Seed Sharing

I have created my seed inventory spreadsheet!  It may seem obsessive but it will help me plant on time, and assist in deciding what seeds to buy for the coming year. 

The spreadsheet is on Google Docs, so I can share it with you! If you are interested in any of the seeds I'm happy to share as long as my listed quantity is more than "handful".  By handful, I mean 12 seeds or less, so I probably can't part with those.

Carbon's Seed Inventory

I still have about half of my seeds left to enter, so that's why tomatoes aren't on the list yet. :)

In Retrospect

A helpful thought that has come me lately is this: I can only get pregnant in restrospect.  

Getting me pregnant is not something we can do in the present or future tense. It isn't something I can plan, or schedule, or even wish into being. It is only after I have been there for a while, the biological cogs gently turning at their own pace, that slowly the realization comes.  Then, only then, can I look back and say we conceived!

But, from here, there is no way to bring it into being. There is no thought or action that has any bearing whatsoever. It only happens in retrospect.

In retrospect, 2008 was an impatient year. There were certain ups and downs, certain victories, a few quagmires. But, an undercurrent of impatience punctuated all of it.  I hope to live more in the present in 2009.

Foiled by Dreams

Here I am with firm intentions and well-laid plans to NOT think about TTC stuff this cycle.  Yet, for the past two nights I have been dreaming about babies...  other people's babies.  

I can't remember the one from night before last, but last night... oh man... Somehow I agreed to volunteer to work at an infant daycare. It involved lots of holding and feeding babies of the extremely cute variety.  I woke up this morning full of that empty feeling of wanting to be a mother.  Its time to regroup, and sign up for that yoga/pilates class.

It is also time to honor my family's post-Christmas tradition.  My grandmother firmly believed it was bad luck to let your Christmas decorations see the New Year.  My mom is going to be extra vigilant about it this year. Last year she was not so vigilant.  The annual total amounts to a broken foot from a falling television, and a totalled car after an encounter with a negligently-driven semi truck.  She has since recovered, with a nice newer 4wd vehicle.  But, hesitates to invite any catastrophes for 2009.

Merry Day

To all who wander this way, whether it is your first and only visit or one of many, please accept your greeting of choice. :)

Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays

etc.

In otherwords, I hope you have an awesome sort of day, and I hope it is just as special or ordinary as you would like it to be.

We do presents and traditional strawberry waffles at Mom & Dad's.  That is, after we excavate our car from the latest round of snow.  Our totals are in the 3 foot range now!

Intentions for Cycle 7

My intentions are thus:  

Drink lots of green tea.

Imbibe until New Years (not constantly, but no deprivation either)

If my next cycle hasn't started by then, test on January 25th~ish

That's it.

I'm trying to stay away from constant fertility information and comiseration. I moved my shortcut to the forums so my visits have been rare.  I still find myself reading my favorite blogs because I feel somewhat invested in the outcomes, as invested as one can get through characters on a computer screen.  I think I'm going to drop out of the TTC livejournal group I recently joined.  I have little connection there.

The energy I have placed upon hunting for information, and trading impatient sentiments, I hope to redirect toward something more immediately fulfilling and constructive, like...

My programming project for work - I have a big helping of "I don't wanna" when it comes to this.  Yet, if I can just get going on it, I will become immersed, and the outcome is very important.  I need to have it 95% done by January 5th.

Getting a FileMaker certification. 

Learning more tunes on my keyboard.

Exercising (Wii Yoga or my beginning pilates routine if nothing else)

Writing (finishing my NaNo from 2005)

If productive pursuits seem like the bane of my existance, I can always turn my attention to games.  On the Wii I could finish Zelda or MarioKart or play more Sims Pets.  On the DS, I have one game I'm in the middle of and two others to start. On the computer, I can ALWAYS play more CivIV.

I really need a new book to read...  I don't want to buy the next Twilight book, as a coworker said she'd lend it to me after break.  Yet, I don't really have anything else to read between now and then.  Maybe I'll pick up the China Study or other nonfiction used from Amazon or something. 

The point of this post: I have plenty to do in terms of entertainment or productivity that has nothing to do with TTC.  So, I'm trying not to go there as much as possible.

14 inches on a small car

Waffling

I keep waffling between going back to the relax method and redoubling my/our efforts.

True, I just got done throwing some money at the internets for some boxers for DH. But, I'm not sure I want to move over to the trying for 6+ months forum. I'm not sure I want to keep temping and charting. I don't even think it matters because we BD regularly enough as it is.

I still haven't responded to my friend's pregnancy announcement. Sigh. I think I'll go do that when I'm done with this note.

I emailed a yoga instructor in town, I really like the newbie program on their web site. It starts in early January though, so I wanted to ask if there was still space available. No response just yet.

Last night I played Sims2 Pets for a while. It was an okay distraction. We always have video games to play, but I just don't feel very interested. I guess I'd love a good book, but I don't have any at hand...

I feel in a bit of a rut since we're partly snowed in, and likely to get even more snowed in tomorrow. I was going to convince DH to come to work with me so I can get my laptop. I would hate to get stuck in our tiny car. With my work laptop maybe I can get the huge mega programming project done that has gotten pushed back over 2 years....

Nevermind ~ seeds

AF is here. I really need a hobby. Maybe yoga. For tonight it will be wine.

Gardening is my primary hobby of course. But, you can't do much about it in the winter besides stare at garden prOn (otherwise known as seed catalogs). I love gardening, To a T asked what I do with all of my seeds. My answer is, plant them. Or, imagine that I will plant them anyway.

My "garden" consists of the following:

Edibles:
A 3x5ft raised bed in which I grow salad veggies.
A 6ft row along the fence that I have used for tomatoes.
A 8ft row along another fence that I have used for peas and cucumbers).
A 6x6ft patch near the back fence that is too overrun with earwigs to do much with. Three attempts at corn have failed....
I also have patches/hills for raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries. But, they don't require seeding.

Flowers:
I have two flower beds out front beyond the fence, flower beds along the front fence, two flower beds beneath the aspen trees, one flower bed along the side of the house, and a big flower bed out back.

Each year I have a few successes and several failures. Despite all of the garden/flower beds listed, I have a SMALL yard! I also don't tend to it as much as I should. So, I've been trying to fill each flower bed with low maintenance plants to cut back on weeding duty.

So, with flower seed I love collecting and spreading that which does best all on its own. I can spread a handful of calendula seed or snapdragon seed and it just takes off next spring, crowding out anything I don't want there. There is something magical about cracking open a snapdragon pod and collecting all of the "snapdragon eggs" as DH once called them. :)

With veggie seed, its more of an organic gardening / preservation / survival / romantic streak. I have romantic notions of the failure of modern infrastructure causing us to take all of my seeds out into the country somewhere and carving out a living. Of course, I don't really know much about living off of the land. We'd likely starve to death over the first winter, but it sounds cool somehow.

Overall, I guess you could say I like buying, collecting, saving, (and sometimes planting) large varieties of seeds like some women collect shoes. Only, its much easier on the budget. :)

A Secret...

I've been afraid to write this because I don't know what to believe and I don't want to jinx anything...

I'm on CD 34, 14 DPO, my usual LP length is 11-12 days my longest cycle was 31 days. I've been spotting lightly (brown/gray only) for the past 4 days including today. For the past couple of days I've had intermittent cramps/discomfort/stabbing pains on the right side ONLY. No other symptoms. My temp nosedived this AM, but still no sign of the real AF. My temps, CM, and OPKs and post-O nipple soreness are all telling me I ovulated on CD 20 without a doubt. We also BD'd at the right times. But, now I'm quite confused.

I had a BFN yesterday morning on an internet cheapie. I'm out of tests, so we're going to Walgreens. I will probably test again tomorrow AM.

Tagged - 7 Random Things

I was tagged by To A T! Thanks for the tag T! :)

So, here are some random things...

1. I collect small containers for saving seeds in. I have altoids containers, spice containers, little make-up jars, pill bottles, tiny ziplock bags, etc. I would have to say my favorites for small seeds are the little plastic SD card holders. I probably have enough containers to last the rest of my life! Yet, it is still hard to toss out any potential candidates.

2. IMNSHO, The Flight of the Hamsters game is THE BEST single-click game ever. If you want to waste time, CLICKY. My top single flight is around 600, DH's is over 1000! The secret: try to stay level, and avoid big bounces.

3. I have a soap phobia. Anything that is washed MUST be rinsed THOROUGHLY or else it will make me feel ill. When I was little hearing threats toward my cousins of having their mouths washed out with soap seemed to me a fate worse than death. Even when I was older, it took me a while before I was willing to wash cuts with soap and water. It was peroxide or nothin! I've relaxed a bit over the years.

4. I <3 soup. Seriously, I could eat soup every single day. That is the one bright spot of these bitterly cold temps we've been having. Its superb soup weather! Minestrone is my favorite, but I enjoy all kinds. I never met a soup I didn't like. OTOH, DH doesn't like soup at all. So, I eat it for lunch at work every day. :)

5. I finally switched us over from using paper towels as napkins, to using real napkins! It makes me feel less wasteful, and I enjoy using them more anyway.

6. I received a very nice very thankful email from a parent the other day. She'd been struggling to get some assistive technology going in the classroom for her child, and she was very appreciative of my efforts to move things along. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. :)

7. I recently learned that an old friend is pregnant, and quite far along. I'm trying to process it in a graceful manner. AF is due any minute, and has threatened with some spotting. My temps are still up, which amounts to a sliver of hope. But... it would be so much easier if... I even had brief visions of us reconnecting over the subject of motherhood.

Anyone I might even think of tagging has already been tagged. So, I tag anyone who has felt left out, or read a list of tagged bloggers hoping to see their name and coming up empty.

Patience

Today I find myself in need of quotations and affirmations on patience. So, I looked some up.

http://www.coping.org/growth/patient.htm
http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/patience/
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/patience/

That helped, I think. Next I would like to do something positive and peaceful. Maybe with DH, but if not, then perhaps Yoga or some low-key gaming.

Present and O-counted for

I landed my darkest line ever on an OPK, complete with twinges in the appropriate region on my right side. It's all in the hands of the Universe now! I'm feeling pretty happy.

I'm temping again, with a fair amount of regularity. I suspect a temp spike tomorrow morning.

My back has been tweaked :( For reasons I cannot fathom, DH is philosophically/ideologically opposed to chiropractors. He said he'll be more active with me if I can avoid going to a chiropractor. So, maybe I will make use of that and we'll go for walks more often. We don't live in the most walkable neighborhood, but there is a state park 20 minutes away. I have grand visions of us cross-country skiing, or some such. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. :)

Mario Kart Wii is a great passtime, and while it seems to boost the heartrate on occasion, it doesn't count as exercise!

I still live

Here I am, alive! I guess there hasn't been much news on the TTC front. Mostly, I have had some extremely busy weeks at home and at werk. We had a federal funding period to get ready for, but now that has blown over I'm much less stressed.

Its just in time for O and BD. I'm not sure I've O'd just yet, my temps are still lowish but I've gotten progressively darker lines on the OPK. If I had to guess, I'm O'ing nowish and my temp will spike tomorrow morn.

I'm crossing my crossables and feeling various shades of hopeful. I'm also piloting extreme quantities of hamsters through the air. I'm addicted, my longest flight was over 300 feet. http://www.digyourowngrave.com/flight-of-the-hamsters/

I'm about halfway through Wicked. I was expecting something a bit more congruous with the Wizard of Oz. The adult content threw me at first. Once I wrapped my brain around Wicked on its own merits I've been enjoying it much more.

The weight of the wait

So, the title says it all. The waiting game begins anew. I am waiting for my OPKs and probe covers to arrive. The words "probe cover" sound so... sordid. It brings to mind things either anal or alien, and neither one sound like something I'd willingly buy and bring into my home. But, the probe covers are coming, nonetheless.

I'm in pretty good spirits, I've put my Wii gym to work twice this week after months of stasis. Wii Fit Yoga is doing my lower back quite a bit of good, maybe I won't need to see a chiropractor after all. In addition, Wii DDR is actually quite fun. It makes me feel like I'm dancing, but with helpful arrows to keep me from tripping over my own feet.

I have ONE beef with my virtual gym. If I could change just one thing it would be adding some sort of continuous mode. :( Neither the Wii Fit, nor Wii DDR has a continuous mode where you can go from activity to activity (poses in the case of yoga, or songs in the case of DDR) without the system stopping and giving you a grade. It gets annoying. Maybe someday when I feel confident enough with the Yoga poses I'll just do them on my own and flow from one to the next. No such solution for DDR...

Oh well, I paid enough for my Wii gym, I think I'll just get over it. :)

CD1

AF is here with a vengeance (meaning, with cramps). Because my cycle has been less than regular the last 2 months, I'm going to start temping again. I'll probably buy more OPKs too.

Before I start temping, I need to buy some of those sleeves for my BBT. Washing it daily is a pain, not washing it daily is icky... Only, I can't remember what they are called or where I saw them last. I know they don't have them at the same online locale where I buy the OPKs. Though, I don't understand why they wouldn't sell them!

I think I'll also see a chiropractor for my lower back issues. I read an article somewhere that mentioned back issues and TTC. The chiropractor at the benefits fair gave me a brief prodding and said I really need help (big surprise). I liked her "backside" manner, so I think I'll schedule an appointment. I also asked around at the benefits fair about ART. None of the plans available to me would cover ART, so I really hope it isn't needed.

I'm bummed. Not tearfully bummed yet, but acting like a whiny 12yr old. DH encourages patience. I'm anxious for the chocolate chip walnut coconut cookies to be cool enough to eat.

Not promising

I tested after work yesterday, BFN. TMI: I had started spotting yesterday, but it was extremely light. Now, it is more than spotting, still brown though. I may test again tomorrow morning if I don't have an obvious CD1 on my hands. Part of me would like to watch football tomorrow in an inebriated fashion.

So, this past cycle was my cycle of not paying attention. Part of me wants to go full bore next cycle (temp, chart, opk, drinking teas, seeing chiropractor, doing yoga, food/drink nazi, mucinex). DH thinks I should continue the laissez-faire method: "What? We're TTC? I thought we were just having an active sex life..."

I have been so hopeful, positive energy seems to have been with me lately on many fronts. I guess I'm not out yet, but I can't help but think of next round.

Can Has Letters!

I have been putting it off in the back of my mind... the results of my RE.5NA exam. They said it could be 6 weeks, and I almost hoped it would be even longer. But, it wasn't. The envelope in my box this morning was white and large. I couldn't remember if large was good or bad. So, I took it quietly toward my office to read it in peace, only I didn't get quite that far. The hall was empty of onlookers. Seemingly of their own volition, my anxious fingers broke the seal.

I slid some papers from the envelope. A few words flashed in front of my eyes, "pleased to inform..." Wait, they wouldn't be pleased if I'd failed right? My gaze skipped further down the page, "Congratulations!"

As the reality settled in, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I'd been shoving my fear of the results to the back of my mind for weeks, only to have my mind wander and wish I could take back some of the answers I'd given. But, that's all over now!

Bring on persons with various impairments (especially those seeking computer access and educational assistance), I am now an ATP (Assi.stive Techn.o1ogy Professona1)!

There is an odd thing on my certificate. It says I'm an ATP effective until October 13, 20099. Does that mean I don't have to re-up my certification next year? :p

Synchronicity

I chose to read the old book that has been on my shelf for years (haven't started Wicked yet). I used to belong to the Sci-Fi & Fantasy Book Club. It started when I was about 16, and books were one of my indulgences with money from my first job. I loved the fantasy novels. I was also a sucker for the grab bags they sent over the years to entice me to come back to membership.

One of these grab bags contained Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. I'm actually enjoying it. Its just under 600 pages with a small typeface, a good solid read. I'm nearly halfway through.

But, something interesting happened after I had read but a chapter of the book that sat on my shelf for a half dozen years. I was flipping TV stations when I noticed a televised fantasy movie, and heard some familiar words. Sure enough, it was a broadcast of the book I had just started reading. I watched a little, just enough to be certain, just enough to take note of some of the differences between the plot of the book and the screenplay. I didn't spoil anything.

But, it just kinda struck me. If I had seen that movie on TV but a week ago it would have no meaning for me. Yet, since I had begun reading the book it did.

I love catching moments of synchronicity in my life. They make me appreciate the wonder and mysticism of the universe. Like, being introduced to a new word or concept and seeing it come up later the same day (sometimes more than once). These things are in no way related causally. Perhaps that initial exposure just makes us more attuned to seeing them later. But, it tickles the spirit in some way that I can't help but appreciate.

CD27, average cycle length has been 27-29. Last cycle was 21 days due to vacation issues. No sign of AF yet, and I did not get post-O nipple agony. I haven't been charting or using OPKs, so who knows if O occurred. I'm just chilling out about it for now. If needed I'll test Friday. I suppose my mood could be considered cautiously hopeful.

1WW

And what a slow wait it is. It feels like its been a month already but alas it has only been a week. We're going with "the more the merrier" strategy on BD. We'll see how far it gets us.

I really wanted a new car by now. I've been looking at a Honda Fit for ages (small practical hatchback). But, we are waiting to see if car funds need to be rerouted to help with baby making. :/ On the bright side, at this rate Honda will have its new Insight hybrid out by the time we're ready to buy. Its supposed to be under $20K. When we bought our Aspire, we said our next car would be an alternative fuel vehicle. Unfortunately green options have not become as available or economical as we'd hoped.

In the mean time, I put my foot down on the subject of snow tires. If I'm going to have to drive our old beloved again this winter I want to be safe.

I just found out today that a coworker of mine is reading Twilight and needs the second book! :D I will lend it to her then we will have something to chat about besides our political differences. :p

I guess that means I should pick up the 3rd book while I still have some B&N gift card $$.

Happy Weekend to all!

Annual Distraction

Each Autumn I endeavor to create an ever more time consuming and elaborate pumpkin carv-, er, sculpture.  This year was no different.

Techniques and tools: 

A cartoon image borrowed from the internet

An exacto knife

Seven hours of my life!

The results:

Not much really

Back to the grind, a week off will really cause the requests to stack up. 

I've started playing my Yoga "game" on the DS. I also found a series of yoga for back pain videos online. I've quickly figured out that backward-bending positions are not for me. My lower back has always had issues, since I worked on my feet all day as a cashier for 3 years. I love when DH picks me up and my spine can hang and stretch. So, maybe some specialized regimes will help me out.

Other than that, I'm not dong anything special this cycle. No temps, no opks, no avoiding alcohol (until next week when I might O), no caffeine ban (though I've given up the hard stuff - coffee).

I'm not reading anything. I can't decide whether to buy & read the next Twilight book, finish a fantasy book that has been sitting on my shelf for years - I have read the first 10ish pages - or read Wicked which I bought for the trip but didn't get to. Hmmms.

Bump in the road

I'm back. It was a great conference, though I won't know if I passed my exam for 6 weeks. I'm really happy to be home.  Though I must report that the motherhood effort has hit a minor snag.

The attempt at procreation didn't happen before I left. But, I'm not sure it matters since AF showed on Thursday - a whole week early. It was annoying to have to buy overpriced uncomfortable hygeine products from the hotel gift shop, but oh well.That puts my last cycle at 21 days... I have no clue what's up with that.  Correction, either marital stress, travel, or changes in vitamin consumption are most likely at fault.

I would guess that I didn't ovulate. If I did ovulate on time that would put my LP at 6 days.  I'm used to 11 or 12, so that can't be right. I have no reason to think I ovulated early.  So, I'm going to chalk this one up to an annovulatory cycle due to stress/travel!

At least the next cycle gets to start earlier than expected. :)

Effort

There are a few things that are going to require my effort over the next couple of days.  

The one most relevant to this blog...  is getting DH interested in making us parents.  DH has been under some stress lately, and he just hasn't been interested.  I have some enticement in mind, I hope it is effective. The tried and true methods have not been very successful. 

The other is studying a 4 inch high stack of flash cards. I need to answer a 200 question multiple choice test that is geared toward people with masters degrees that I do not have. But, I have years of experience in the field, and my trusty flash cards to study every waking moment between now and Monday morning. I think I can squeak out a pass if I can keep my test anxiety in check.

Lastly is packing for this trip, and cooking some food DH can reheat in my absence. I don't have to make delicious meals before I leave, but I want to.

If I can get through all of the above... I have two books and two DS games waiting to reward me.  The former are New Moon and Wicked. The latter are FF Revenant Wings and a Yoga training game. Wicked and Yoga were impulse buys, a rare thing for a girl who grew up without much money. But, I'll have a week of evenings to fill.  

Of course, I'll have my werk laptop and the internet. The hotel actually charges for net access. In every hotel I've been to in the past it was a free perk.  Oh well, werk is definitely picking up the tab on that one.

Okay, back to studying.

Twilight, Relax Method

Twilight was fun. Fun enough and entertaining enough that I will grab the next one before my trip to MN next weekend.  It isn't my typical genre, I prefer more medieval style fantasy.  But it was tough to put down in a few spots. I can really relate to Bella, especially on the clumsiness factor! 

On the TTC front, I'm doing good at forgetting about it for the most part. I was a happy healthy person before TTC, so why should I have to change everything? I drink sodas, mostly diet but sometimes not. I don't always get the recommended daily alotment of vegetables. I do not exercise. But, I don't care.  No one ever prescribes the above as forms of birth control, and I have no reason to think there are any extra issues.  So, I'm TTCing this cycle as Me not Supermom.

Pretty much the only thing I'm going to do is make sure we BD before my trip!

Regularly scheduled reality

If I knew what I know now, I would've ditched the pill 4 months earlier. But, if I had I'd probably get pregnant straight away, so its a silly train of thought.

I know its nothing really, 80% conceive within the first year, 20% chance each cycle, etc. Though when DH said I might hit my window, just one year later than expected, I wanted to say uncharitable things to him.  Originally I wanted to be a mom before 30. We got to a late start, so I figured if I gave birth while still 30 that would work. That won't happen now.  Hmf.

I just usually have a plan and some action I can take to get where I'd like to go. Not so now.  In fact, maybe changing my routines, my diet, etc. may be doing more harm than good.  Or, maybe none of it matters one way or the other.  Who knows!  I'm just going to forget about it until the 2ww. We BD quite enough so I really have nothing to worry about in the timing department.

The saving grace is I have plenty of other things to occupy my time. Work, preparing for conference, preparing for certification exam, a slew of fall yard work which will likely go undone again this year, Mario Kart Wii, and Twilight. I've been reading it each twilight, and its good thus far. I like fantasy and sci-fi, though I'm a little skeptical of the well-worn theme that has come up.  I'll reserve judgment though. :)

Knock, Knock. Who's there? AF?

AF is showing some serious signs.  I suspect tomorrow will be CD 1. C'est la vie. At least I have another absolutely regular cycle under my belt, and can pick up a bottle of red on my way home from work.

I re-did the math and it looks like I will O right before I travel to the conference for a week.  Whew!  Part of me is really looking forward to the conference, another part feels like I have way too much to do yet!  Luckily it is a 3 day weekend just before the conference.

I've been writing in my journal about why I'm physically/mentally/spiritually worthy of motherhood. I think I'll continue that. DH also suggested that this be a science-free cycle. I'm tempted to take some additional supplements, try mucinex or other EWCM enhancers.  But, I can always do that the cycle after if need be.  I'm going to be rather much too busy to bother with all of the measuring and monitoring anyway.

This cycle would put me delivering in July, which would coincide exactly with my short summer break. I was hoping for earlier, to tack additional time onto my break.  But, in the grand scheme it is still within my "window".

Bad Blogger

BFN on Sunday, and today just for good measure.  That probably explains (but not excuses) the lack of postage...  Either AF will come in a couple of days, or I O'd late and it will come later, or I'm pregnant.  Who knows?! In the mean time, being alive seems to make my nipples sore. 

I'm just trying to feel hopeful and going about my business.  Today was a typical crazy work day, but I think its coming under control. I did enjoy a relaxing weekend that included dinner at Outback. I had bacon-wrapped steak with shrimp and scallops over wild rice with a side of asparagus.  I ate the whole thing. :)  I really like ordering things DH isn't crazy about when we go out to eat, which means both seafood and asparagus.  

Yesterday I watched the awesome Seahawks game. It's about time we get one in the win column! I really enjoyed it, and I didn't know it at the time but during commercials I was working on a project for a coworker who was at the game.

Between eating out and football I've been jonesing for a some sort of fermented beverage. But, if the universe and I are on the same page I won't get to indulge for a loooooooong time.

I ordered a used copy of Twilight. I hope it comes soon, none of my book options here at home are very interesting.

Happy Friday!

I wish a wonderful weekend to whomever wanders by.

I'm still having the abdominal twinge IPS, with some bloating for good measure. Yesterday the nipple sensitivity started in. Now I'm doubting and wondering if maybe I didn't just O late because the nips always complain right after O. 

But, I didn't use more OPKs and I am not temping. So, who knows!

I will still test on Sunday, but my mindset has become a bit more cautious.

6DPO IPS

My way too early IPS at this time include:

1.  NO nipple sensitivity after O.  That is a first for me.

2.  Exhaustion despite decent sleeping habits.

3.  Pinching / Twinging sensations in my lower left abdominal area.

I was going to wait to post until 7DPO and call it the 1WW.  But, I'm just too hopeful to contain myself at this time. Could it be?  Yes, it must be. Because I said so.

If I can keep together some grain of sanity, I'll wait until Sunday to test.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early. ZzzZZzZzzzz

2WW

Word has gotten around that we are trying. There is an ongoing joke at work about how my boss is slipping birth control into the water. When asked, I've been saying, "I have no news on that subject."

Just today, the dreaded event happened. I received TTC advice from my mother (disguised as innocently passing along info from my aunt).  "A well-worn path grows no grass." Thanks. I reminded her gently that the internet provides all of the info I could possibly need on the subject and more. Besides, we abstained for 3 days before the positive OPK, and even under fatigue I think DH has enough swimmers to do the job.  It's all up to me.  My mom also tried to mention ovulation predictors. I said I was aware of them. 

In truth I don't really mind all that much. What I mind far more is waiting. I guess I can enjoy stringing everyone along in the mean time.  I *think* I had a positive OPK on Thursday and I had plenty of wet CF yesterday if I'm not mistaken. So, the wait begins.

I really really hope this is the cycle, because I might miss O next cycle due to a conference I'm going to for work.

Can Has Swimmers?

I saw them, with my own eyes (well, one eye at a time anyway). The scope is pretty cool, I don't regret buying it.  Since there were obvious active swimmers I didn't bother doing the full million/ml estimation, but it allows for it.  There is a grid on the lense that helps in counting.  My rough guestimate is about half of average, but that is with mucho fatigue.  So, I'm not all that concerned.

It was pretty interesting to watch them, and their personalities.  Some fast, some slow, some hyper, a few dead, a few simming in circles, and one with two heads (don't want that one).  A handful were still alive after a day, but no more.

The more I learn about human reproduction, the more etherial, mystical, and surreal it seems. How did *that* become the means of reproducing?  Its like a whole other micro society with its own rules its own motivations, and its own (exceedingly limited) lives and perspectives.  What makes them swim one way vs another? How do they know the egg when they see it? How many trillions have died without even getting close?

Thursday is O day, but I'm going to use an OPK tomorrow just in case.

Getting pregnant this cycle would be neat for the following rather trivial reason: I could stuff a pillow in my pants for halloween and call it good. I would be able to tell the whole office I'm pregnant with a single gesture. The more I think about it, the less hope I have of keeping a secret for 12 weeks.  Someone would catch me hurling in the bathroom and it would be all over.

I bought it...

I bought a (relatively) inexpensive semen analysis microscope. While I have no clear and present reason to think there's anything wrong with DH's swimmers, I'm a proactive kind of person.  I thrive on information.  I started four months ago by charting before we even started trying, to get a feel for my cycles sans the pill. Since everything seems okay with my cycles and ovulation (a little light on the CM, supplementing with preseed), the next step is the swimmers. I'm just feeling everything out, starting with the least invasive measures.

DH is a firm proponent of daily "activities", and we would like to know, for sure, if frequency is hurting our chances or not.  If the swimmers aren't where/how we would like them to be, we'd like to have an easy way to tell if lifestyle changes are having an impact (I realize some lifestyle changes can take months to produce results).  

I firmly believe in the ability to impact one's own reproductive health through lifestyle choices.  Of course, there are biological conditions to which this does not apply. Also, it can be taken to extremes and lead a person down the merry path to insanity.  That said, I think modern medicine thrives on pills and procedures while giving short shrift to lifestyle. Lifestyle is way cheaper than modern medicine (especially on our insurance), so if we need any help I figure we'll cover those bases first. 

There, now I feel firmly justified in my purchase. :)

I'm feeling positive about CD3 thus far.  I'm actually trying to pay attention to a part of my body I've spent the last 10 years oppressing.  It feels good. 

Muddled Thoughts on 3rd Cycle

It is light years too early to fret, intellectually this is pretty darned obvious. However, I feel a bit discouraged that the universe, biology, etc has not already succumbed to the exact letter of my long-conceived plans. Perhaps I have been spoiled. Over the past decade, my planning and competence has typically been rewarded with met goals. Why should this be any different?

Part of me wants to redouble my efforts. Another part wants to just forget about it and let things happen. Although, in my experience, an extreme path is rarely the right one. I have spent quite a bit of time absorbing and processing information from outside sources. It is time to do something different. Perhaps I'll quiet these external voices and take some time to surround myself with positive energy. Then, I will intuit the right path (which may or may not include advice from the afore-mentioned external sources). My intuition suggests that it is the right thing to do.

CD1

I started spotting yesterday, it was quite the surprise. Crampiness followed. All indications were that AF was making an apperance, but I kept the info to myself. I did not divulge it to DH or even unto fertility friend, as if by not charting it I could make it less real. Alas, the onward march of biology would not be denied. Needless to say I stopped off at the liquor store on the way home (I always love how they analyze my ID, I can always see the gears turning... "No way is this girl 30").

Thoughts of TTC and fertility were replaced by thoughts of rum and coke as I completed the drive home. I waltzed up to the mailbox, fantasizing about making DH my personal bartender, and removed the offensive orange envelope. A Gerber Life Insurance Company was offering me a "Free Personalized Certificate of Welcome for Your Child." *slaps forehead*

I've received these stupid offers before, but they never irked me until today. If only I had a fireplace in which to give it a proper send off...

POAS Pansy?

This is the start of a very busy week at work. Tomorrow will be the only day I come home on time. So, I had a lot on my mind this morning. Also, my temp dipped, not much, but enough. So, I haven't tested today and it isn't looking like I will tonight or tomorrow. But, stranger things have happened.

In my getting-to-know-me vein...

Some things I hope to do someday (aside from motherhood...):
=================================== <---lazy divider here)
Visit another country (besides Canada, I could drive there in a few hours)
Go whale watching
See a shuttle (or whatever they build next) launch
Visit DC (the /other/ Washington)
See a lava flow

Three Contradictions About Me

I was tagged by To A T for a meme I did already, but I like being tagged! So, I decided to make up my own meme instead of repeating it. :)

Three Contradictions About Me

1. I work in education, but am not a teacher. Instead I work in IT and Special Ed technologies. My official title is pretty worthless in describing what I do. I manage databases, data, compliance, and forms. I help people use technology. I problem solve with teachers and therapists in providing accommodations needed by students with disabilities. On a rare occasion, I will have the chance to work with a student in person.

2. I am a techno geek, but I can relate. I try to speak to people at their level, wherever that may be. I can help someone learn left-click vs right-click without losing my patience. I try to encourage people to take one step beyond what they know, instead of berating them for what they don't know.

3. I love love love animals but am horrendously allergic to just about all of them. Our only pet is a brine shrimp in an ecosphere. I love horses, but can't be around them unmedicated. I want a dog someday, but I'm afraid it will never happen. DH loves cats, and they are the worst. I have to check and see if someone has pets before I can go to their house. Even then, I sat next to someone with a cat-hairy sweater at a party where there were NO pets... and I had to leave early because of wheezing, sneezing, etc. TTC has made it worse because I can't take my favorite meds. :( I was at my brother's house the other night, and we had to hang outside or in his garage because he has a cat. I'm afraid people think it's all in my head. :(

Do you have any contradictions?

Welcome ICLWers

Welcome to everyone from ICLW, I feel hugged! :) I should actually take this opportunity to post something, yes?

TTC related: My temps this cycle are higher than my prior 2 cycles on record. So, that makes me feel dangerously giddy. But, I'm not one to temper my highs for fear of the lows. So, here goes! I also tend to test at the ridiculously early timeframe of 10 DPO. They are cheap, and it is still early enough in our efforts that I haven't felt too beaten down by negatives.

Werk related: Thank goodness werk (I spell it like it sounds) has been keeping me busy. Its a good day when I'm so preoccupied I don't even enter my temp into the chart until after I come home and unwind. I'm teaching 1 class next week, and co-teaching 5 others. This weekend will be busy, I have one Power Point to finish, and Power Point plus training materials for my Monday class. Eeep!

Whinge of the day: I called someone today to ask for information, but a stinging frog leapt into my throat. With no drinkables in arm's reach, I began coughing and hacking, trying desperately not to do it into the receiver. I croaked a pathetic, "Excuse me" and then asked my question. Like the secretary had nothing better to do than to hear the inner secrets of my vocal/respiratory sanctum...

Multimedia message

Test

Physical complaints of minor consequence

My stomach has felt "off" for the past several days and nothing sounds appetizing. I don't know why... Not IPS... I have not even ovulated yet. I hope I do soon though, we are trying to "try" a bit less frequently this cycle and the natives are getting restless.

On top of that stress, this was my first day back to work after my summer break. I went in bright and early, on ~3 hours of sleep. I have an angry red welt on the back of my left thigh, thanks to a yellow jacket sting 3 days ago. It itches like MAD! I tossed and turned all night, alternating ice pack, baking soda paste, and hydrocortisone. I had also taken a benadryl. None of the above helped for more than 30 seconds. I procured some benadryl cream today which seems to be working better.

I know there are a great many people that would happily trade their worries for these. So, I'm going to distract myself with a book and be very thankful that BD starts tomorrow!

Tagged: Sad Songs

Thanks much to Ophelia for the tag!

This one is songs that make us cry. Now, I don't typically get teary over songs, except for certain emo times when just about any song will make me cry. :) I'm more likely to have NPR news on than music most days. But, there are a couple of tunes that have a melancholy emotion attached:

Good Friend by Nine Days
The lyrics pretty much explain it all. Several years ago I had to part ways entirely with a good friend, and while it was the best and right thing to do, I'll never forget.

Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
I'm not a typical Linkin Park fan, I was really shocked to find out who made this song because I loved it (in a very sad way) when I first heard it. This song just speaks to me of inescapable mortality. It's a subject I know I haven't entirely dealt with. I hope I have a lifetime to figure it out.

Non TTC Post

Things I wish I was better at...

Knitting (never left potholder territory)
Saying No
Gardening (my thumb is greening, slowly)
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc
Delegating
Acknowledging and asking for that which I need
Being decisive (I second-guess myself constantly)
Dental hygiene (my flossing habits are hit and miss)
Cooking healthy meals (trying to move that meat into side-dish land)

Last but not least...

Relaxing (I'm always thinking of things I should be doing or improving)

CD4 Timelines, Control

Yesterday I was talking to my mom on the phone, she said my aunt asked if I was pregnant. My mom said I wasn't. Then my Aunt mentioned that I was missing my "window". What window is this? The window of my mother's birthday in April. I mentioned at my mom's 50th birthday party that I could make her a grandma for her next birthday. But, it looks like it will be a little late now.

That's fine, that was the *earliest* possible timing that worked for work. But, May is actually better.

I'm trying to relax, but it isn't easy. Part of me is going slightly nuts because I have so little control. One minute I feel edgy because DH wants to have food fried in trans fat (yes, he is specific about wanting the "bad oil") for dinner this week. The next minute, I'm all "Who cares!" and "Yes, I'd like another glass of wine." Then, I'm worried about my low BMI, and concerned that I had a light early dinner. I make plans to consume more full fat dairy. I wish my brain would just lay off.

Part of the problem is, I don't have much else to occupy my time at the moment. Reading, the internet, video/computer games, gardening, time with DH. I bet the situation will improve muchly when I go back to work. Speaking of which, I'm going to go back in early to finish my project. Monday I'll have somewhere to go each day, and I'll be much less intense about everything. At least, that's the plan.

12DPO 3BFN

It looks like there will be no beginner's luck for me. I did get a fortune cookie a week ago that said "Next month is your time to make headway, so move quickly." It must be a sign, not that I take much stock in signs. Though I do like horoscopes and fortune cookies in hindsight as thoughtpieces.
So today I'm feeling partly crampy and wholly unmotivated. AF hasn't shown in force yet, but there have been signs. This is not a good time to work on anything serious, so I put in my replacement power supply, cleaned up my computer desktop, and may just spend some quality time with CivIV. If that isn't fulfilling enough I'll pop in Sims Pets and goof off that way.

Yes, I'm having a pixelated pity party.

DH, the POAS Pusher

I exercised my patience muscles by not testing this morning. DH was encouraging me to test though. :p He's so cute, he makes it sound like he wants me to test because he knows /I/ want to, because maybe the test wasn't accurate, because the tests are cheap, because *insert excuse here*.

I'm wise to him though. He is excited, anticipatory, and impatient too. He's just being too guyish to admit it. When he came to bed after I used the bathroom this morning (yes, he goes to bed at an obscene hour sometimes) he sounded disappointed that I didn't test.

If I'm not careful the peer pressure will drive me to it.

Concentrate and try again

BFN this morning at 10 DPO. I think. There is a very faint second line, but it isn't where it should be. It's about 1/8 of an inch to the left of where I would expect it, under the label where the absorbent part ends and the test part begins. They are cheapie internet strips... I don't know if that means anything, but I'm sticking with the BFN hypothesis for now.

I'll test again Tuesday morning. 10 DPO is way early anyway, but I was thinking maybe I'd get lucky. :) Of course, AF is expected on Tuesday. I have heard of some people testing negative until 16 DPO... I'd really rather not be in the "AF is late but I'm still testing negative!" category, but I'll take it if it ends in a BFP.

Symptoms? I am feeling a little hot and dizzy. Though we did just work out the yard for a while, so who knows. DH was repairing a fencepost, I took the extra concrete and attempted to make a leaf-shaped birdbath. We'll see if it works...

I have had a corned beef in the crock pot all day, and the house smells of yum. I think I'm going to relax and play some Brain Age or Sudoku before dinner.

IPS, CD 23 7 DPO

I'm still procrastinating on my work project. I just haven't been very good at working from home. I've been a lazy bum! But, I have an ultimatum. If I don't get much of my project done before Sunday, I'm going in to work on Monday. Besides, a coworker left me a book to read. :)

On the TTC front, I've had few IPS to contend with. I had a significant temp drop yesterday (implantation or imagination?) today I have some subtle crampy/pulling feelings in the lower left area of my abdomen. But, I had all of the above last cycle too, so it probably doesn't mean much. The one thing that is markedly different: my nipples aren't sore! They bothered me only for two days whereas last cycle they were a source of agony from ovulation to AF.

Anyway, I've decided upon my first testing date: Sunday. A short three days! I hope I can make it with enough brain intact to perform the test.

Harry Potter is now in the past... I always hate it when a series comes to an end, though I prefer an end to crappy books inspired only by $$. So, I think it ended at the right time. Now, I'm changing gears and tackling some nonfiction. The Brain that Changes Itself. I'm finding it to be quite fascinating!

CD 20... 4 DPO

So, I'm feeling good about our chances. No real (or imaginary) symptoms -- it would be too early for them anyway. But, I have a general sense of positivity. It is a thin veil over a vast sea of impatience.

Give me a personal issue, or a computer problem. I will have a saint's patience. I will gently explain the difference between right-click and left-click to a new computer user. I will systematically narrow down all of the variables to isolate a computer issue. But, set a day in the future for when something (anything) will happen...? Let's just say I'm not very virtuous under those circumstances.

Ideally, I'd bury myself in my summer project for work to past the next ~8 days until I can reasonably test. (Though, you can bet on me cheating and testing earlier.) But, no, I'm all procrastination on that score. Today wasn't a good day for it, DH and I were just enjoying each other's company way too much. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Until then, I waste time. My favorite timewasters as of late include ... reading the last Harry Potter, spending time with my impatient sisters on the TTC Your First Child forum, looking up pregnancy charts on Fertility Friend, and reading blogs (most related to fertility or lack thereof in some way shape or form). Reading my livejournal friends list, where I post upon exciting topics like how I woke up too early this morning, and what I ate for lunch.

But, I suppose if all goes well, there will be nothing interesting to report for the next week at least.

2ww.... 50/50

When there is one of two possible outcomes in my life, I always interpret my odds as 50/50. Right now of course, either I'm going to be pregnant this cycle or I'm not. I also like to be equally prepared for either outcome. In this case, I'm not sure I'm prepared for either!

Odds are not in my favor for having success right off the bat, but having to go another cycle would be disappointing. Though I do have a plan for things we would do differently (like timing BD on a low sperm count assumption). It would still be a bummer.

Though pregnancy is the outcome I want, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that either! I'm sure it will immediately lead to fears of miscarriage and hopes for the fetus to stick. I'm sure I'll be on pins and needles until my first ultrasound.

So, I'll know which path I'm on in a couple of weeks. In the mean time, there is a flowerbed that has been totally overrun by weeds. Actually, just one type of weed... white cockle. Its going nuts all over the side of the house, crowding out the lily. I should take care of it before it becomes too hot to be outside.

Woot!

I've been able to relax a bit today, and all is well. Very well.

I'm on CD 16, and I have received my first OPK! :D We also had some fun in the bedroom and my hopes are high. We'll see if I still have a positive OPK tomorrow, and if my temperature shifts. I have not had any O pains yet, but I might not end up having them at all. I kinda hope the window is closing and I get my temp shift tomorrow, because that would mean I get to start my 2ww.

The sooner it starts, the sooner I can have it behind me! Then I'll know what path I'm on... either the pregnancy path or the next cycle in which I will likely be several orders of magnitude more obsessive. But, don't tell DH that, he thinks I've gone off the deep end as it is.

At some point I may have to answer the question... what to rename this blog after the notion has been officially conceived? :)

Stressful much?

Until recently I didn't totally understand how TTC could be stressful or put a strain on a relationship. Now, though I'm nowhere near those who have been in the trenches and would not minimize their experiences for anything, I'm starting to get the smallest inkling of a picture... after not even completing 1 cycle...

I'm sure most of it is my fault for being so tightly wound about this. Part of me wishes I could just let it happen. The other part of me has wanted this /forever/ and yesterday isn't soon enough. Another part of me has an ideal timeline, any deviation from which would be a catastrophe. The latter two parts seem to be overriding the first part.

CD15, my OPKs have all been very light or nonexistent. My CM is creamy at best. We shall see what today holds. Now I'm stressed that being stressed is going to delay ovulation.. Sigh.

Today I will try to just flow and rise above and see how that works.

Last night I had a dream I was breastfeeding my baby.

CD12 Hrmpf

My temperature shot up this morning, I don't know why. It could be because I slept in, didn't sleep very well, drank alcohol yesterday, or because I'm NOT ovulating and will NEVER ovulate! While it is most likely one of the former, of course I'm paranoid about the latter. Hopefully my temp will go back down where it should be tomorrow.

I did use an OPK earlier today and NADA... not even a whisper of a line. So, it will be a couple more days at least, by my slightly educated guess. At least DH now seems convinced that it would be a good idea to save his swimmers for when the pool is ready, so to speak.

Last cycle I O'd on CD16... I'm crossing my fingers!

CD11, OPK, Waiting Intensifies

So I used an OPK yesterday, just to see what a negative would look like, and to see if I have any faint lines by default. I do have an extremely faint line, which is good to know. We are probably going to conserve swimmers until I have some good EWCM or a positive leaning OPK.

My temps are in the range they were in last cycle when I ovulated, which is good. So, I wait! Ho hum. I'm really not patient with these kinds of things. My patience is reserved for helping people, and solving nasty computer issues. I have -no- patience with events in my life, and waiting for them to arrive.

Getting out of the house this weekend would probably help! I'm going to go searching for some friends. They must be female, preferably but not necessarily in my age range, with or without kids. They should laugh at my jokes, and have some wit of their own. A shared taste in something would be helpful, be it any of the following: music, movies, computers, games, technology, the environment, natural living, food... Is that too much to hope for?

Oh My Wordle!

Here is the Wordle for this blog, I think the point of this blog is pretty obvious!

OPK T Minus 3 days...

I have 10 precious OPK strips. With that in mind, I have a question for self:

Self, do you want to use the OPKs like water, morning noon and night, as if they will gain you a BFP on the first try and you will never need them again? OR, Self, do you want to use only HALF of the OPKs under the assumption that you will need the other half next month?

Writing these things out really helps me, I made my decision before I'd finished writing the first option. I will indeed use the OPKs at will. Why? Because, I'd feel really silly missing my ovulation window (and not getting pregnant as a result) because I felt an overwhelming need to conserve a few $1 ovulation strips. Also, if I use several and pinpoint my O time pretty well, even if I don't get pregnant I will know my cycle better and I will need to use fewer OPKs in the future.

Besides, its not like I couldn't buy more...

Nothing to see here...

I'm on summer break from work (yes I work in education, no - I'm not a teacher). This is my first official break day and suddenly I'm bored. I feel like a total slug, even though I haven't been.

I woke up, read some stuff on the internets, and went grocery shopping. Then, DH and I played Mario Kart Wii (we love playing online). Next I made lunch for DH and I (ham sandwiches - what am I going to do without deli meats?) and watched some crappy TV. This is when I became restless... DH did some dishes while I vacuumed and swept the ground floor. I swiffered the kitchen too, though what it really needs is a thorough mopping. Now I'm back on the internets.

The house is all closed up because it is presently 88 degrees out and we have NO AC. Maybe I'm just blah at being cooped up. For dinner we may do hot dogs, just because they don't cook long and thus the house heating will be minimal. Later, I hope to go see Wall-E just to beat the heat.

AF is finally gone! Now I get to start checking/waiting/hoping for signs of future ovulation. My first OPK will be around Sunday... four days of waiting until *something*...

CD4

I'm in the waiting boat once again. I should ovulate about 12 days from now, give or take. To narrow the window, I ordered some cheap ovulation prediction strips. To increase our odds, I ordered some PreSeed to go along with it. Now, I just need to count days.

I've been reading about how allergy meds tend to dry up the CM. So, instead of taking a pill today I wore a bandana around my mouth and nose while I did some yardwork that would normally send me into catastrophic sneezing fits. So far, so good!

DH is pouring me a glass of wine, and I will continue to count days. I hope they pass by swiftly.

Well, nevermind...

My pee sticks arrived in the mail yesterday. I spent several hours agonizing over whether I should wait until the next morning to catch the higher hormone concentrations. DH, always playing devil's advocate, urged me to go for it. I'm a sucker and I did.

So I skipped into the bathroom to experience, for the very first time, the joys of uniting urine with stick... Alas, I quickly realized it was moot. While I haven't started my period in full, the cramping and spotting is unmistakable. Thus, I proceeded to down a couple of glasses of wine and an ibuprofen.

I'm of several minds about this. We weren't "scheduled" to get pregnant until next cycle anyway. So, by what rights do I have to be disappointed? I suppose I'm more anxious than disappointed. If I was pregnant already, that (maybe) irrational question: Can I get pregnant? ...would be out of my head for good. Now, it still lingers.

I think DH is more disappointed than I am. He said last night that he's been ready for months. What a sweety!

Positive things about not being pregnant yet:
1. Better timetable (allowing maternity leave to get closer to my summer break)
2. We will get to enjoy some honest to goodness babymaking, take that fundies! ;)
3. Alcohol, deli meats, allergy pills, and occasional caffeine
4. Truthfully being able to tell people I'm not pregnant yet, instead of feeling like I just might be a liar.

CD 28 12 DPO

Le Sigh, my pee sticks did not arrive in the mail today. Is it wrong that I get a sense of glee from writing/saying pee sticks???

I was hoping to test tomorrow, when I will be the "lucky" 13 DPO. Its all I can do to avoid using my expired drugstore test... At the store today I almost bought a fresh one, but I managed to beat instant gratification off with a stick (not a pee stick, sadly). So hopefully they will arrive in the mail tomorrow and I'll get to test on Wednesday morning.

A friend recently gave birth at home. I'm so glad everything went well for her and her baby. I'm not going to choose that route for myself, but I think low risk women should have the option. That said, the occasional extremely rare case will encounter a situation requiring NICU/Hospital grade services and equipment in a time frame of moments rather than minutes.

Maybe its my time spent in Special Ed and near the medical industry that leads me toward a more medical model. Maybe I just think that with my luck, I'd be the one struck by lightning and suddenly need high-tech lifesaving intervention. At any rate, I'm not going to put much emphasis on my birth experience if I'm lucky enough to have one.

Its too hot!

CD 27 11 DPO

DH wouldn't let me have a sip of his beer last night. :( He's a good hubby, he said he'd stop drinking them in front of me and said I shouldn't buy any more.

Its been an oven around here lately. All I feel like doing is sitting around and waiting... Will I get this worked up every cycle? There's a more than even chance I'm not pregnant by my way of thinking. We weren't even trying after all. If I get this wound up over waiting on a slim chance, how am I going to be when we've made all of the appropriate efforts???

That said, maybe I'll never know the answer to that because... I COULD be... right now... The cells could be dividing, the placenta could be forming the (hCG). Or, I could be avoiding a nice frosty brew for no good reason whatsoever.

Come on Mr. Postman, bring me some sticks!

Did I mention its hot? Like, flirting with triple digits here. We don't have air conditioning either in house or car. If this keeps up I may just sleep until tomorrow. There were no sticks in the mail this morning, so today is mostly over with IMO.

IPS IPS IPS

They always tell young girls that the pull-out method is *not* a wise, effective, or reliable means of birth control. Well, I may just be living proof. I have a suspicious temperature dip accompanied by cramps and spotting followed by a major temp hike. Could it be???

I bought 5 early tests just to be sure. I just know I'm getting my hopes up like crazy on a subconscious level... But, consciously, the following two outcomes seem equally likely:

1. Aunt flow and alcohol binge! :D
2. BFP :D

I think I can make my peace with either one. I have been making peace with each of them alternately ALL DAY LONG. Just when I think I've settled on one, my beloved personal devil's advocate (also known as DH) tells me exactly WHY I cannot possibly be pregnant... or not...

I can't get my mind off of it, and going to a family reunion which will be full of pointed questions won't help matters. If asked when we're having kids, I'll say we're working on it. If asked if I'm pregnant, I'll say we're working on it. I really wish I could drink at the family reunion...

Alas, CD 23 7 DPO. WAY to early for my cheap expired pregnancy test purchased when I was late years and years ago. I'll POAS when my early test sticks arrive next week. Until then, the pendulum shall swing!

CD 21 5 DPO

CD 21, 5 DPO... I told DH this the other day and he cracked up laughing. We both knew why instantly. You see, I have turned into a StarWars android!!!

However, even that serial number is sketchy. I had a big temp drop yesterday (though DH says it was colder that night). FF temporarily took away my ovulation day. But, my temp is back up today and my crosshairs are back in business. It still thinks I O'd on CD16. I can only guess what tomorrow's temperature will be! Its like uncovering a scratch ticket, only I just lay there and wait for the beeps.

Today I found out I may get to travel for work in October. If all goes well, that would be 2nd trimester, perfect timing. It is a superb professional development opportunity, both a conference and an exam I can take for certification. It has been about three years since I traveled. In my lifetime I've been on 3 plane trips for work, and 2 for pleasure. It is always kinda surreal, but I enjoy the change of scenery. Maybe I enjoy coming home most of all though.

Another nonsensical reason why I'd like to be PG soon... a baby outlet 2nd hand store opened down the street. I want to be able to shop there before it goes out of business. :)

I'm going to make a serious effort to post more often. I'm enjoying it more and more as we actually begin the process of TTC. This is opposed to me reading about it constantly, learning everything about infertility (because, I like to be prepared) and seeking out libraries of birth stories to entertain me.

The Big Three-Oh

Today I turn 30... Even now my fingers hit the number 2 first and I had to correct myself. It seems strange to me, becoming an age I once considered "old". But, there is no denial, no teeth gnashing. Its just a number that I will probably have to remind myself of several times in the coming months before it sticks.

That said, it is of course a decade of significance for trying to conceive. I always told DH I wanted to be a mom before 30. Well, I'm not a mom yet, but I'm in the process of trying (charting, to get a handle on my next cycle). So, I'm happy with that. Life circumstances nudged things back a year, I wanted to finish my AA, I wanted to be secure in my job. I really hope I'm actually a parent before 31 though. Its all up to the biology now.

Speaking of.. Fertility Friend thinks I ovulated on CD16, and I think it was earlier. My CM isn't neatly matching up with my temperature rise. So, I'm not sure what to think about that. I hope I have a good luteal phase though. So, I am officially CD 19, 3 DPO and waiting for AF, but hoping she doesn't show too soon.

We now have both boy and girl names picked out, but no, I'm not sharing! DH picked out the boy name, and I really love his choice. It is our perfect comination of unusual, significant, but easy to spell and easy to pronounce. The fact that the names are unusual leads me to want to keep them sekrit. Some people may not approve. But, once the baby is born and named there's nothing anyone can do about it. :)

I've been celebrating my BD a bit all weekend. Yesterday we went to my parents' for BBQ. Mom gave me just what I asked for, a B&N certificate. What I spend it on depends on how tough of a time we have TTC. :) We are supposed to go out to breakfast this morning, and my brother is going to visit later today. I had best drag DH out of bed so we can get ready for eating! At breakfast, I'm going to be a good girl and skip the coffee. I think I'll go for OJ instead.

Poor Me, CD17 hello O???

This is my poor me post. I know there are millions worse off than I am, and that is why we have Blogger, so we can each go post our own poor me posts. This one is mine.

I have been lightheaded ever since ~2pm. I came home early, read some net, and pretty much laid down and read a book. I don't know what's up with me. Its like I'm drugged, except I know I'm not. I feel heavy and tired and occasionally nauseous. I don't think my blood sugar has been low... but its probably getting down there now. I need to eat dinner. But, that nauseous thing is getting in the way. If it wasn't for feeling nauseous I'd just think I was sleep deprived.

Part of me is wondering if I don't have IPS (I learned a new acronym from the TTC blogs... imaginary pregnancy symptoms). While we have BD most nights, we also haven't, because we've been PnP. So, I'd be shocked. Also, I've been charting for over two weeks now, and while I've had a temp drop and some CM to report (not much) I'm still clueless. No upward temp shift yet... so I doubt I've ovulated... but the temp drop seems to be over.

Over the past few weeks I've felt SOOOO impatient. I'm probably getting snippy with DH. I just want the days to PASS. I look forward to a few things each day: temping in the morning, charting after work, taking my prenatal vitamin at night. Everything else is just going through the motions.

Right now though, I'm not even really impatient. I'm just tired and out of it and blah... I guess I'll go find something edible for dinner (if such a thing exists) and call it a night.

Wishy Washy

Warning: two glasses of wine were consumed prior to writing this post. Because, like, red wine drinkers get pregnant faster than people who drink other types of alcohol or nothing at all. Did you know that? Also, this post was written without my glasses. So my editing is sporadic at best.

So, DH wants to start trying like, nowish. Like, whenever I ovulate is great. Wow. I had it all in my head that we'd wait until after the standard OB/GYN recommmended one cycle after going off the pill. But, in some ways, I'm just as impatient as DH to get a move on. On the other hand, in terms of work April would be a much better month to give birth than march. On the other other hand, who is to say that we won't have a heap of trouble getting pregnant so we should start ASAP???

See, I'm all confused now so I'm just going to go with the flow. This means throwing my internal planner out the window and letting the BFPs fall where they may (or not). There always is the or not to consider.....

CD5

Tonight I will be officially off the pill! As soon as I quit spotting, it will be time to check CM ~3 times daily. I really hope I get some information. Temping is only good in retrospect, it will be CM that tells me when the right time is!

I'm on a forum where another woman had come off Seasonale and her cycles went right back to normal. So, I really hope that will be me too! If our first two cycles of trying do not bear fruit, then I'm going to go into intervention mode. Intervention mode includes some of the following:

Me
Acupuncture
Vitrex/Chasteberry
Read The Infertility Cure
Buy an OPK

DH
Boxers
Home semen analysis

I looked at kits once that came with their own microscope and lessons on how to interpret sperm count and motility. I think we'd love to do it this way for several reasons... I've heard sperm quantity/quality can vary widely based on many factors so this would prevent repeat visits to a clinic. Second, DH would not enjoy the clinical environment (who does?). Third, our insurance wouldn't cover it anyway. Fourth, it would be really cool to have a powerful microscope at home. :)

That said, I hope we don't need to do any of those things! It still seems like a 50/50 chance to me. Either we conceive by Fall or not. Only time will tell. Today I'm going to go out and do major yard work to distract myself from the waiting game.

CD3

Hosting AF and dragging my bum all week. But, this time of the month is different from all those that have come before it. I'm taking my temp on waking every morning. :) I'm armed with TCOYF, a BBT, a notepad near the bed, and a free FF account to chart in. I write down my temp each morning and look forward to entering it in FF on returning home from work. So far, it has been very easy to remember to take my temperature. But, I never have had a difficult time making a new habit if it leads me to my goals.

It still doesn't feel like I've quit the pill. Mostly, I would be taking placebos for a week anyway before starting a new cycle. When AF is gone, then I will start to feel more like it. Charting CM will be a new experience to say the least... Will I ovulate? What is my cycle like, au naturale, after so many years of hormonal intervention? This is the biggest piece of drama going on in my life right now. Either my day-to-day existence is utterly boring, or I am thoroughly obsessed.

Speaking of which, I've decided to break my no alcohol before TTC restriction. I read an article suggesting that women who drink wine get pregnant faster. I was, of course, skeptical. So, I looked up the abstract from the study to check the details. It seems totally legitimate. While only fools assume causality, the mere fact that the alcohol drinkers didn't have a *more* difficult time getting pregnant suggests to me that I can get away with imbibing while we wait with no ill effects.

Mmmm, merlot. I hope you enjoyed your Friday too. ;)

Endocrine Symphony

I have taken my last birth control pill. I'm excited and nervous for the future. I have it all planned out, I know the notes I will play, I have rehearsed it all in my head a thousand times. But, it is my body that will be conducting this orchestra, and I have no choice but to follow its lead.

I'm especially nervous that being on an extended cycle pill (Seasonale, now the generic version) for the past ~4ish years will mean it takes longer for my body's own hormones to figure themselves out. I can expect my usual pseudo-period breakthrough bleeding to begin Tuesday/Wednesday. But after that, my expectations are meaningless.

The big milestone and my first sigh of relief will come when the real AF shows herself for the first time in ~10 years. We will not be *trying* in the physical sense until my next cycle, my first real contraceptive-free cycle. But WHEN will that be? If I think WAAAY back in time, in high school, I think I was pretty regular. But, then again, I didn't really pay much attention.

I am on the edge of my seat, and as each day passes this month I'm going to be even more hopeful/excited/anxious/etc. I know most women probably don't get this worked up or analytical about TTC the first time. Most follow the classic two step method, pull the goalie and let the pucks fly! Only after several months of no results do they get concerned and start searching for info. I, on the other hand, read TCOYF about a year ago... when I learned our financial situation was such that we could start trying next year.

I've been awash in information ever since. I'm not sure if its been a blessing or a curse... but this is me.

Inching Closer

I have graduated to *real* prenatal vitamins. See, they have the word PRENATAL on the label. I feel so grown up! No more standard multivitamins for me. They aren't giving me any trouble so far, which is good. I have heard nasty rumors... I have also received my basal body thermometer, it is hard to believe I can actually begin charting next week! I hope there are no AF delays... that will be the first real indicator of my fertility (or lack thereof).

I've read so many blogs, and heard so many cautions about infertility... It is hard not to feel just a little paranoid. This is the main reason why I haven't bought any real pregnancy or baby stuff. The only things I have purchased are books and items with conceptional utility. Hehe, I sound like a science book. Maybe I shouldn't treat it like a science, but that's me.

I was thinking today about my hobbies or interests, and whether our child will adopt any of them. Perhaps not, our little bundle of joy may one day reject all things associated with the parental units. Otherwise, there are two joys I hope to share... reading and gardening.

I am exhausted but happy because the tomatoes are in, better a shade late than never (zone 5). I also need to plant my corn, which is going to town in paper pots as I type. Past corn attempts have not been great, but I am hopeful. I also have pumpkins to get in the ground, and a very large compost pile to start. But, alas, tis the end of the long weekend. It seems half of my gardening plans always get shunted to the next weekend.

Memorial Day: I take a moment now to thank those who have given their lives for others whether in military service or more basic acts of everyday heroism that we seldom hear about.

The Stuff of Babies

I attended a baby shower over the weekend. It was the first time I had a real valid excuse to wander into the lion's den of parental consumerism. Ahh, all of the little outfits, accessories, strollers, carseats, etc... Yes, there was some yearning involved, but it was more symbolic than specific.

I want to be a mother first, not a consumer, not a market group. I hope we can make good use of items found secondhand. When we do get new items, I will prioritize for those that have multiple uses that span many years. In terms of toys, I don't foresee buying much. There are hundreds of things in my house right now that could be great fun. Besides, I'm sure my parents will provide plenty.

We may do basic disposable diapers, I have to leave that one up to DH as he will be changing the vast majority of them when I return to work. I wouldn't mind giving Elimination Communication a shot though. When it works, it seems even better than cloth diapering.

In addition to the thermometer, I bought the Mayo Clinic's Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. I snagged a used copy from Amazon. Soon I'll be thinking about replacing my cosmetics and skin/hair care items with natural alternatives. The EWG's Skin Deep site will be my guide.

Alas, the bellydance class was canceled. But, the Wii Fit should arrive next week!

The other kind of two week wait...

I have two weeks left of birth control pills. Actually, I have more than that, but according to my maths the best time to quit taking them is in two weeks. I have ordered my basal body thermometer and I plan on charting for one cycle before officially TTC. DH may throw a stitch into my plans. He has never been fond of barrier methods, or abstaining, or pretty much anything aside from the pill. So, we might do the old P&P.

After my first hormone-free cycle in ~10 years we'll start trying in earnest. Note to self: remember to buy some pre-seed. Getting pregnant in August would be even better than July, but I thought it would be good to have a buffer month just in case something is less than ideal. I know, I'm over-planning. A child will cure me of it someday, I'm sure. But, I'm hoping that I can hang on to my favorite personality flaw at least until he/she is born. :)

In slightly less fertility-related news, I'm thinking about taking a belly dancing class. Its only $31, and it will give me a chance to stay in shape and appreciate my belly as-is. Perhaps after that I'll take yoga, maybe prenatal yoga. I'm wondering when yoga starts needing to be prenatal... Ideally, I'd be somewhat comfortable with traditional yoga before going all prenatal, though I know some prenatal yoga classes are for total n00bs, I think I would feel more comfortable that way. Perhaps I'll just pick up a video, or that "Let's do yoga" game for the DS. Scratch that, I already have the Wii Fit on pre-order, and I know it comes with a yoga "game", so I'll see what that can do for me first. If I still want lots of yoga stuff, I'll ask for it for my birthday.

30 on June 22nd... but that's a topic for another post!

So near and yet so far...

I have three weeks of BCP to take, and then I'm done. Then comes a month of charting, temping, tracking AF, and maybe even CM. DH seems to be intent on the pull and pray method during this time, because I'd rather get pregnant in July than June.

Would it be the end of the world? NO, absolutely not! The timing is better in July though, because then I can be gone from Spring Break through the rest of the school year, and maybe go back to work part time after my maternity leave is over.

In the mean time, I'm driving myself crazy. I'm trying to eat like a heart attack patient. I'm trying to exercise. I'm trying to cut back on booze (with some success). I haven't come close to cutting back on caffeine, I had the most yummy cup of coffee this morning. Though I can say I've taken the first step. I bought a variety sampler pack of teeccino.

DH thinks I've gone off the deep end, maybe I have.

Can has friendz?

I'm going to the compost fair tomorrow - alone. I have no friends. Well, I have friends, but those who share my interests have no time and those have have time do not share my interests. Admittedly, it takes a special kind of gal to get excited about decaying matter and worm castings.

The fact that I don't seem to have much of a village has started to bug me lately. DH could not care less. If a highly selective pathogen wiped every soul off of the planet aside from himself and I, I'm not sure he'd care. He might miss the people at the fast food windows though...

I, on the other hand, am a strange kind of closet extrovert. I love to be social, but usually someone has to invite me out. It takes a lot for me to gear up the will to ask someone to do something with me, and lately, when I've done so, it just hasn't panned out. Bummer.

I thought about joining the local UU church, or getting more involved in politics, or... *shrug* Surely there's a social network out there somewhere IRL with my name on it. But, I have yet to find it. I'm willing to give of myself, and be supportive to others, and not even ask much but the opportunity for companionship. Surely some group out there wants me?

So, what does that have to do with the subject matter at the top of this blog? I'm thinking mommyhood might just be the ticket. From the outside, it seems to me that women with similar aged kids have an instant interest in common, an automagical camaraderie. Maybe that's why I've spent so much time surfing infertility blogs. Though I can't know what it is like to be them in any way, I feel a kinship with their desire to be a mother. Maybe, just maybe, motherhood will be my ticket to membership. Prenatal yoga? Parenting classes? Due date clubs? Is that where my social circle will be found?

When?

Well, I spilled the beans today. I let my mother and some extended family members know *exactly* when we would start trying to build our family.

It was at my Mom's 50th birthday party. It was quite an affair, my dad planned it quite nicely. Anyway, I don't know exactly why my womb became such a topic for discussion. Is it just because everyone knows Mom would love to be a grandma? Is it because we've been married for nearly nine years? I don't know, but I eventually said in a straightforward fashion that we'd be pulling the goalie this summer.

I mind far less than I thought I would. I actually think I'll be (if all goes as planned) one of those pregnant women who loves the attention. My only concern is the pressure and having to explain to people if/when/how it doesn't happen as planned. If all goes well, then its not a concern at all!

So, here's to hoping that all things proceed as hoped and (now) announced.

The Fever

I've been on the fringes of baby fever for nearly a year. This was when I learned that we had the resources to start our family a little sooner than we had expected. But, I told myself I wasn't going overboard. I'm not shopping for baby things. I didn't look at every baby on the street. I'm not always thinking about it. It isn't slipping into conversation with coworkers.

Well, I've hit the tipping point. I had a dream last night I was in an establishment that I'd heard advertised on Rick Steve's Europe. It looked extremely slummy, there were gang bangers outside, everything seemed dirty. But, they were supposed to be good. They did an ultrasound(?) that happened to be full color 3D. The gruesome blood and guts I was able to see didn't seem to matter because the fetus was there. It looked like a fully formed baby, just of smaller stature. It had tons of space to move around, and it spread its legs to give the onlookers a full view. There were many people in the room, old once-friends, my parents, and of course DH. We all knew at once that she was a girl.

I remember someone in the room was upset, and I was vaguely aware of an imagined disagreement between DH and I over the name. But, none of that mattered, I was tearfully joyful.

In addition to this dream... most everything I wasn't doing, that wasn't happening, in the first paragraph of this post... is now commonplace. I am a sappy supplicant to this fever!

levonorgestrel ticker tape

I'm on my last set of pills (91 day regimen), yay! Now I have a nifty little counter to tell me how many days remain until I'm free of anti-fertility hormones.

I just finished reading Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food. It rocks hard. The first half was a little dry, because it explains how and why our existing Western food supply has become so crappy. The second part contained rules for healthy eating which include: Eat food, not too much, mostly plants. I hope to stop buying the majority of our food from the local Safeway at some point. May is my detox month, so between now and then I'll either subscribe to a CSA type thingie, become a regular at the Farmer's Market, or visit our local Whole Foods lookalike. Perhaps all of the above.

I could be doing better with the physical fitness regimen. I adored working my tooshie off in the yard Thursday and Friday, but then the weather turned crappy and some virus or bacterium decided to have a family reunion in my throat. I've been a little lightheaded and dizzy too. Let's just say my typing accuracy is not all that at the moment. It's been nearly an entire year since I had an illness worth writing about. Meh.

I'll close with these thoughts on parenting, as I hope to apply them to my own life. I'm not about to advise others.

1. Natural consequences trump corporal punishment. Discipline exists partly to teach kids how the real world works. In the real world, if you are speeding you get fined. If it keeps up you lose the privilege of driving. The cop doesn't pull you out of your car and spank you.

2. Sex positive. My child, male or female, WILL have sex one day when he/she comes of age and can make that choice. I can accept this, unlike my own mother (fodder for a whole entire post).

3. We write our own narratives. The Secret is BS. Its the same thing I've known about life for some time. You get from the world what you put into it. It's no big secret.

4. Knowledge is power, guided and limitless access to knowledge is the best policy. We're not going to filter our child's internet access, though we will have rules about how and when our child communicates with strangers (not a subject that is unique to the internet). You don't teach your child that streets are dangerous things never to be crossed. You teach them to look both ways, because you won't always be there to hold their hand. The Internet should be the same way.

The end, for now.

Fitness Forward

I'm done with school! Yayness! I haven't taken enough opportunity lately to pat myself on the back for achieving my two year degree. Alas, the spare time I have recently gained is already allotted to gardening.

One of my last classes was cross training. While I didn't follow my workout schedules perfectly, I know that I am more fit than I've been in a long time. However, I also know that fitness is a journey, not a destination. So, how do I maintain fitness now that there are no workout schedules to turn in???

There are several options available to me, each with their own pros and cons. In no particular order....

Take a class. I'm looking at two classes in our parks and recreation flier. One is a Yoga Pilates blend, which appeals to me. The other is a belly dance class, which sounds like hella fun. Downsides? They require a fee, and they require being at a certain place at a certain time. If I want to skip it because I don't feel like it that day... its my dollar. Also, none of the classes take place right after work. They are all later in the evening, when I'm likely to feel lazy. Either would cut into my dinner/hubby time.

Walk my parents dog. I like this option because it will allow me to be physically active right after work (their house is near my work), I will enjoy walking around the old neighborhood, and I like the feeling of security of walking with a large dog. Walking will help me get in shape for walking the 12k in May. I also think the poor shepherd doesn't get out enough and could use some training. OTOH, I may have to resort to allergy medication, I may not feel like walking him when the weather sucks, and it could take some effort to get him to behave.

Wii Sports, Wii Fit, Wii DDR. I'm sure this option will be included in the mix. My video games are perfect for when the weather sucks. I can't wait until the Wii Fit comes out. I think I'm going to be doing this instead of any kind of video aerobics. I have enough room to play the Wii games in front of the TV, but I don't quite have enough room for mat based workouts.

Gardening. This one is probably the ticket. There are literally a million ways for me to exert myself in our modest-sized yard. As soon as the ground thaws I have fall deadness to rake up, a compost pile to form, a lawn to aerate, weeds to pull, and TONS of grass to remove from various flower and garden beds.

I guess that nails it. When the weather is nice I will garden, when its crappy I will play active video games. To keep my training up for the marathon I may attend some of the training clinics on Saturday mornings.

Still Counting Days

In two weeks I will refill my extended cycle BCP prescription for the last time. In 17 days I will be done with school. In 18 days it will be the first day of spring. In a month and a couple of days it will be DH's birthday. Next is mom's birthday, then begins the reign of the health Nazi, then quitting birth control, then my birthday, then green light. For some strange reason I'm under the delusion that if I chop it up into bite-sized intervals it will go by faster.

I do have something new to say. DH agreed that we would use alternate means of birth control in June to give me a chance at a normal cycle for charting my temps. We are not fans of barriers, but I'm glad we'll be able to make due for a month. There's one tiny piece of the puzzle in place, that I can control. So, Independence Day will have a double meaning this year. :)

Of course the question remains, have we wasted the past 12 years of birth control?

Five Months

Twenty weeks. One hundred and forty days. I may end up getting pregnant as early as that. On the other hand, it could be many more months, years, or never. I have no way of knowing from here. No way of planning, no preparations, no checklist. Either we will conceive a child this summer or we won't. Without any shred of biological evidence one way or the other, I can only put our odds at 50/50. Though statistics seem to suggest its more like 80/20...

I should be enjoying what's left of my childless life. But, it still feels like a big assumption. If it all happens according to my fragile plans, I will be awestruck. In some ways, I feel like I've waited for it all my life. Surely, it can't be just that easy.

The unknowing of it all is the heaviest part for me. It seems silly, when many others would happily trade their own certain trials for my 50/50. But, I have always known that I am infinitely adaptable. I can take whatever is thrown, I just want to know what it is.

In the mean time, there are some things I know will probably be difficult for me should all go as planned:

- I already have a small and active bladder. How will I cope with a fetus using it for a trampoline?
- I already have lower back pain of an occasionally severe variety, how will I survive?
- Will I become an impossible mate with pregnancy hormones and without my usual friends, caffeine and alcohol?

I know some things I can do now. I can be physically active, and achieve my ultimate goal of walk/jogging our annual 12k run. I can eat whole and healthy foods, and limit my intake of toxins and pollutants. I can educate myself (with Google's help of course). I can be a dedicated employee. I can be a kind and loving spouse.

And maybe, this time next year, I can have so much to do it will make my head spin. :)

How far would I go?

I am not one for prayer, but I am holding ME in good and active thought right now as she struggles off an infection in a faraway hospital. She has suffered so much already, more IVF treatments than I care to know about, miscarriages, and now triplets born too early and with us too short. I only recently started reading her blog, Not According to Plan, but my heart goes out to her and her husband.

It is very ignorant for me to say what I would and wouldn't do if it turns out we can't conceive the old fashioned way. There would be emotions underlying my thoughts that I am not considering right now. But, from here in my cerebral sanctuary, I like to believe I would draw the line before IVF. This is a very personal choice for everyone, and I do not believe my answer should be anyone else's answer. Here are my current reasons why I'd shy away from IVF:

Injecting myself, repeatedly, doesn't sound like fun
I wouldn't want to saddle my progeny with infertility by genetic inheritance
What is really so awesome about *my* genes?
I want to raise a child much more than I want to give birth to one
The expense
There are millions of children without families

I think we could afford either international adoption, or IVF, but not both. So, after trying the basic remedies for conception I think I'd be more likely to adopt than try IVF. Hopefully, this thought process can remain in the land of conjecture for all eternity.

Snow Day

The big drifts of snow bring out clucky thoughts of playing around in it with berry. Alas, I have four more months of strict oral contraceptive use. Even then, I'm hoping we don't actually get pregnant until July at earliest. September would be the latest. So, that's a 3 month (cycle?) window. Is that unrealistic? Well, it might be seeing as how I have no clue about my natural cycle length. 5 years of Seasonale may have thrown me out of whack, though no studies seem to suggest this. Its just hard to know.

So I have 12 more Fridays during which I can consume alcohol. I think I've reached my limit of enjoying it though. I guess I just wasn't cut out to be a binge drinker or alcoholic. I am warming to the notion of regular exercise, but it hasn't become my new religion or anything. I'm also on a new quest to consume a fruit or vegetable before every meal.

I found the perfect calendar for work. I was bored of fairies/fantasy and not quite ready for a baby themed calendar. So, I bought the Seed Savers calendar. Seeds and planting and growing are the perfect themes for me to surround myself with at this time.

My caffeine addiction

Even before the day's headlines regarding caffeine and miscarriage, I intended to drop it. My last caffeine will be at the end of April. Thereafter, I'm going with teeccino. I haven't even tried it yet but I'm sure I'll find a flavor or two that agrees with me. So long as I can have a hot beverage in the mornings, I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

I once drank 1-2 cups of coffee a day at the height of my attachment. It was free, and my job at the time was totally mind-numbing. However, I found a daily coffee habit made sleeping in on Saturdays a painful experience. My brain knew it was missing a certain something long before I intended to wake up. So, I switched to tea during the week and I'm much better off. Coffee is a weekend treat.

That said, my total intake amounts to 1 black tea, 1 or 2 green teas, and 1 can of diet soda each day. While I won't have as difficult a time cutting back as someone with a major habit, I can imagine that there will still be some unpleasantness involved. Maybe I'll make the soda virgin to start out and see how that goes.