So near and yet so far...

I have three weeks of BCP to take, and then I'm done. Then comes a month of charting, temping, tracking AF, and maybe even CM. DH seems to be intent on the pull and pray method during this time, because I'd rather get pregnant in July than June.

Would it be the end of the world? NO, absolutely not! The timing is better in July though, because then I can be gone from Spring Break through the rest of the school year, and maybe go back to work part time after my maternity leave is over.

In the mean time, I'm driving myself crazy. I'm trying to eat like a heart attack patient. I'm trying to exercise. I'm trying to cut back on booze (with some success). I haven't come close to cutting back on caffeine, I had the most yummy cup of coffee this morning. Though I can say I've taken the first step. I bought a variety sampler pack of teeccino.

DH thinks I've gone off the deep end, maybe I have.

Can has friendz?

I'm going to the compost fair tomorrow - alone. I have no friends. Well, I have friends, but those who share my interests have no time and those have have time do not share my interests. Admittedly, it takes a special kind of gal to get excited about decaying matter and worm castings.

The fact that I don't seem to have much of a village has started to bug me lately. DH could not care less. If a highly selective pathogen wiped every soul off of the planet aside from himself and I, I'm not sure he'd care. He might miss the people at the fast food windows though...

I, on the other hand, am a strange kind of closet extrovert. I love to be social, but usually someone has to invite me out. It takes a lot for me to gear up the will to ask someone to do something with me, and lately, when I've done so, it just hasn't panned out. Bummer.

I thought about joining the local UU church, or getting more involved in politics, or... *shrug* Surely there's a social network out there somewhere IRL with my name on it. But, I have yet to find it. I'm willing to give of myself, and be supportive to others, and not even ask much but the opportunity for companionship. Surely some group out there wants me?

So, what does that have to do with the subject matter at the top of this blog? I'm thinking mommyhood might just be the ticket. From the outside, it seems to me that women with similar aged kids have an instant interest in common, an automagical camaraderie. Maybe that's why I've spent so much time surfing infertility blogs. Though I can't know what it is like to be them in any way, I feel a kinship with their desire to be a mother. Maybe, just maybe, motherhood will be my ticket to membership. Prenatal yoga? Parenting classes? Due date clubs? Is that where my social circle will be found?

When?

Well, I spilled the beans today. I let my mother and some extended family members know *exactly* when we would start trying to build our family.

It was at my Mom's 50th birthday party. It was quite an affair, my dad planned it quite nicely. Anyway, I don't know exactly why my womb became such a topic for discussion. Is it just because everyone knows Mom would love to be a grandma? Is it because we've been married for nearly nine years? I don't know, but I eventually said in a straightforward fashion that we'd be pulling the goalie this summer.

I mind far less than I thought I would. I actually think I'll be (if all goes as planned) one of those pregnant women who loves the attention. My only concern is the pressure and having to explain to people if/when/how it doesn't happen as planned. If all goes well, then its not a concern at all!

So, here's to hoping that all things proceed as hoped and (now) announced.

The Fever

I've been on the fringes of baby fever for nearly a year. This was when I learned that we had the resources to start our family a little sooner than we had expected. But, I told myself I wasn't going overboard. I'm not shopping for baby things. I didn't look at every baby on the street. I'm not always thinking about it. It isn't slipping into conversation with coworkers.

Well, I've hit the tipping point. I had a dream last night I was in an establishment that I'd heard advertised on Rick Steve's Europe. It looked extremely slummy, there were gang bangers outside, everything seemed dirty. But, they were supposed to be good. They did an ultrasound(?) that happened to be full color 3D. The gruesome blood and guts I was able to see didn't seem to matter because the fetus was there. It looked like a fully formed baby, just of smaller stature. It had tons of space to move around, and it spread its legs to give the onlookers a full view. There were many people in the room, old once-friends, my parents, and of course DH. We all knew at once that she was a girl.

I remember someone in the room was upset, and I was vaguely aware of an imagined disagreement between DH and I over the name. But, none of that mattered, I was tearfully joyful.

In addition to this dream... most everything I wasn't doing, that wasn't happening, in the first paragraph of this post... is now commonplace. I am a sappy supplicant to this fever!

levonorgestrel ticker tape

I'm on my last set of pills (91 day regimen), yay! Now I have a nifty little counter to tell me how many days remain until I'm free of anti-fertility hormones.

I just finished reading Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food. It rocks hard. The first half was a little dry, because it explains how and why our existing Western food supply has become so crappy. The second part contained rules for healthy eating which include: Eat food, not too much, mostly plants. I hope to stop buying the majority of our food from the local Safeway at some point. May is my detox month, so between now and then I'll either subscribe to a CSA type thingie, become a regular at the Farmer's Market, or visit our local Whole Foods lookalike. Perhaps all of the above.

I could be doing better with the physical fitness regimen. I adored working my tooshie off in the yard Thursday and Friday, but then the weather turned crappy and some virus or bacterium decided to have a family reunion in my throat. I've been a little lightheaded and dizzy too. Let's just say my typing accuracy is not all that at the moment. It's been nearly an entire year since I had an illness worth writing about. Meh.

I'll close with these thoughts on parenting, as I hope to apply them to my own life. I'm not about to advise others.

1. Natural consequences trump corporal punishment. Discipline exists partly to teach kids how the real world works. In the real world, if you are speeding you get fined. If it keeps up you lose the privilege of driving. The cop doesn't pull you out of your car and spank you.

2. Sex positive. My child, male or female, WILL have sex one day when he/she comes of age and can make that choice. I can accept this, unlike my own mother (fodder for a whole entire post).

3. We write our own narratives. The Secret is BS. Its the same thing I've known about life for some time. You get from the world what you put into it. It's no big secret.

4. Knowledge is power, guided and limitless access to knowledge is the best policy. We're not going to filter our child's internet access, though we will have rules about how and when our child communicates with strangers (not a subject that is unique to the internet). You don't teach your child that streets are dangerous things never to be crossed. You teach them to look both ways, because you won't always be there to hold their hand. The Internet should be the same way.

The end, for now.

Fitness Forward

I'm done with school! Yayness! I haven't taken enough opportunity lately to pat myself on the back for achieving my two year degree. Alas, the spare time I have recently gained is already allotted to gardening.

One of my last classes was cross training. While I didn't follow my workout schedules perfectly, I know that I am more fit than I've been in a long time. However, I also know that fitness is a journey, not a destination. So, how do I maintain fitness now that there are no workout schedules to turn in???

There are several options available to me, each with their own pros and cons. In no particular order....

Take a class. I'm looking at two classes in our parks and recreation flier. One is a Yoga Pilates blend, which appeals to me. The other is a belly dance class, which sounds like hella fun. Downsides? They require a fee, and they require being at a certain place at a certain time. If I want to skip it because I don't feel like it that day... its my dollar. Also, none of the classes take place right after work. They are all later in the evening, when I'm likely to feel lazy. Either would cut into my dinner/hubby time.

Walk my parents dog. I like this option because it will allow me to be physically active right after work (their house is near my work), I will enjoy walking around the old neighborhood, and I like the feeling of security of walking with a large dog. Walking will help me get in shape for walking the 12k in May. I also think the poor shepherd doesn't get out enough and could use some training. OTOH, I may have to resort to allergy medication, I may not feel like walking him when the weather sucks, and it could take some effort to get him to behave.

Wii Sports, Wii Fit, Wii DDR. I'm sure this option will be included in the mix. My video games are perfect for when the weather sucks. I can't wait until the Wii Fit comes out. I think I'm going to be doing this instead of any kind of video aerobics. I have enough room to play the Wii games in front of the TV, but I don't quite have enough room for mat based workouts.

Gardening. This one is probably the ticket. There are literally a million ways for me to exert myself in our modest-sized yard. As soon as the ground thaws I have fall deadness to rake up, a compost pile to form, a lawn to aerate, weeds to pull, and TONS of grass to remove from various flower and garden beds.

I guess that nails it. When the weather is nice I will garden, when its crappy I will play active video games. To keep my training up for the marathon I may attend some of the training clinics on Saturday mornings.

Still Counting Days

In two weeks I will refill my extended cycle BCP prescription for the last time. In 17 days I will be done with school. In 18 days it will be the first day of spring. In a month and a couple of days it will be DH's birthday. Next is mom's birthday, then begins the reign of the health Nazi, then quitting birth control, then my birthday, then green light. For some strange reason I'm under the delusion that if I chop it up into bite-sized intervals it will go by faster.

I do have something new to say. DH agreed that we would use alternate means of birth control in June to give me a chance at a normal cycle for charting my temps. We are not fans of barriers, but I'm glad we'll be able to make due for a month. There's one tiny piece of the puzzle in place, that I can control. So, Independence Day will have a double meaning this year. :)

Of course the question remains, have we wasted the past 12 years of birth control?