother. Its time to regroup, and sign up for that yoga/pilates class.

It is also time to honor my family's post-Christmas tradition. My grandmother firmly believed it was bad luck to let your Christmas decorations see the New Year. My mom is going to be extra vigilant about it this year. Last year she was not so vigilant. The annual total amounts to a broken foot from a falling television, and a totalled car after an encounter with a negligently-driven semi truck. She has since recovered, with a nice newer 4wd vehicle. But, hesitates to invite any catastrophes for 2009.

Merry Day

2008-12-25T08:23:00.001-08:00

To all who wander this way, whether it is your first and only visit or one of many, please accept your greeting of choice. :)

Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays

etc.

In otherwords, I hope you have an awesome sort of day, and I hope it is just as special or ordinary as you would like it to be.

We do presents and traditional strawberry waffles at Mom & Dad's. That is, after we excavate our car from the latest round of snow. Our totals are in the 3 foot range now!

Intentions for Cycle 7

2008-12-23T21:09:00.000-08:00

My intentions are thus:

Drink lots of green tea.

Imbibe until New Years (not constantly, but no deprivation either)

If my next cycle hasn't started by then, test on January 25th~ish

That's it.

I'm trying to stay away from constant fertility information and comiseration. I moved my shortcut to the forums so my visits have been rare. I still find myself reading my favorite blogs because I feel somewhat invested in the outcomes, as invested as one can get through characters on a computer screen. I think I'm going to drop out of the TTC livejournal group I recently joined. I have little connection there.

The energy I have placed upon hunting for information, and trading impatient sentiments, I hope to redirect toward something more immediately fulfilling and constructive, like...

My programming project for work - I have a big helping of "I don't wanna" when it comes to this. Yet, if I can just get going on it, I will become immersed, and the outcome is very important. I need to have it 95% done by January 5th.

Getting a FileMaker certification.

Learning more tunes on my keyboard.

Exercising (Wii Yoga or my beginning pilates routine if nothing else)

Writing (finishing my NaNo from 2005)

If productive pursuits seem like the bane of my existance, I can always turn my attention to games. On the Wii I could finish Zelda or MarioKart or play more Sims Pets. On the DS, I have one game I'm in the middle of and two others to start. On the computer, I can ALWAYS play more CivIV.

I really need a new book to read... I don't want to buy the next Twilight book, as a coworker said she'd lend it to me after break. Yet, I don't really have anything else to read between now and then. Maybe I'll pick up the China Study or other nonfiction used from Amazon or something.

The point of this post: I have plenty to do in terms of entertainment or productivity that has nothing to do with TTC. So, I'm trying not to go there as much as possible.

14 inches on a small car

2008-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Waffling

2008-12-20T09:14:00.000-08:00

I keep waffling between going back to the relax method and redoubling my/our efforts.

True, I just got done throwing some money at the internets for some boxers for DH. But, I'm not sure I want to move over to the trying for 6+ months forum. I'm not sure I want to keep temping and charting. I don't even think it matters because we BD regularly enough as it is.

I still haven't responded to my friend's pregnancy announcement. Sigh. I think I'll go do that when I'm done with this note.

I emailed a yoga instructor in town, I really like the newbie program on their web site. It starts in early January though, so I wanted to ask if there was still space available. No response just yet.

Last night I played Sims2 Pets for a while. It was an okay distraction. We always have video games to play, but I just don't feel very interested. I guess I'd love a good book, but I don't have any at hand...

I feel in a bit of a rut since we're partly snowed in, and likely to get even more snowed in tomorrow. I was going to convince DH to come to work with me so I can get my laptop. I would hate to get stuck in our tiny car. With my work laptop maybe I can get the huge mega programming project done that has gotten pushed back over 2 years....

Nevermind ~ seeds

2008-12-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

AF is here. I really need a hobby. Maybe yoga. For tonight it will be wine.

Gardening is my primary hobby of course. But, you can't do much about it in the winter besides stare at garden prOn (otherwise known as seed catalogs). I love gardening, To a T asked what I do with all of my seeds. My answer is, plant them. Or, imagine that I will plant them anyway.

My "garden" consists of the following:

Edibles:
A 3x5ft raised bed in which I grow salad veggies.
A 6ft row along the fence that I have used for tomatoes.
A 8ft row along another fence that I have used for peas and cucumbers).
A 6x6ft patch near the back fence that is too overrun with earwigs to do much with. Three attempts at corn have failed....
I also have patches/hills for raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries. But, they don't require seeding.

Flowers:
I have two flower beds out front beyond the fence, flower beds along the front fence, two flower beds beneath the aspen trees, one flower bed along the side of the house, and a big flower bed out back.

Each year I have a few successes and several failures. Despite all of the garden/flower beds listed, I have a SMALL yard! I also don't tend to it as much as I should. So, I've been trying to fill each flower bed with low maintenance plants to cut back on weeding duty.

So, with flower seed I love collecting and spreading that which does best all on its own. I can spread a handful of calendula seed or snapdragon seed and it just takes off next spring, crowding out anything I don't want there. There is something magical about cracking open a snapdragon pod and collecting all of the "snapdragon eggs" as DH once called them. :)

With veggie seed, its more of an organic gardening / preservation / survival / romantic streak. I have romantic notions of the failure of modern infrastructure causing us to take all of my seeds out into the country somewhere and carving out a living. Of course, I don't really know much about living off of the land. We'd likely starve to death over the first winter, but it sounds cool somehow.

Overall, I guess you could say I like buying, collecting, saving, (and sometimes planting) large varieties of seeds like some women collect shoes. Only, its much easier on the budget. :)

A Secret...

2008-12-19T10:13:00.000-08:00

I've been afraid to write this because I don't know what to believe and I don't want to jinx anything...

I'm on CD 34, 14 DPO, my usual LP length is 11-12 days my longest cycle was 31 days. I've been spotting lightly (brown/gray only) for the past 4 days including today. For the past couple of days I've had intermittent cramps/discomfort/stabbing pains on the right side ONLY. No other symptoms. My temp nosedived this AM, but still no sign of the real AF. My temps, CM, and OPKs and post-O nipple soreness are all telling me I ovulated on CD 20 without a doubt. We also BD'd at the right times. But, now I'm quite confused.

I had a BFN yesterday morning on an internet cheapie. I'm out of tests, so we're going to Walgreens. I will probably test again tomorrow AM.

Tagged - 7 Random Things

2008-12-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by To A T! Thanks for the tag T! :)

So, here are some random things...

1. I collect small containers for saving seeds in. I have altoids containers, spice containers, little make-up jars, pill bottles, tiny ziplock bags, etc. I would have to say my favorites for small seeds are the little plastic SD card holders. I probably have enough containers to last the rest of my life! Yet, it is still hard to toss out any potential candidates.

2. IMNSHO, The Flight of the Hamsters game is THE BEST single-click game ever. If you want to waste time, CLICKY. My top single flight is around 600, DH's is over 1000! The secret: try to stay level, and avoid big bounces.

3. I have a soap phobia. Anything that is washed MUST be rinsed THOROUGHLY or else it will make me feel ill. When I was little hearing threats toward my cousins of having their mouths washed out with soap seemed to me a fate worse than death. Even when I was older, it took me a while before I was willing to wash cuts with soap and water. It was peroxide or nothin! I've relaxed a bit over the years.

4. I <3 soup. Seriously, I could eat soup every single day. That is the one bright spot of these bitterly cold temps we've been having. Its superb soup weather! Minestrone is my favorite, but I enjoy all kinds. I never met a soup I didn't like. OTOH, DH doesn't like soup at all. So, I eat it for lunch at work every day. :)

5. I finally switched us over from using paper towels as napkins, to using real napkins! It makes me feel less wasteful, and I enjoy using them more anyway.

6. I received a very nice very thankful email from a parent the other day. She'd been struggling to get some assistive technology going in the classroom for her child, and she was very appreciative of my efforts to move things along. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. :)

7. I recently learned that an old friend is pregnant, and quite far along. I'm trying to process it in a graceful manner. AF is due any minute, and has threatened with some spotting. My temps are still up, which amounts to a sliver of hope. But... it would be so much easier if... I even had brief visions of us reconnecting over the subject of motherhood.

Anyone I might even think of tagging has already been tagged. So, I tag anyone who has felt left out, or read a list of tagged bloggers hoping to see their name and coming up empty.

Patience

2008-12-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

Today I find myself in need of quotations and affirmations on patience. So, I looked some up.

http://www.coping.org/growth/patient.htm
http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/patience/
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/patience/

That helped, I think. Next I would like to do something positive and peaceful. Maybe with DH, but if not, then perhaps Yoga or some low-key gaming.

Present and O-counted for

2008-12-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

I landed my darkest line ever on an OPK, complete with twinges in the appropriate region on my right side. It's all in the hands of the Universe now! I'm feeling pretty happy.

I'm temping again, with a fair amount of regularity. I suspect a temp spike tomorrow morning.

My back has been tweaked :( For reasons I cannot fathom, DH is philosophically/ideologically opposed to chiropractors. He said he'll be more active with me if I can avoid going to a chiropractor. So, maybe I will make use of that and we'll go for walks more often. We don't live in the most walkable neighborhood, but there is a state park 20 minutes away. I have grand visions of us cross-country skiing, or some such. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. :)

Mario Kart Wii is a great passtime, and while it seems to boost the heartrate on occasion, it doesn't count as exercise!

I still live

2008-12-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

Here I am, alive! I guess there hasn't been much news on the TTC front. Mostly, I have had some extremely busy weeks at home and at werk. We had a federal funding period to get ready for, but now that has blown over I'm much less stressed.

Its just in time for O and BD. I'm not sure I've O'd just yet, my temps are still lowish but I've gotten progressively darker lines on the OPK. If I had to guess, I'm O'ing nowish and my temp will spike tomorrow morn.

I'm crossing my crossables and feeling various shades of hopeful. I'm also piloting extreme quantities of hamsters through the air. I'm addicted, my longest flight was over 300 feet. http://www.digyourowngrave.com/flight-of-the-hamsters/

I'm about halfway through Wicked. I was expecting something a bit more congruous with the Wizard of Oz. The adult content threw me at first. Once I wrapped my brain around Wicked on its own merits I've been enjoying it much more.

The weight of the wait

2008-11-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

So, the title says it all. The waiting game begins anew. I am waiting for my OPKs and probe covers to arrive. The words "probe cover" sound so... sordid. It brings to mind things either anal or alien, and neither one sound like something I'd willingly buy and bring into my home. But, the probe covers are coming, nonetheless.

I'm in pretty good spirits, I've put my Wii gym to work twice this week after months of stasis. Wii Fit Yoga is doing my lower back quite a bit of good, maybe I won't need to see a chiropractor after all. In addition, Wii DDR is actually quite fun. It makes me feel like I'm dancing, but with helpful arrows to keep me from tripping over my own feet.

I have ONE beef with my virtual gym. If I could change just one thing it would be adding some sort of continuous mode. :( Neither the Wii Fit, nor Wii DDR has a continuous mode where you can go from activity to activity (poses in the case of yoga, or songs in the case of DDR) without the system stopping and giving you a grade. It gets annoying. Maybe someday when I feel confident enough with the Yoga poses I'll just do them on my own and flow from one to the next. No such solution for DDR...

Oh well, I paid enough for my Wii gym, I think I'll just get over it. :)

CD1

2008-11-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

AF is here with a vengeance (meaning, with cramps). Because my cycle has been less than regular the last 2 months, I'm going to start temping again. I'll probably buy more OPKs too.

Before I start temping, I need to buy some of those sleeves for my BBT. Washing it daily is a pain, not washing it daily is icky... Only, I can't remember what they are called or where I saw them last. I know they don't have them at the same online locale where I buy the OPKs. Though, I don't understand why they wouldn't sell them!

I think I'll also see a chiropractor for my lower back issues. I read an article somewhere that mentioned back issues and TTC. The chiropractor at the benefits fair gave me a brief prodding and said I really need help (big surprise). I liked her "backside" manner, so I think I'll schedule an appointment. I also asked around at the benefits fair about ART. None of the plans available to me would cover ART, so I really hope it isn't needed.

I'm bummed. Not tearfully bummed yet, but acting like a whiny 12yr old. DH encourages patience. I'm anxious for the chocolate chip walnut coconut cookies to be cool enough to eat.

Not promising

2008-11-15T08:13:00.001-08:00

I tested after work yesterday, BFN. TMI: I had started spotting yesterday, but it was extremely light. Now, it is more than spotting, still brown though. I may test again tomorrow morning if I don't have an obvious CD1 on my hands. Part of me would like to watch football tomorrow in an inebriated fashion.

So, this past cycle was my cycle of not paying attention. Part of me wants to go full bore next cycle (temp, chart, opk, drinking teas, seeing chiropractor, doing yoga, food/drink nazi, mucinex). DH thinks I should continue the laissez-faire method: "What? We're TTC? I thought we were just having an active sex life..."

I have been so hopeful, positive energy seems to have been with me lately on many fronts. I guess I'm not out yet, but I can't help but think of next round.

Can Has Letters!

2008-11-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have been putting it off in the back of my mind... the results of my RE.5NA exam. They said it could be 6 weeks, and I almost hoped it would be even longer. But, it wasn't. The envelope in my box this morning was white and large. I couldn't remember if large was good or bad. So, I took it quietly toward my office to read it in peace, only I didn't get quite that far. The hall was empty of onlookers. Seemingly of their own volition, my anxious fingers broke the seal.

I slid some papers from the envelope. A few words flashed in front of my eyes, "pleased to inform..." Wait, they wouldn't be pleased if I'd failed right? My gaze skipped further down the page, "Congratulations!"

As the reality settled in, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I'd been shoving my fear of the results to the back of my mind for weeks, only to have my mind wander and wish I could take back some of the answers I'd given. But, that's all over now!

Bring on persons with various impairments (especially those seeking computer access and educational assistance), I am now an ATP (Assi.stive Techn.o1ogy Professona1)!

There is an odd thing on my certificate. It says I'm an ATP effective until October 13, 20099. Does that mean I don't have to re-up my certification next year? :p

Synchronicity

2008-11-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

I chose to read the old book that has been on my shelf for years (haven't started Wicked yet). I used to belong to the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Book Club. It started when I was about 16, and books were one of my indulgences with money from my first job. I loved the fantasy novels. I was also a sucker for the grab bags they sent over the years to entice me to come back to membership.

One of these grab bags contained Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. I'm actually enjoying it. Its just under 600 pages with a small typeface, a good solid read. I'm nearly halfway through.

But, something interesting happened after I had read but a chapter of the book that sat on my shelf for a half dozen years. I was flipping TV stations when I noticed a televised fantasy movie, and heard some familiar words. Sure enough, it was a broadcast of the book I had just started reading. I watched a little, just enough to be certain, just enough to take note of some of the differences between the plot of the book and the screenplay. I didn't spoil anything.

But, it just kinda struck me. If I had seen that movie on TV but a week ago it would have no meaning for me. Yet, since I had begun reading the book it did.

I love catching moments of synchronicity in my life. They make me appreciate the wonder and mysticism of the universe. Like, being introduced to a new word or concept and seeing it come up later the same day (sometimes more than once). These things are in no way related causally. Perhaps that initial exposure just makes us more attuned to seeing them later. But, it tickles the spirit in some way that I can't help but appreciate.

CD27, average cycle length has been 27-29. Last cycle was 21 days due to vacation issues. No sign of AF yet, and I did not get post-O nipple agony. I haven't been charting or using OPKs, so who knows if O occurred. I'm just chilling out about it for now. If needed I'll test Friday. I suppose my mood could be considered cautiously hopeful.

1WW

2008-11-07T15:51:00.001-08:00

And what a slow wait it is. It feels like its been a month already but alas it has only been a week. We're going with "the more the merrier" strategy on BD. We'll see how far it gets us.

I really wanted a new car by now. I've been looking at a Honda Fit for ages (small practical hatchback). But, we are waiting to see if car funds need to be rerouted to help with baby making. :/ On the bright side, at this rate Honda will have its new Insight hybrid out by the time we're ready to buy. Its supposed to be under $20K. When we bought our Aspire, we said our next car would be an alternative fuel vehicle. Unfortunately green options have not become as available or economical as we'd hoped.

In the mean time, I put my foot down on the subject of snow tires. If I'm going to have to drive our old beloved again this winter I want to be safe.

I just found out today that a coworker of mine is reading Twilight and needs the second book! :D I will lend it to her then we will have something to chat about besides our political differences. :p

I guess that means I should pick up the 3rd book while I still have some B&N gift card $$.

Happy Weekend to all!

Annual Distraction

2008-10-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Each Autumn I endeavor to create an ever more time consuming and elaborate pumpkin carv-, er, sculpture. This year was no different.

Techniques and tools:

A cartoon image borrowed from the internet

An exacto knife

Seven hours of my life!

The results:

Not much really

2008-10-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

Back to the grind, a week off will really cause the requests to stack up.

I've started playing my Yoga "game" on the DS. I also found a series of yoga for back pain videos online. I've quickly figured out that backward-bending positions are not for me. My lower back has always had issues, since I worked on my feet all day as a cashier for 3 years. I love when DH picks me up and my spine can hang and stretch. So, maybe some specialized regimes will help me out.

Other than that, I'm not dong anything special this cycle. No temps, no opks, no avoiding alcohol (until next week when I might O), no caffeine ban (though I've given up the hard stuff - coffee).

I'm not reading anything. I can't decide whether to buy & read the next Twilight book, finish a fantasy book that has been sitting on my shelf for years - I have read the first 10ish pages - or read Wicked which I bought for the trip but didn't get to. Hmmms.

Bump in the road

2008-10-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back. It was a great conference, though I won't know if I passed my exam for 6 weeks. I'm really happy to be home. Though I must report that the motherhood effort has hit a minor snag.

The attempt at procreation didn't happen before I left. But, I'm not sure it matters since AF showed on Thursday - a whole week early. It was annoying to have to buy overpriced uncomfortable hygeine products from the hotel gift shop, but oh well.That puts my last cycle at 21 days... I have no clue what's up with that. Correction, either marital stress, travel, or changes in vitamin consumption are most likely at fault.

I would guess that I didn't ovulate. If I did ovulate on time that would put my LP at 6 days. I'm used to 11 or 12, so that can't be right. I have no reason to think I ovulated early. So, I'm going to chalk this one up to an annovulatory cycle due to stress/travel!

At least the next cycle gets to start earlier than expected. :)

Effort

2008-10-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that are going to require my effort over the next couple of days.

The one most relevant to this blog... is getting DH interested in making us parents. DH has been under some stress lately, and he just hasn't been interested. I have some enticement in mind, I hope it is effective. The tried and true methods have not been very successful.

The other is studying a 4 inch high stack of flash cards. I need to answer a 200 question multiple choice test that is geared toward people with masters degrees that I do not have. But, I have years of experience in the field, and my trusty flash cards to study every waking moment between now and Monday morning. I think I can squeak out a pass if I can keep my test anxiety in check.

Lastly is packing for this trip, and cooking some food DH can reheat in my absence. I don't have to make delicious meals before I leave, but I want to.

If I can get through all of the above... I have two books and two DS games waiting to reward me. The former are New Moon and Wicked. The latter are FF Revenant Wings and a Yoga training game. Wicked and Yoga were impulse buys, a rare thing for a girl who grew up without much money. But, I'll have a week of evenings to fill.

Of course, I'll have my werk laptop and the internet. The hotel actually charges for net access. In every hotel I've been to in the past it was a free perk. Oh well, werk is definitely picking up the tab on that one.

Okay, back to studying.

Twilight, Relax Method

2008-10-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Twilight was fun. Fun enough and entertaining enough that I will grab the next one before my trip to MN next weekend. It isn't my typical genre, I prefer more medieval style fantasy. But it was tough to put down in a few spots. I can really relate to Bella, especially on the clumsiness factor!

On the TTC front, I'm doing good at forgetting about it for the most part. I was a happy healthy person before TTC, so why should I have to change everything? I drink sodas, mostly diet but sometimes not. I don't always get the recommended daily alotment of vegetables. I do not exercise. But, I don't care. No one ever prescribes the above as forms of birth control, and I have no reason to think there are any extra issues. So, I'm TTCing this cycle as Me not Supermom.

Pretty much the only thing I'm going to do is make sure we BD before my trip!

Regularly scheduled reality

2008-09-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

If I knew what I know now, I would've ditched the pill 4 months earlier. But, if I had I'd probably get pregnant straight away, so its a silly train of thought.

I know its nothing really, 80% conceive within the first year, 20% chance each cycle, etc. Though when DH said I might hit my window, just one year later than expected, I wanted to say uncharitable things to him. Originally I wanted to be a mom before 30. We got to a late start, so I figured if I gave birth while still 30 that would work. That won't happen now. Hmf.

I just usually have a plan and some action I can take to get where I'd like to go. Not so now. In fact, maybe changing my routines, my diet, etc. may be doing more harm than good. Or, maybe none of it matters one way or the other. Who knows! I'm just going to forget about it until the 2ww. We BD quite enough so I really have nothing to worry about in the timing department.

The saving grace is I have plenty of other things to occupy my time. Work, preparing for conference, preparing for certification exam, a slew of fall yard work which will likely go undone again this year, Mario Kart Wii, and Twilight. I've been reading it each twilight, and its good thus far. I like fantasy and sci-fi, though I'm a little skeptical of the well-worn theme that has come up. I'll reserve judgment though. :)

Knock, Knock. Who's there? AF?

2008-09-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

AF is showing some serious signs. I suspect tomorrow will be CD 1. C'est la vie. At least I have another absolutely regular cycle under my belt, and can pick up a bottle of red on my way home from work.

I re-did the math and it looks like I will O right before I travel to the conference for a week. Whew! Part of me is really looking forward to the conference, another part feels like I have way too much to do yet! Luckily it is a 3 day weekend just before the conference.

I've been writing in my journal about why I'm physically/mentally/spiritually worthy of motherhood. I think I'll continue that. DH also suggested that this be a science-free cycle. I'm tempted to take some additional supplements, try mucinex or other EWCM enhancers. But, I can always do that the cycle after if need be. I'm going to be rather much too busy to bother with all of the measuring and monitoring anyway.

This cycle would put me delivering in July, which would coincide exactly with my short summer break. I was hoping for earlier, to tack additional time onto my break. But, in the grand scheme it is still within my "window".

Bad Blogger

2008-09-22T19:27:00.001-07:00

BFN on Sunday, and today just for good measure. That probably explains (but not excuses) the lack of postage... Either AF will come in a couple of days, or I O'd late and it will come later, or I'm pregnant. Who knows?! In the mean time, being alive seems to make my nipples sore.

I'm just trying to feel hopeful and going about my business. Today was a typical crazy work day, but I think its coming under control. I did enjoy a relaxing weekend that included dinner at Outback. I had bacon-wrapped steak with shrimp and scallops over wild rice with a side of asparagus. I ate the whole thing. :) I really like ordering things DH isn't crazy about when we go out to eat, which means both seafood and asparagus.

Yesterday I watched the awesome Seahawks game. It's about time we get one in the win column! I really enjoyed it, and I didn't know it at the time but during commercials I was working on a project for a coworker who was at the game.

Between eating out and football I've been jonesing for a some sort of fermented beverage. But, if the universe and I are on the same page I won't get to indulge for a loooooooong time.

I ordered a used copy of Twilight. I hope it comes soon, none of my book options here at home are very interesting.

Happy Friday!

2008-09-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

I wish a wonderful weekend to whomever wanders by.

I'm still having the abdominal twinge IPS, with some bloating for good measure. Yesterday the nipple sensitivity started in. Now I'm doubting and wondering if maybe I didn't just O late because the nips always complain right after O.

But, I didn't use more OPKs and I am not temping. So, who knows!

I will still test on Sunday, but my mindset has become a bit more cautious.

6DPO IPS

2008-09-17T17:36:00.001-07:00

My way too early IPS at this time include:

1. NO nipple sensitivity after O. That is a first for me.

2. Exhaustion despite decent sleeping habits.

3. Pinching / Twinging sensations in my lower left abdominal area.

I was going to wait to post until 7DPO and call it the 1WW. But, I'm just too hopeful to contain myself at this time. Could it be? Yes, it must be. Because I said so.

If I can keep together some grain of sanity, I'll wait until Sunday to test.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early. ZzzZZzZzzzz

2WW

2008-09-13T13:07:00.001-07:00

Word has gotten around that we are trying. There is an ongoing joke at work about how my boss is slipping birth control into the water. When asked, I've been saying, "I have no news on that subject."

Just today, the dreaded event happened. I received TTC advice from my mother (disguised as innocently passing along info from my aunt). "A well-worn path grows no grass." Thanks. I reminded her gently that the internet provides all of the info I could possibly need on the subject and more. Besides, we abstained for 3 days before the positive OPK, and even under fatigue I think DH has enough swimmers to do the job. It's all up to me. My mom also tried to mention ovulation predictors. I said I was aware of them.

In truth I don't really mind all that much. What I mind far more is waiting. I guess I can enjoy stringing everyone along in the mean time. I *think* I had a positive OPK on Thursday and I had plenty of wet CF yesterday if I'm not mistaken. So, the wait begins.

I really really hope this is the cycle, because I might miss O next cycle due to a conference I'm going to for work.