Five Months

Twenty weeks. One hundred and forty days. I may end up getting pregnant as early as that. On the other hand, it could be many more months, years, or never. I have no way of knowing from here. No way of planning, no preparations, no checklist. Either we will conceive a child this summer or we won't. Without any shred of biological evidence one way or the other, I can only put our odds at 50/50. Though statistics seem to suggest its more like 80/20...

I should be enjoying what's left of my childless life. But, it still feels like a big assumption. If it all happens according to my fragile plans, I will be awestruck. In some ways, I feel like I've waited for it all my life. Surely, it can't be just that easy.

The unknowing of it all is the heaviest part for me. It seems silly, when many others would happily trade their own certain trials for my 50/50. But, I have always known that I am infinitely adaptable. I can take whatever is thrown, I just want to know what it is.

In the mean time, there are some things I know will probably be difficult for me should all go as planned:

- I already have a small and active bladder. How will I cope with a fetus using it for a trampoline?
- I already have lower back pain of an occasionally severe variety, how will I survive?
- Will I become an impossible mate with pregnancy hormones and without my usual friends, caffeine and alcohol?

I know some things I can do now. I can be physically active, and achieve my ultimate goal of walk/jogging our annual 12k run. I can eat whole and healthy foods, and limit my intake of toxins and pollutants. I can educate myself (with Google's help of course). I can be a dedicated employee. I can be a kind and loving spouse.

And maybe, this time next year, I can have so much to do it will make my head spin. :)