Can has friendz?

I'm going to the compost fair tomorrow - alone. I have no friends. Well, I have friends, but those who share my interests have no time and those have have time do not share my interests. Admittedly, it takes a special kind of gal to get excited about decaying matter and worm castings.

The fact that I don't seem to have much of a village has started to bug me lately. DH could not care less. If a highly selective pathogen wiped every soul off of the planet aside from himself and I, I'm not sure he'd care. He might miss the people at the fast food windows though...

I, on the other hand, am a strange kind of closet extrovert. I love to be social, but usually someone has to invite me out. It takes a lot for me to gear up the will to ask someone to do something with me, and lately, when I've done so, it just hasn't panned out. Bummer.

I thought about joining the local UU church, or getting more involved in politics, or... *shrug* Surely there's a social network out there somewhere IRL with my name on it. But, I have yet to find it. I'm willing to give of myself, and be supportive to others, and not even ask much but the opportunity for companionship. Surely some group out there wants me?

So, what does that have to do with the subject matter at the top of this blog? I'm thinking mommyhood might just be the ticket. From the outside, it seems to me that women with similar aged kids have an instant interest in common, an automagical camaraderie. Maybe that's why I've spent so much time surfing infertility blogs. Though I can't know what it is like to be them in any way, I feel a kinship with their desire to be a mother. Maybe, just maybe, motherhood will be my ticket to membership. Prenatal yoga? Parenting classes? Due date clubs? Is that where my social circle will be found?

When?

Well, I spilled the beans today. I let my mother and some extended family members know *exactly* when we would start trying to build our family.

It was at my Mom's 50th birthday party. It was quite an affair, my dad planned it quite nicely. Anyway, I don't know exactly why my womb became such a topic for discussion. Is it just because everyone knows Mom would love to be a grandma? Is it because we've been married for nearly nine years? I don't know, but I eventually said in a straightforward fashion that we'd be pulling the goalie this summer.

I mind far less than I thought I would. I actually think I'll be (if all goes as planned) one of those pregnant women who loves the attention. My only concern is the pressure and having to explain to people if/when/how it doesn't happen as planned. If all goes well, then its not a concern at all!

So, here's to hoping that all things proceed as hoped and (now) announced.

The Fever

I've been on the fringes of baby fever for nearly a year. This was when I learned that we had the resources to start our family a little sooner than we had expected. But, I told myself I wasn't going overboard. I'm not shopping for baby things. I didn't look at every baby on the street. I'm not always thinking about it. It isn't slipping into conversation with coworkers.

Well, I've hit the tipping point. I had a dream last night I was in an establishment that I'd heard advertised on Rick Steve's Europe. It looked extremely slummy, there were gang bangers outside, everything seemed dirty. But, they were supposed to be good. They did an ultrasound(?) that happened to be full color 3D. The gruesome blood and guts I was able to see didn't seem to matter because the fetus was there. It looked like a fully formed baby, just of smaller stature. It had tons of space to move around, and it spread its legs to give the onlookers a full view. There were many people in the room, old once-friends, my parents, and of course DH. We all knew at once that she was a girl.

I remember someone in the room was upset, and I was vaguely aware of an imagined disagreement between DH and I over the name. But, none of that mattered, I was tearfully joyful.

In addition to this dream... most everything I wasn't doing, that wasn't happening, in the first paragraph of this post... is now commonplace. I am a sappy supplicant to this fever!

levonorgestrel ticker tape

I'm on my last set of pills (91 day regimen), yay! Now I have a nifty little counter to tell me how many days remain until I'm free of anti-fertility hormones.

I just finished reading Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food. It rocks hard. The first half was a little dry, because it explains how and why our existing Western food supply has become so crappy. The second part contained rules for healthy eating which include: Eat food, not too much, mostly plants. I hope to stop buying the majority of our food from the local Safeway at some point. May is my detox month, so between now and then I'll either subscribe to a CSA type thingie, become a regular at the Farmer's Market, or visit our local Whole Foods lookalike. Perhaps all of the above.

I could be doing better with the physical fitness regimen. I adored working my tooshie off in the yard Thursday and Friday, but then the weather turned crappy and some virus or bacterium decided to have a family reunion in my throat. I've been a little lightheaded and dizzy too. Let's just say my typing accuracy is not all that at the moment. It's been nearly an entire year since I had an illness worth writing about. Meh.

I'll close with these thoughts on parenting, as I hope to apply them to my own life. I'm not about to advise others.

1. Natural consequences trump corporal punishment. Discipline exists partly to teach kids how the real world works. In the real world, if you are speeding you get fined. If it keeps up you lose the privilege of driving. The cop doesn't pull you out of your car and spank you.

2. Sex positive. My child, male or female, WILL have sex one day when he/she comes of age and can make that choice. I can accept this, unlike my own mother (fodder for a whole entire post).

3. We write our own narratives. The Secret is BS. Its the same thing I've known about life for some time. You get from the world what you put into it. It's no big secret.

4. Knowledge is power, guided and limitless access to knowledge is the best policy. We're not going to filter our child's internet access, though we will have rules about how and when our child communicates with strangers (not a subject that is unique to the internet). You don't teach your child that streets are dangerous things never to be crossed. You teach them to look both ways, because you won't always be there to hold their hand. The Internet should be the same way.

The end, for now.