Muddled Thoughts on 3rd Cycle

It is light years too early to fret, intellectually this is pretty darned obvious. However, I feel a bit discouraged that the universe, biology, etc has not already succumbed to the exact letter of my long-conceived plans. Perhaps I have been spoiled. Over the past decade, my planning and competence has typically been rewarded with met goals. Why should this be any different?

Part of me wants to redouble my efforts. Another part wants to just forget about it and let things happen. Although, in my experience, an extreme path is rarely the right one. I have spent quite a bit of time absorbing and processing information from outside sources. It is time to do something different. Perhaps I'll quiet these external voices and take some time to surround myself with positive energy. Then, I will intuit the right path (which may or may not include advice from the afore-mentioned external sources). My intuition suggests that it is the right thing to do.

CD1

I started spotting yesterday, it was quite the surprise. Crampiness followed. All indications were that AF was making an apperance, but I kept the info to myself. I did not divulge it to DH or even unto fertility friend, as if by not charting it I could make it less real. Alas, the onward march of biology would not be denied. Needless to say I stopped off at the liquor store on the way home (I always love how they analyze my ID, I can always see the gears turning... "No way is this girl 30").

Thoughts of TTC and fertility were replaced by thoughts of rum and coke as I completed the drive home. I waltzed up to the mailbox, fantasizing about making DH my personal bartender, and removed the offensive orange envelope. A Gerber Life Insurance Company was offering me a "Free Personalized Certificate of Welcome for Your Child." *slaps forehead*

I've received these stupid offers before, but they never irked me until today. If only I had a fireplace in which to give it a proper send off...

POAS Pansy?

This is the start of a very busy week at work. Tomorrow will be the only day I come home on time. So, I had a lot on my mind this morning. Also, my temp dipped, not much, but enough. So, I haven't tested today and it isn't looking like I will tonight or tomorrow. But, stranger things have happened.

In my getting-to-know-me vein...

Some things I hope to do someday (aside from motherhood...):
=================================== <---lazy divider here)
Visit another country (besides Canada, I could drive there in a few hours)
Go whale watching
See a shuttle (or whatever they build next) launch
Visit DC (the /other/ Washington)
See a lava flow

Three Contradictions About Me

I was tagged by To A T for a meme I did already, but I like being tagged! So, I decided to make up my own meme instead of repeating it. :)

Three Contradictions About Me

1. I work in education, but am not a teacher. Instead I work in IT and Special Ed technologies. My official title is pretty worthless in describing what I do. I manage databases, data, compliance, and forms. I help people use technology. I problem solve with teachers and therapists in providing accommodations needed by students with disabilities. On a rare occasion, I will have the chance to work with a student in person.

2. I am a techno geek, but I can relate. I try to speak to people at their level, wherever that may be. I can help someone learn left-click vs right-click without losing my patience. I try to encourage people to take one step beyond what they know, instead of berating them for what they don't know.

3. I love love love animals but am horrendously allergic to just about all of them. Our only pet is a brine shrimp in an ecosphere. I love horses, but can't be around them unmedicated. I want a dog someday, but I'm afraid it will never happen. DH loves cats, and they are the worst. I have to check and see if someone has pets before I can go to their house. Even then, I sat next to someone with a cat-hairy sweater at a party where there were NO pets... and I had to leave early because of wheezing, sneezing, etc. TTC has made it worse because I can't take my favorite meds. :( I was at my brother's house the other night, and we had to hang outside or in his garage because he has a cat. I'm afraid people think it's all in my head. :(

Do you have any contradictions?

Welcome ICLWers

Welcome to everyone from ICLW, I feel hugged! :) I should actually take this opportunity to post something, yes?

TTC related: My temps this cycle are higher than my prior 2 cycles on record. So, that makes me feel dangerously giddy. But, I'm not one to temper my highs for fear of the lows. So, here goes! I also tend to test at the ridiculously early timeframe of 10 DPO. They are cheap, and it is still early enough in our efforts that I haven't felt too beaten down by negatives.

Werk related: Thank goodness werk (I spell it like it sounds) has been keeping me busy. Its a good day when I'm so preoccupied I don't even enter my temp into the chart until after I come home and unwind. I'm teaching 1 class next week, and co-teaching 5 others. This weekend will be busy, I have one Power Point to finish, and Power Point plus training materials for my Monday class. Eeep!

Whinge of the day: I called someone today to ask for information, but a stinging frog leapt into my throat. With no drinkables in arm's reach, I began coughing and hacking, trying desperately not to do it into the receiver. I croaked a pathetic, "Excuse me" and then asked my question. Like the secretary had nothing better to do than to hear the inner secrets of my vocal/respiratory sanctum...

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Test

Physical complaints of minor consequence

My stomach has felt "off" for the past several days and nothing sounds appetizing. I don't know why... Not IPS... I have not even ovulated yet. I hope I do soon though, we are trying to "try" a bit less frequently this cycle and the natives are getting restless.

On top of that stress, this was my first day back to work after my summer break. I went in bright and early, on ~3 hours of sleep. I have an angry red welt on the back of my left thigh, thanks to a yellow jacket sting 3 days ago. It itches like MAD! I tossed and turned all night, alternating ice pack, baking soda paste, and hydrocortisone. I had also taken a benadryl. None of the above helped for more than 30 seconds. I procured some benadryl cream today which seems to be working better.

I know there are a great many people that would happily trade their worries for these. So, I'm going to distract myself with a book and be very thankful that BD starts tomorrow!

Tagged: Sad Songs

Thanks much to Ophelia for the tag!

This one is songs that make us cry. Now, I don't typically get teary over songs, except for certain emo times when just about any song will make me cry. :) I'm more likely to have NPR news on than music most days. But, there are a couple of tunes that have a melancholy emotion attached:

Good Friend by Nine Days
The lyrics pretty much explain it all. Several years ago I had to part ways entirely with a good friend, and while it was the best and right thing to do, I'll never forget.

Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
I'm not a typical Linkin Park fan, I was really shocked to find out who made this song because I loved it (in a very sad way) when I first heard it. This song just speaks to me of inescapable mortality. It's a subject I know I haven't entirely dealt with. I hope I have a lifetime to figure it out.

Non TTC Post

Things I wish I was better at...

Knitting (never left potholder territory)
Saying No
Gardening (my thumb is greening, slowly)
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc
Delegating
Acknowledging and asking for that which I need
Being decisive (I second-guess myself constantly)
Dental hygiene (my flossing habits are hit and miss)
Cooking healthy meals (trying to move that meat into side-dish land)

Last but not least...

Relaxing (I'm always thinking of things I should be doing or improving)

CD4 Timelines, Control

Yesterday I was talking to my mom on the phone, she said my aunt asked if I was pregnant. My mom said I wasn't. Then my Aunt mentioned that I was missing my "window". What window is this? The window of my mother's birthday in April. I mentioned at my mom's 50th birthday party that I could make her a grandma for her next birthday. But, it looks like it will be a little late now.

That's fine, that was the *earliest* possible timing that worked for work. But, May is actually better.

I'm trying to relax, but it isn't easy. Part of me is going slightly nuts because I have so little control. One minute I feel edgy because DH wants to have food fried in trans fat (yes, he is specific about wanting the "bad oil") for dinner this week. The next minute, I'm all "Who cares!" and "Yes, I'd like another glass of wine." Then, I'm worried about my low BMI, and concerned that I had a light early dinner. I make plans to consume more full fat dairy. I wish my brain would just lay off.

Part of the problem is, I don't have much else to occupy my time at the moment. Reading, the internet, video/computer games, gardening, time with DH. I bet the situation will improve muchly when I go back to work. Speaking of which, I'm going to go back in early to finish my project. Monday I'll have somewhere to go each day, and I'll be much less intense about everything. At least, that's the plan.