Concentrate and try again

BFN this morning at 10 DPO. I think. There is a very faint second line, but it isn't where it should be. It's about 1/8 of an inch to the left of where I would expect it, under the label where the absorbent part ends and the test part begins. They are cheapie internet strips... I don't know if that means anything, but I'm sticking with the BFN hypothesis for now.

I'll test again Tuesday morning. 10 DPO is way early anyway, but I was thinking maybe I'd get lucky. :) Of course, AF is expected on Tuesday. I have heard of some people testing negative until 16 DPO... I'd really rather not be in the "AF is late but I'm still testing negative!" category, but I'll take it if it ends in a BFP.

Symptoms? I am feeling a little hot and dizzy. Though we did just work out the yard for a while, so who knows. DH was repairing a fencepost, I took the extra concrete and attempted to make a leaf-shaped birdbath. We'll see if it works...

I have had a corned beef in the crock pot all day, and the house smells of yum. I think I'm going to relax and play some Brain Age or Sudoku before dinner.

IPS, CD 23 7 DPO

I'm still procrastinating on my work project. I just haven't been very good at working from home. I've been a lazy bum! But, I have an ultimatum. If I don't get much of my project done before Sunday, I'm going in to work on Monday. Besides, a coworker left me a book to read. :)

On the TTC front, I've had few IPS to contend with. I had a significant temp drop yesterday (implantation or imagination?) today I have some subtle crampy/pulling feelings in the lower left area of my abdomen. But, I had all of the above last cycle too, so it probably doesn't mean much. The one thing that is markedly different: my nipples aren't sore! They bothered me only for two days whereas last cycle they were a source of agony from ovulation to AF.

Anyway, I've decided upon my first testing date: Sunday. A short three days! I hope I can make it with enough brain intact to perform the test.

Harry Potter is now in the past... I always hate it when a series comes to an end, though I prefer an end to crappy books inspired only by $$. So, I think it ended at the right time. Now, I'm changing gears and tackling some nonfiction. The Brain that Changes Itself. I'm finding it to be quite fascinating!

CD 20... 4 DPO

So, I'm feeling good about our chances. No real (or imaginary) symptoms -- it would be too early for them anyway. But, I have a general sense of positivity. It is a thin veil over a vast sea of impatience.

Give me a personal issue, or a computer problem. I will have a saint's patience. I will gently explain the difference between right-click and left-click to a new computer user. I will systematically narrow down all of the variables to isolate a computer issue. But, set a day in the future for when something (anything) will happen...? Let's just say I'm not very virtuous under those circumstances.

Ideally, I'd bury myself in my summer project for work to past the next ~8 days until I can reasonably test. (Though, you can bet on me cheating and testing earlier.) But, no, I'm all procrastination on that score. Today wasn't a good day for it, DH and I were just enjoying each other's company way too much. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Until then, I waste time. My favorite timewasters as of late include ... reading the last Harry Potter, spending time with my impatient sisters on the TTC Your First Child forum, looking up pregnancy charts on Fertility Friend, and reading blogs (most related to fertility or lack thereof in some way shape or form). Reading my livejournal friends list, where I post upon exciting topics like how I woke up too early this morning, and what I ate for lunch.

But, I suppose if all goes well, there will be nothing interesting to report for the next week at least.

2ww.... 50/50

When there is one of two possible outcomes in my life, I always interpret my odds as 50/50. Right now of course, either I'm going to be pregnant this cycle or I'm not. I also like to be equally prepared for either outcome. In this case, I'm not sure I'm prepared for either!

Odds are not in my favor for having success right off the bat, but having to go another cycle would be disappointing. Though I do have a plan for things we would do differently (like timing BD on a low sperm count assumption). It would still be a bummer.

Though pregnancy is the outcome I want, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that either! I'm sure it will immediately lead to fears of miscarriage and hopes for the fetus to stick. I'm sure I'll be on pins and needles until my first ultrasound.

So, I'll know which path I'm on in a couple of weeks. In the mean time, there is a flowerbed that has been totally overrun by weeds. Actually, just one type of weed... white cockle. Its going nuts all over the side of the house, crowding out the lily. I should take care of it before it becomes too hot to be outside.

Woot!

I've been able to relax a bit today, and all is well. Very well.

I'm on CD 16, and I have received my first OPK! :D We also had some fun in the bedroom and my hopes are high. We'll see if I still have a positive OPK tomorrow, and if my temperature shifts. I have not had any O pains yet, but I might not end up having them at all. I kinda hope the window is closing and I get my temp shift tomorrow, because that would mean I get to start my 2ww.

The sooner it starts, the sooner I can have it behind me! Then I'll know what path I'm on... either the pregnancy path or the next cycle in which I will likely be several orders of magnitude more obsessive. But, don't tell DH that, he thinks I've gone off the deep end as it is.

At some point I may have to answer the question... what to rename this blog after the notion has been officially conceived? :)

Stressful much?

Until recently I didn't totally understand how TTC could be stressful or put a strain on a relationship. Now, though I'm nowhere near those who have been in the trenches and would not minimize their experiences for anything, I'm starting to get the smallest inkling of a picture... after not even completing 1 cycle...

I'm sure most of it is my fault for being so tightly wound about this. Part of me wishes I could just let it happen. The other part of me has wanted this /forever/ and yesterday isn't soon enough. Another part of me has an ideal timeline, any deviation from which would be a catastrophe. The latter two parts seem to be overriding the first part.

CD15, my OPKs have all been very light or nonexistent. My CM is creamy at best. We shall see what today holds. Now I'm stressed that being stressed is going to delay ovulation.. Sigh.

Today I will try to just flow and rise above and see how that works.

Last night I had a dream I was breastfeeding my baby.

CD12 Hrmpf

My temperature shot up this morning, I don't know why. It could be because I slept in, didn't sleep very well, drank alcohol yesterday, or because I'm NOT ovulating and will NEVER ovulate! While it is most likely one of the former, of course I'm paranoid about the latter. Hopefully my temp will go back down where it should be tomorrow.

I did use an OPK earlier today and NADA... not even a whisper of a line. So, it will be a couple more days at least, by my slightly educated guess. At least DH now seems convinced that it would be a good idea to save his swimmers for when the pool is ready, so to speak.

Last cycle I O'd on CD16... I'm crossing my fingers!