Five Months

Twenty weeks. One hundred and forty days. I may end up getting pregnant as early as that. On the other hand, it could be many more months, years, or never. I have no way of knowing from here. No way of planning, no preparations, no checklist. Either we will conceive a child this summer or we won't. Without any shred of biological evidence one way or the other, I can only put our odds at 50/50. Though statistics seem to suggest its more like 80/20...

I should be enjoying what's left of my childless life. But, it still feels like a big assumption. If it all happens according to my fragile plans, I will be awestruck. In some ways, I feel like I've waited for it all my life. Surely, it can't be just that easy.

The unknowing of it all is the heaviest part for me. It seems silly, when many others would happily trade their own certain trials for my 50/50. But, I have always known that I am infinitely adaptable. I can take whatever is thrown, I just want to know what it is.

In the mean time, there are some things I know will probably be difficult for me should all go as planned:

- I already have a small and active bladder. How will I cope with a fetus using it for a trampoline?
- I already have lower back pain of an occasionally severe variety, how will I survive?
- Will I become an impossible mate with pregnancy hormones and without my usual friends, caffeine and alcohol?

I know some things I can do now. I can be physically active, and achieve my ultimate goal of walk/jogging our annual 12k run. I can eat whole and healthy foods, and limit my intake of toxins and pollutants. I can educate myself (with Google's help of course). I can be a dedicated employee. I can be a kind and loving spouse.

And maybe, this time next year, I can have so much to do it will make my head spin. :)

How far would I go?

I am not one for prayer, but I am holding ME in good and active thought right now as she struggles off an infection in a faraway hospital. She has suffered so much already, more IVF treatments than I care to know about, miscarriages, and now triplets born too early and with us too short. I only recently started reading her blog, Not According to Plan, but my heart goes out to her and her husband.

It is very ignorant for me to say what I would and wouldn't do if it turns out we can't conceive the old fashioned way. There would be emotions underlying my thoughts that I am not considering right now. But, from here in my cerebral sanctuary, I like to believe I would draw the line before IVF. This is a very personal choice for everyone, and I do not believe my answer should be anyone else's answer. Here are my current reasons why I'd shy away from IVF:

Injecting myself, repeatedly, doesn't sound like fun
I wouldn't want to saddle my progeny with infertility by genetic inheritance
What is really so awesome about *my* genes?
I want to raise a child much more than I want to give birth to one
The expense
There are millions of children without families

I think we could afford either international adoption, or IVF, but not both. So, after trying the basic remedies for conception I think I'd be more likely to adopt than try IVF. Hopefully, this thought process can remain in the land of conjecture for all eternity.